Fast forward two hours and we’re huddled together, our inappropriately-clothed bodies whipped by wind, cold and rain, our legs throbbing in pain after cycling up the mini-mountain that is Highgate hill and we’re completely friendless. ‘er indoors’ is outdoors and she’d much rather be indoors. She’s not happy. “Is there somewhere I can go inside?” Um, no, sorry. “Do they do hot drinks?” At half-time, yes. “When’s that?” In 35 minutes. (Audible hurumph).

“We’re here now so we might as well enjoy it,” I say, silently praying that the rain holds off for our five-mile cycle home.

As we arrive, a little late, early pressure from Redbridge sees a free kick turned onto the post by the WAF keeper. WAF’s manager isn’t happy. “This is f-in embarrassing,” he yells. Suitably admonished, WAF take control and under the direction of impressive no.10 ‘Lenny’, dominate possession, fashioning a number of chances. Only heroic Redbridge defending keeps the hosts out. Soon though, the tables turn. A crafted ball over the WAF defence sees Redbridge’s right winger pick up possession, play the ball into the danger zone for James Robinson to slide it home.

Half-time comes and the cup upset (Redbridge are a league below Wingate & Finchley) is truly on. Mary, not caring two hoots, races for the club lounge, demanding a cuppa and shelter from the elements. The mood lightens. The sight of a young man in ill-fitting suit gamely attempting to sell WAF merchandise lifts the spirit. A pair of dole-eyed, yet vaguely menacing dogs patrol the bar. “It’s not like this at The Emirates,” I explain.

With some gentle persuasion, we take our seats for the second half. And it’s not long before the visitors increase their lead, a spilled shot from the WAF keeper leading to a simple tap-in for Dan Trenkel. WAF respond with a treble substitution, something that I, in 30 years of football-watching, have never seen live. Typical that I should wait so long for such a feat and Mary witnesses it in her first game. “Are you going to eat that apple or shall I?” she questions, urgently. Finally, the game, the home side and Mary are put out of their misery as Ben Bradbury tucks away a penalty with 10 minutes remaining.

The game is over, the cup upset complete. The cold and rain remains though and for Mary, there’s only one question left to be asked …”Do they do mint tea, d’you think?”

Play Off Semi Final.

We need to extend therealfacup gene pool a little, there is a certain circularity about recent games that needs to be addressed. Had we been to Summers Lane before? Yup. Had we seen Wingate & Finchley play in the last few weeks? Affirmitive. Well, next season we seek out new grounds, for now we head to N***h London.

Last time we did see W&F they were shutting their gate in the face of our adopted Dulwich Hamlet in the Championship Manager Cup final. Today, probably a bigger game, they fought for the right to play in another game to see if they could win that one and get promoted to a higher league. Akk, it’s play-off season!

It’s already been quite a year for W&F. As well as the Championship Manager Cup, they have a London Senior Cup final in the pending file for next Tuesday and they came a creditable 3rd in Ryman League Division 1 North. They’ve received plaudits for their ground. It’s well kept, the vaguely art-deco stand is a joy, although oddly removed from the pitch for a non-league ground  thanks to it adjoining the rugby club stand next door. The other covered stands are solid and tidy and all of this overlooks a playing surface in very decent nick for the time of the season.

In truth this was a fall-back game, we were intending to head south to Bognor to watch the aforementioned Hamlet in the Southern version of the right to be in a final to get to the promised land of Carshalton Athletic and the Hope public house. While we were sporadically (actually quite regularly) distracted with Tweets of Hamlet mightily upsetting the odds, this game was not only a goal fest but also introduced us to the wonderful world of the Harlow Ultras. What a fine bunch of chaps.

Ultras – ‘a type of sports fan known for their fanatical support and elaborate displays’, tick. ‘… the use of flares’, … errrr … kind of. ‘…displaying of banners at football stadiums’, tick. “… predominantly European followers of football teams”, well, Harlow is definitely in bloody Europe isn’t it, so, tick! But, more than anything, as Pilz & Wolki-Schumacher said in their study of ‘new developments in supporters behaviour’, “What all … ultras seem to have in common is simply their desire to support their club or team while enjoying the experience”, HUGE TICK for Harlow.

