the real fa cup

ITV New Profanity

Why doesn’t Adam Fucking Crozier just fuck off back to fucking Scotland and get the fucking shit out of my fucking life? Is that bile filled enough a start? I’m not really that bothered but it’s what’s expected, right?

Well, maybe, but it was an amusing night so where to start … ? After four games of relative calm, a bit of banging on by Beglin and some old fashioned stereotyping from Mick ‘naive defending’ McCarthy, we get ITV HD ground zero.

But, before that, let’s go straight to Corden. I like Gav&Stace but I’m not a fan of the big lad when he’s on panel shows but, to be fair, neither he nor Simon Cowell were the problem with this show. Katy Perry, eh, whose bright idea was that? And Abby Clancy? What the fuck? What sort of insulting cult sticks Gordon Banks and Adam Johnson with these vapid tit-sticks? Though I did like that bloke out of Hollyoaks staring with hollow, dead eyes at the back of Banks’ head whenever he said anything. Weird.

Cowell is big enough and showbiz enough to deal with it, which he did admirably, and even came out of it with some cache. But the first 10 minute of that show will live long in my memory as the most buttock clenching TV since that one time I watched Jeremy Kyle.

I hope Banks and Johnson have sacked their agents.

Now, ITV. In our preview we sarcastically referred back to the Everton debacle, the one where they went to an ad break and missed the goal and the only bit of entertainment of note in a fairly dour game. Well, we joked that we hoped that wouldn’t happen again but, 4 minutes into the very first England game, ITV HD viewers were treated to the sponsor’s [I’m not naming them] shit and then a blank screen. The blank screen was, presumably, where someone was frantically trying to retrieve the situation and then realised England had scored so went all Robert Green, pressed ‘CUT’ and prepared themselves for a lynching.

Adrian Chiles to his immense discredit mumbled a quarter apology about viewing problems. I wonder if the directors told him the full nightmare scenario? Given most pubs would have been viewing in HD I am guessing a lot of people missed the goal. It was funny when it came back and it took a few seconds for someone to realise it had become 1-0.

There was an oddly muted cheer before half a dozen blokes started to spew forth the bile in the general direction of Adam Crozier and then descend in to fits of laughter. And don’t even get me started on Tyldesley, he must have been watching a different game for about the first hour so erratic where his utterings.

Then we noticed Henry Winter’s tweet: “In with #England coach Capello…not showing much awareness of enormity of result…”. Enormity? What enormity? Earlier, Henry said “Heskey helped make Gerrard’s goal but little else.” What game had this man been watching? Have you been on the sauce, Henry? A new low for the once great man.

What a classy way to end the day. All afternoon we’d been treated to some great shots of Maradona, finger pointy goal celeb, shouty shrugs at officials and rotund pleasure at full time. And all in glorious beardocolour.

I forgot about the eyebrows. Man, the eyebrows. During the BBC highlights package the MOTD team seemed to be controlled by experienced puppeteers. Eyebrows up, eyebrows down, someone with skill needs to edit it together to the Can Can.

Lee Dixon had had his shaved off, Hansen had gone for the kind of Hitler Moustache halfbrow shave and Big Al and Smooth Gal just upped and downed like a dog’s back leg. Most odd. And Becks with his Roger Moore eyebrow-up look topped it off. Top notch facial wizardry gets the Beeb crew the Weekend Pundit Gold Star.

1 Comment
  1. James Corden should probably stop saying “yes” to every single offer he gets. He’s becoming as over exposed as Peter Kay was. Patrick Stewart should have lamped him when he had the chance.

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