The bank holiday weekend presented the opportunity to head up into Buckinghamshire to see a clash of two Uniteds. Essex Senior League Stalwarts Tiptree headed up the M1 to visit famed Cup campaigners, Aylesbury, for a Sunday afternoon clash.

They’ll have needed to check their directions, though, because Aylesbury United don’t play in Aylesbury at the moment. The club have been homeless for a couple of seasons now, after the lease ran out on their former home. They’ve been forced to decamp north to Leighton Buzzard, where they groundshare with local heroes Leighton Town.

Today’s preliminary round tie features teams with two of the least intimidating nicknames in non-league football. Aylesbury can at least claim that their epithet, “the Ducks”, played a significant part in their greatest moment in the FA Cup limelight. Back in January 1995, around the time that Eric Cantona was karate-kicking Matt Simmons at Selhurst and Kevin Keegan was fleecing Alex Ferguson for £7.5 million in exchange for “Andrew” Cole, Aylesbury travelled to QPR (where Sir Leslie Ferdinand still strutted in his pomp) for a third round tie. They lost, but their “ducks in a row” waddle-dance – already made famous as a goal celebration in previous rounds – was trotted out after the final whistle and, courtesy of the BBC cameras, broadcast far and wide to charm sports fans around the world. It’s still the first (and only) thing most football fans think of when they hear the name Aylesbury United. Tiptree, meanwhile, have yet to really capitalise on their alternative name of “the Jam Makers” – the mind boggles to think what kind of team mime they might have to devise in order to do so.

Leighton Buzzard is fully 20 miles from Aylesbury, which is quite a trek to make every other week for a home game. And although United have done their best to make Bell Close feel like home on matchday, it is identifiably Leighton’s ground, with their crest (complete with eponymous bird of prey) and red and white colours everywhere. Lived-in but well enough maintained, it’s a typical small town football venue, with a few twists to give it a character of its own.

The single-storey clubhouse stands at the eastern end of the ground, nearest Lake Street, on a slight rise above the pitch. There are a couple of steps of terracing running down the front of this rise, complete with rusty crush barriers. Unusually, as you move to the right along this terrace, you have to pass through the players’ tunnel – actually not a tunnel at all, but simply a path across the terrace that can be closed off with a mesh gate, to allow the players to pass from dressing-room to pitch unmolested by the baying Leightonian hordes. Bell Close isn’t a ground that makes much effort to shield retiring players and officials from the close attention of the spectators, a theme that continues to the right where, along the northernmost side of the pitch, tiny wooden dugouts like three-walled sheds allow barely enough room for the substitutes to sit, with coaching staff spilling either onto the pitch (no room for a technical area here) or into the four-row-deep covered stand, which features smart red seats. West of here, the other end has a typical non-league covered terrace, with disused turnstiles at the back. The club name is painted onto the front of the roof, which combined with a fresh coat of creosote for the rest gives the stand a smart, professional look. The remaining side, to the south, is a curio. A small path, fenced off from the pitch, runs about one third of the way down from the eastern end, allowing spectators to stand and watch. This path peters out halfway down, and from there on, the only way to walk up or down this side of the ground is upon the turf at the very edge of the pitch. After the game, your writer and his better half were forced to take this route, meaning that we effectively staged an involuntary pitch invasion in the FA Cup! Nobody noticed us. Behind the fence along this side lie a cricket pitch and some nets, part of the same complex that comprises the football ground and a tennis club – not an unusual arrangement at this level.

The game itself is lively in the first half, slowing to a jog in the second. Green-and-white Aylesbury, the better side on this showing, are 2-0 up before half time, urged on by comfortably the louder of the two coaching staffs. Their assistant manager does most of the bellowing, with Gordon Ramsay lookalike manager Byron Walton leaning over the fence (there’s no room for him in the dugout after all) and periodically hollering invective or (more rarely) insight. After the break, Tiptree’s Reds shape up, with energetic striker Lee Underwood clipping in a smart finish to set up some sustained pressure that keeps Aylesbury on their (webbed) toes until the whistle. All in all a decent game of football, enlivened by the skills and powerful running of Aylesbury goalscorer Matt Kimani and by a generally high standard of genial banter between both sets of players and the Aylesbury bench.