Having changed ownership, chairmanship, managership and playership more times than Portsmouth in the last 3 years or so, the Harlow chaps could be forgiven for being a sombre lot, especially as they finished bottom of the league last year. Intrinsically linked with Harlow’s mega employer, Pitney Bowes, the club are now sponsored by the mailing giant who live at the back of, and give the name to, one end of their ground. In fact, the Pitney Bowes name even appears in a Harlow terrace song, which must make them unique among football club sponsors.

It’s amazing what a few good months and a tidy brand of football can do for a club. As soon as the whistler whistled, the small pocket of 50 or so fans with a big red flag tied to the fence started singing. And singing. Their boys started the brightest too and with just five on the clock, ‘Gate’s keeper Bobby Smith was out smartly to parry a shot from a brilliant through–ball, brilliantly block the rebound and then foil an attempted chip. Great triple save. That was it for goal action for the half until a horrendous foul up between the liability that was Leo Roget and the keeper presented Leon Smith with a clear ooportunity. He broke clear of the shambles before effectively passing back to the keeper he’d just accidentally beaten a second beforehand.

Despite the lack of goal action, the game was engaging, with Wingate happy to play on the break like they did in the first half against Dulwich in last month’s league cup final. At times they had to soak up some pressure, most of it applied by Harlow’s impressive Getro Kilapi, who was Makelele-ing his way through an impressive first half, and the snappy box-to-box-er Leon Lalite. At other times Wingate’s breaks produced short but regular spells of pressure. Leon Smith was giving Leo Roget a fearful talking to every time he got the ball – although the mini-mohawked striker certainly had his shoot-wildly-and-fail-to-pass boots on in the first half. Half time, 0-0.

Throughout most of the game we stayed in the end stand while home and way fans swapped ends with their teams. One thing we noticed in the first half was the ‘policing’ of fans. Having heard the odd borderline moment on our last visit to Summers Lane, it was good to see the senior stewards and officials keeping an eye on the hot-headed youngsters. They got given a good bit of rope but whenever anyone appeared to have had too much tartrazine, a wise old head gently leant over and had a quiet word to make sure they didn’t do or say anything stupid. Top marks to W&F for this, it definitely helped to give the game an almost entirely joyful and banterful game.

A meeting with Yasser and a pint of ale later we headed back to the same end to sample the Harlow experience. The second half appeared to be a more lively affair, although I couldn’t tell whether that was because of the relentless bouncing and singing we were in the midst of, or whether the game had genuinely speeded up and was more stretched and open.

They had a great song about centre back Laurie Stewart, something about how the fans were jealous of his prowess, feared that their wives and girlfriends all wanted to sleep with him and how they were jealous of his beautiful ginger hair. Then Wingate went and scored. Leon had put his shooting boots on at half time and they slipped the ball under the keeper into the corner of the net. The Wingate youth team players/stewards standing in front of the Harlow fans went bonkers, with some justification but their momentum took them a little further than they thought. A senior steward came over and sent them to the stands out of harms way. Highly amusing interlude. 1-0 Wingate.

Wingate then seemed to sit back and a defensive cock up allowed the brilliant Kilapi to acrobatically level from inside the box. The goal led to some significant spells of Hawks pressure, buoyed by the relentless noise made by the very few, but Wingate continued to look very dangerous on the break. Roget had improved on his first half show but Smith was a handful.

The light was now very dim and I turned round to comment to Yasser and The Mysterious Tangerine (we still await part 3 of his opus) about the Harlow fans lifting the team only to see a small bright fire behind, then another, then another, then another … MY GOD, FLARES! At a Ryman League game! On closer inspection through the smoke I realised they were just many coloured sparklers. Genius. I was taken, perhaps with inappropriate irony, back to Berlin’s Olympiastadion in February, albeit on a significantly smaller scale. This was joyous.

