the real fa cup

The Jokers

We at the Pigeon Stands are often called jokers…and deluded…and arrogant pricks. Lucky, it’s the former that means we’re invading your laptops today as part of the Fake FA Cup.

In the myriad of games decided by the Real FA Cup’s soon-to-be-patented card game, a handful of teams were allocated a Joker and therefore, in need of a score to settle the tie.

Childish card-based fun is right up our Pigeon street. So like Graham Kelly in a desperate call to Burt Millichip, our pals at the Real FA Cup offered us the opportunity to play God. Now, if you’ve ever encountered us (heaven forbid worked with/for us), you’ll know that that’s the kind of offer we could never refuse.

So here we are; the Beppe Signori of the FA Cup…allegedly. All we had to do was come up with a series of elaborate ruses to determine the eight Joker matches in the preliminary round of the Fake FA Cup.

In this week of Olympic buggery, we thought that something based around the Games would be a fine way to pull some results out of the hat. Avoiding some turgid game based around the Opening Ceremony (although, Number of Desmond’s References would surprisingly have resulted in a score of 1), we dived straight into men’s cycling road race for Match One:

Game 1 – Ely City 5-? Newport Pagnell Town

Normally the concept of watching a bunch of guys riding around the Surrey countryside on mechanised pipe-cleaners dressed like multi-coloured condoms would be a rubbish way to spend a Saturday morning but when it’s the Olympics merging awkwardly with the FA Cup, you can’t hold us back. So the winner of Match One would be determined based on last digit of winner’s bib in the men’s road race.

The winner: Bib 87, Alexandre Vinokourov (KAZ).

Fake FA Cup value: 7

Result: ElyCity 5-7 Newport Pagnell Town

Game 2 – Burscough ?-0 AFC Dunstable

When we are not traipsing around the other grounds of south London, our Saturday afternoons are normally spent pitch side at Ryman South Div 1’s pink and blue finest, Dulwich Hamlet. We decided to leave the winner of the Burscough v Dunstable game to the Dulwich front man, and all round bad ass, Kevin James. A pre season friendly against Bromley…. a free kick…. Kevin gets the kick on target, the score is 1…… Kevin is off target….. the score is 0.

Over to Kevin…

Free-kick: On target.

Fake FA Cup value: 1

Result: Burscough 1-0 AFC Dunstable

Game 3 – St Albans City 2-? Sandhurst Town

For Sandhurst we decided to have a forces related draw and also get a bit political (as we are prone to from time to time). Therefore the winner of this tie would be determined on the number of army personnel drafted in and photographed to watch the Gymnastics over the weekend instead of those ungrateful, unpatriotic, greedy, corporate c#*ksuckers who should have been there.

Here’s the result (

Number: 5 soldiers

Fake FA Cup Value: 5

Result: St Albans City 2-5 Sandhurst Town

Game 4 – Morecambe ?-0 Felixstowe & Walton United

Now, what could be better for this one than something aquatic?? Perhaps a new Olympic sport? Or…a race against time between 4 childrens’ toys stuck to the side of a bathtub. OK, we’re floundering a bit here but because displays of self-indulgency are so popular for us Pigeon Standers, we went with it anyway. In the video the toy with the number 4 on it was counted as a 0. Here is the result:

First to Fall: 2

Fake FA Cup Value: 2

Result: Morecambe 2-0 Felixstowe & Walton United

Game 5 – Banbury United ?-1 AFC Portchester

As well as a love of association football, 50% of the Pigeon Stands are keen followers of its American cousin and the other sports favoured by pals across the sea. Not least, Basketball. The prospect of seeing the finest NBA stars competing under the banner of amateur sport is one of the most confusing (yet brilliant) things about the Olympics.

As nothing says American razzmatazz like Banbury vs Portchester it seems fitting that this is the game be settled on the court. Two of the two biggest names in Basketball, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James lined up for the USA team in their first match againstFrance. Who would score the most points and what would the point deferential be between the two main men?

Scores: Lebron 9 -Kobe 10

Fake FA Cup value: 1

Result: Banbury United 1-1 AFC Portchester

Game 6 – Bacup Borough 0-?Torquay United

Keeping the Basketball theme going, what could be better than taking a trip to Brockley’s concrete schoolyard? We tried valiantly to engage Torquay’s poster-girl, Sybil from FawltyTowers, but apparently her days on the courts long gone. Instead, we made do with a Pigeon Stander shooting some hoops to the tune of a distant ice-cream van. Best of 5 shots determines the score.

Scores: 1 basket

Fake FA Cup value: 1

Result: Bacup Borough 0-1 Torquay United

Game 7 – Ascot United 2-? Braintree Town

It’s an Ascot fixture, it has to be horse-based fun. We thought long and hard about how best to incorporate the dancing horses of the Dressage into proceedings, by God we tried, but in the end we were thwarted. Instead,Braintree’s score would be determined by the total number of faults by the highest placed Brit in the Three Day Eventing, Show Jumping discipline.

Number of Faults: Mary King (5th) with 2 faults

Fake FA Cup Value: 2

Result: Ascot United 2-2 Braintree Town

Game 8 – Uxbridge 1-? Deal Town

There’s a lovely irony about a card game failing to determine a score for Deal. Out of ideas, bored and massively hungover. It seemed like the best way forward was to simply ask the least British man I could find at the Olympic Park to pick a number between zero and two. His response …

Man says: 13

Fake FA Cup value: 13!

Result: Uxbridge 1-13 DealTown

Beautifully crafted and executed by The Masini & The McCreery from Tales From The Pigeon Stands. For more South London based amusement (and indeed education), visit their website and Twitter feed.

… now we just have to sort out the replays …


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