Guesty getting to the ball first

Name: Martyn Guest
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 14st
Previous Clubs: Tilbury, Bowers & Pitsea

Thanks to Martyn for being the first realfacup victim. We were as much interview virgins as, apparently, he was. Anyway, therealfacup could have talked to him for hours but he has a life, even if we don’t.

The confidence that comes with the new, the yet to unfold, can be a very short lived confidence, particularly in football. Going into this season at Basildon United Martyn thinks it could be a good one. After last year’s encouraging mid table finish, “the retention of players and manager mean this could be a good season” for the club. This could be a good cup run too, The Bees have fairly recently beaten their FA Cup opposition convincingly in last year’s FA Vase so they have nothing to fear from their perhaps better known opponents.

Whether he has the fear or not, Martyn says “he always respects the opposition” and his admiration for local rivals Bowers, Tilbury and Tiptree is clear, the latter he rates as his “toughest opponents”. ‘Guesty’ didn’t elaborate on why Tiptree are tough opponents, just that they are a good team. Neither was he specific about which players were toughest, which I’m happy to gloss over in favour of added mystery and we don’t want to give away his secrets. But, he’ll only have to wait until December for that particular tough fixture to come round again.

Job: General Builder
Car: Ford Transit
Nickname: Guesty
Favourite Player: David Beckham

As for the FA Cup, Martyn’s looking forward to it, he’s only played for the jug once before so can’t wait to get into it. Erith Town or Ampthill Town await in the next round and Leighton Town, Langford or Aylesbury in the 1st Qualifying Round but I asked him who he’d most like to get if they get through. Perhaps surprisingly, or maybe realistically, Martyn didn’t get all misty eyed and start dreaming of clashes with the big 4 or his favoured West Ham. Without hesitation, he went for Ryman Premier League side Hornchurch, because “I used to live there, so that would be good”.

Until 15th August, therealfacup will not see Martyn play but he modestly describes himself as “a no nonsense centre back, comfortable on the ball and can play a bit”. We’ll see what his team mates have to say if they read this, particularly Mr Poulter the below mentioned dressing room joker. That said, he tell us this with a matter-of-fact air, with realism and no sense of drama or arrogance. It sits comfortably alongside his Hornchurch wish for the Cup, his assertion that the biggest influences on his career are his friends and the down to earth realism for the season ahead. We’re building up a picture of a very amiable, honest, hard working guy happy with his lot and looking forward to the season.

‘Good effort’ is Martyn’s apt favourite football cliche, effort and application is clearly an important ethic for him and he’s quick to acknowledge the role that manager and fans play in that ethic. At the end of the interview he wanted to “thank the fans and manager for their support and good luck to Football 4 The Community”, the Basildon United community project.

Most Difficult Opponents: Tiptree
Favourite Team: West Ham
Basildon Utd Dressing Room Joker: Stephen Poulter
Pre-Match Meal: Beans On Toast
Favourite TV Show: Friends

Although thanking the fans that do come, I get the impression that Martyn would like the Football 4 The Community project to succeed in bringing more fans into the ground on match days and ramping up the atmosphere, a thought Ipm sure shared by his team mates and Chairman

I asked Martyn if the fans had any songs about him and he was either being coy or the Basildon fans need to sing a bit louder.

Drifting away from the immediate future, I asked Martyn about the gulf between the Essex Senior League and the very top of the pyramid. There was no trace of envy in his response, “I’m not too bothered earning a fortune from the game because I enjoy playing” but he conceded, with a chuckle, that he “wouldn’t turn it down if it came along”. Not in a rush to swap the Transit for a Ferrari in a hurry but Martyn did admit that if a bigger club came in for him he said he’d definitely think about testing himself at a higher level. Martyn’s too modest to say how far up the pyramid he could go but, if you’re reading, Alex Ferguson, he thinks your The Gaffer of gaffers.

Favoutie Pop Star: John Mayer
Favourite Food: Steak
Best Place Visited: Cancun, Mexico
Miscellaneous Likes: Playing Golf
Miscellaneous Dislikes: Stressing About Things

Again, thanks to Martyn for sparing us a few minutes of precious Friday evening time. I don’t think he noticed that I’d been drinking all day at the cricket and was a little worse for wear but, if he did, he didn’t laugh too loud.

Good luck Martyn, Basildon Utd and all teams playing for this year’s Cup

Damon

With thanks to Richard Mann, Andy Everett and the man himself, Guesty.