A ball boy mix up resulted in two balls on the pitch. One Harlow wag started up a brief “Two balls, no ‘skins” song which, aside from being incredibly quick off the mark, was probably just about the right side of acceptable, although somewhere shy of passing the Jim ‘Nick Nick’ Davidson 1970s material test.

The final ten minutes or so was relentless Harlow pressure. A series of corners brought the best out of Bobby Smith and his defence, with balls claimed under the bar, tipped over them or deflected round the posts. Wingate held on and extra time was due. Yasser started to worry he would never get home. The Wingate stewards ushered each set of fans down opposite sides of the ground to change ends.

Extra time continued in much the same vein of Harlow attack but a breakaway five minutes in effectively ended the game. The pacy Smith broke clear, was met on the edge of the area by the ballad-slow Roget, flicked the ball up over him, repeated the trick when the defender was mid turn, did it again to put him on his arse and then slotted the ball past the keeper. Roget’s night had reached its nadir. 2-1 to Wingate.

We knew Wingate could defend and break, this appeared to be the end of the game. Just two minutes later, it was, when laird cleverly lobbed the keeper with not much room to aim for. 3-1 Wingate. The fans traipsed to the other end again and we spent the last five minutes with the now happy and boisterous young Wingate fraternity who sang “we’ve got our stand back” with an air of quiet respect for their rowdy opponents. We also reserve the song of the night for Wingate’s MILF effort to tea-lady Julia, who absolutely loved it.

Harlow got picked off again before getting a consolation and the final 4-2 scoreline was harsh on them because they had played the better and prettier football for the purist but, it has to be said, W&F are a tidy defensive unit with a good keeper, disciplined and speedy in attack (not necessarily long ball) and are going to be a very difficult proposition for Brentwood in the final at The Harry Abrahams Stadium on Saturday.

The final word needs to go to both clubs.  Both sets of fans, although mostly Harlow’s, deserve nod for creating an atmosphere unusual in a crowd of 350, and making us forget at least slightly that we were missing one of the most surprising results in Dulwich Hamlet’s recent history. Both clubs deserve credit for the conduct of their players and Wingate & Finchley deserve a back-slap for the kind of personal policing not possible at much larger grounds.

Final Score: Wingate & Finchley 4 – 2 Harlow Town (aet)

Ryman League Division 1 North Play Off Final – Wingate & Finchley v Brentwood Town
Ryman League Division 1 South Play Off Final – Leatherhead v Dulwich Hamlet

Both games Saturday 7th May @3pm. Probably a tenner, although given Wingate’s usual price is £8 and they hoofed it up to £10 for the semi, maybe it’ll go up another 25% and be £12.50? Who knows?

*Cheers to The Mysterious Tangerine for additional photos.

“What a f*****g spastic!” was a particularly inglorious shout from the frustrated touchline as W&F desperately searched for a deserved late winner. Not sure the vocal fan will be heading to Aylesbury for the replay on Tuesday, although to be fair I’m not sure the 8 (EIGHT!) therealfacupsters will be heading there either. A sunny Saturday of drinking in North London is a lot different to a cold autumnal Tuesday trip to Aylesbury for the replay.

Notable things about this day: Sulzeer. Is he? Cliches. 100mph. World of Kosher. Cabbies, grrrr. Subliminal clocks. Palm Trees (above). Tracksuit manager or suited manager? Very old man. Pointy foam hands. Cheeky ref.

Cunningly, W&F’s main stand appears to be part of the same building as the next door Rugby club’s main stand, they look like they were a built together as a job lot. As a result, the stand is oddly distant from the pitch and the club roll a cage out to create a tunnel across the tarmac and into the playing area. It’s a few years since I’ve smeared myself in Deep Heat but the memories of yesteryear focused as the players trooped down the ‘tunnel’ and on to the pitch. The smell was deafening. We’d barely finished our pre-match wonderment at what joys the advertised Kosher World had in store when Wingate & Finchley scored and then equally quickly conceded. 1-1 after 3 minutes. Aylesbury’s goal was a scrappy affair, bundled in, W&F’s was a pinpoint cross and header by no8.

