the real fa cup

The Unwatchable Final

Can anyone except Chelsea and Portsmouth fans really be arsed to watch this year’s cup final, or even read a piece about whether anyone can really be arsed about this year’s cup final?

No neutral really likes Chelsea and just as many are now sympathy fatigued by the shambles of Portsmouth. I suspect most would like to see a Pompey win but so few believe it possible they are unlikely to tune in unless the country is pounded with enough ash to make leaving the house impossible.

What’s it got going for it? Well, for a start there’s the lovely Ashley Cole … oh, hang on, we’ve been here before so let’s FFWD to Pompey … erm … why bother, it’s all been said.

Or has it? It’s easy to slate Chelsea and we certainly have in the past but what about Carlo? What about Joe Cole? What about Kalou? Where’s the harm there?

Among football’s many bankers, Joe is up there with the Co-Op for being one of the least offensive. Joe collects ornamental puppies and has a shelf full of pewter cups replete with dalmatian relief and corgi busts. When it comes to the FA Cup, Joe’s not had too much luck. He got subbed at half time in the 2007 final and busted up his knee against Southend in 2009. So, why not cheer for Joe the good guy? He looks a bit simple, he’s a bit small and Didier Drigba bullies him so we hope he scores a hatrick and gets his big face all over the papers.

Salomon Kalou is apparently another nice boy. Named after middle class walking shoes – a kind of Liberal sneaker, if you like, Sal is the friendly face of Chelsea’s front line. Kalou benefits from being neither Drogba nor Nicolas Anelka and so, of all the forwards at Chelsea, he finds himself in the unusual position of being the one no one despises.

And what of the gaffer? Well, he’s probably the only Premier League guv to pen and publish a treatise on dynamism and its role in the future of football. All the proceeds from his autobiography went towards research into amyotrophic lateral sclerosis! Those last two bits aren’t piss takes either. Believe it or not. This man deserves better than the players, owners and fans of this west London rabble.

The make up of Pompey’s transient team on matchday is more difficult to predict but we suspect recalls for Guy Whittingham, Martin Kuhl and Alans Knight and Biley, while more established stars can’t play because they would have to be paid.

Guy was an Admiral in the navy but after he retired he was more famous for being manager at Newport IoW and AFC Newbury both of whom nearly went bust under his tenure. He then rejoined Pompey as a coach and they promptly went into administration under the weight of insuring Guy’s vast cache of militaria. Whats not to like about the armed forces these days?

While playing for Pompey Alan Biley was in glam rock ensemble The Sweet and who doesn’t like pop classic ‘Blockbuster’? Martin Kuhl is cool.

We’ll not be watching this tedious dullfest where no one wins but as we are The Real FA Cup, we thought we should make a small effort. Instead we’re going to sit in a darkened gimp room with Sloth from Goonies and a pile of meeowmeeow. But we don’t need to watch because we know Lily Allen will be watching and she will no doubt sit and weep as her beloved Pompey succumb to the Chelsea machine.

  1. I’m going to watch the Scottish Cup Final instead. That’s how disinterested I am in this Final.

  2. I’d rather pull my own eyes out than watch this years FA Cup Final. Splendid write up as always old chap.

  3. Yearning for the days of a week-long build-up, culminating in Freddie Starr marching around the pitch in his comedy Hitler garb, I didn’t even realise it was Cup Final weekend. Now that I do, I’m not in the least bit bothered. That’s a sad state of affairs.

  4. I’m plotting what to do with my day. The result: a run, then watching Somerset v Sussex on Sky Sports before going to a (possibly dull) theatre committee meeting. All of these thing rank higher than watching the final. The most interest I’ll have will be finding out the score on the back of someone’s Metro on the tube on Monday morning.

  5. Damon Threadgold

    So, there you go, conclusive, statistically significant proof that NO ONE is interested. The gimp room is ready and Chunk is on his way with the meeow meeow.

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