After the early thrills the game settled down. W&F were easy on the eye while the Swans of Aylesbury were more ugly duckling, a bit more rural. When a centre half starts a game with a bandaged head, you get the impression he’ll not shirk. He didn’t, neither did Aylesbury, but they were largely second best in almost all departments except endeavour and goals.

I clumsily dropped my notebook and programme over the railings and on to the touchline. I was about to jump over and retrieve them but suddenly had the ludicrous image of being barred from football grounds for invading the playing area. A kindly sub saved me from a ten stretch in the big house and the unnerving possibility of having to remember things about a game in the middle of a drink fuelled birthday weekend.

Wingate’s centre back weaved Leboeuf-esque through the entire Aylesbury team before finally being tackled as he was about to breach his opposite number’s back line.

The Aylesbury gaffer was not impressed with his midfield and told them so. This gaffer was of the modern breed, sharpish suit, polished shoes, crisp and freshly laundered shirt. What sort of gaffer would you be? A frankly startling number of people believed the tracksuit manager was the way forward. What? Who wants to be Neil Warnock?! Ludicrous thought. The next thought was better. With all the gesticulating managers do, one of our number suggested they should have big pointy foam hands to help them get their point across.

After a timely challenge by a defender, a distant voice in the crowd shouts “We love you Neil”. This is followed by a Sid James cackle that reappears at various points throughout the game. But who is Neil? There’s no Neil mentioned for either team in the programme. I’ve just checked the respective websites and, aside from the fact that Aylesbury appear to have only 7 registered players, there is no one called Neil. Did I imagine this? I’m now questioning my sanity.

Half Time Wingate & Finchley 1 Aylesbury FC 1

A very engaging game, W&F should be in front but Aylesbury defended well and looked relatively dangerous on the break. From the club badge to the kosher ads, the star of david on the clock, the name of the stadium there are reminders of where Wingate came from. It is almost certainly the only football club named in honour of an eccentric Zionist who allegedly favoured tying a raw onion around his neck, upon which to snack when the mood took. What he would have thought about this posthumous honour one can only guess.

We moved round to the Harvey Ackerman Stand (right). The second half was a bit more even and W&F looked as though they might rue the missed chances as Aylesbury went close. That is, however, until a composed piece of play from no8 that saw him into the box, stop his run and place a shot across the keeper that went in off the far post (below, left). 20 minutes later W&F shot themselves in the foot again, although to be fair Aylesbury had improved and had several chances to equalise before the no3 did.

Sid James was at it in the main stand again as long balls went in to both boxes and he was joined by several of the home team’s supporters when an Aylesbury defender clearly stamped on a W&F forward. The ref got both barrels for his failure to deal with it and took the odd decision to vocally respond to some touchline grief. Is he supposed to do that?

In the last minute Wingate’s no10 wriggled into the box and looked set to seal the win until the keeper saved, the rebound fell to the no7 who really should have scored but put it too close the defenders who had tracked back and blocked it on the line.

Full Time Wingate & Finchley 2 Aylesbury FC 2.

Post match Simon popped in to the Boardroom to request some teamsheets but befriended the W&F chairman and had some biscuits. The vast majority of therealfacupsters then adjourned to watch Roy Keane applying for his P45 while Ipswich named their North Stand after his far more successful predecessor. Arsenal pulling out a very un-Arsenal performance. A very hot day.

It looked like Walton & Hersham .v. Enfield Town all the way but then Sutton .v. Uxbridge came up on the rails but Wingate & Finchley .v. Aylesbury stole in at the end. Great stuff. Let’s hope the game matches the vote for tension.

So, the game, yes, the game, Orde Wingate would I am sure be pleased to see us there. Wiki that, he was THE Wingate.

We have at least two, probably four, cupsters signed up for this game already so what’s the plan? The ground is miles from the tube so crawl on the way?

First up here and that would appear to be about it. Any locals know the score? Then the club bar after some walking, or a bus.

We’ve been pretty south-centric so far so here’s a quick shout out for Northern allies who are actually being productive and raising some dosh for charity while they watch the FA Cup http://runcorn2wembley.blogspot.com/