Here we go again! This vote seems to have come round very quickly. Anyway, like we said, we’re spreading our wings a little in this round. We could well end up somewhere in the home counties or the Garden of England etc etc

There are some literally HUGE games oop north with several top-of-the-table clashes concerning Blue Square North teams. But we aint going that far just yet. So, we’ve concentrated on the south, the quaint old grounds, the local derbies or the potential giant killings.

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Click through to the main article for preview of these games.

First up, Oxford City of the Southern Lge Prem take on a team lurking at the top end of the league below, could be the potential for a small shock here.

Next up, Unibond 1 South League side Lincoln United find themslves on a good cup run but they have yet to win a game in the league and they face a stern test from Frickley Athletic in the league above them. When we say Frickley are 2nd from bottom of the league above you might perhaps think the task isn’t as big, however, if you ignore the rather disasterous Durham at the foot of the table with 0 points, the entire league is separated by just 9 points after 10 or 11 games.

Dartford v Chelmsford is quite probably the pundit’s choice in the south. Chelmsford are a Blue Square South club with ambition, they narrowly missed out on promotion last season and are up there again this. Chelmsford also thrashed realfacup favourites Enfield 1893 on their own patch in the previous round. Dartford, though, are roaring clear at the top of the Ryman Premier, just a league below Chelmsford and home advantage will give them heart. This could be a cracking game and, at this stage, either side look good to provide a stern test to league sides in the propers.

Another side storming their respective league, having done so in the previous two seasons also, is Dover. They haven’t had things quite so much their own way this season but are still a fair way ahead of league rivals Welling. Welling have a decent cup pedigree over the last 20 years for a side who were only started up in the 60s. This is probably the pick of the Southern ties, as far as league position goes, but given Dover’s last round victory of 8-0, Welling do have a job on their hands.

Next is derby time. Aylesbury FC and Chesham Utd are only 5-10kms apart but they are separated by two league levels and a whole world in footballing terms. Home advantage should even this out a little for Aylesbury, about whom we were perhaps wrongly a bit harsh in the previous round, where they proved us entirely wrong with a replay victory over the apparently more gifted Wingate & Finchley. Maybe we’ll be following them again?

Finally, perhaps an odd choice, but Thurrock deserve this because there are only two teams left in the draw who are higher up the pyramid. Potters Bar town are two rungs down so we’ve gone for this as a potential upset, partly because of Potters Bar’s convincing win in the previous round.

So, now the choice is yours, tell us where to go, tell us where to get off …

“Ten to six, we’ve got plenty of time for a burger”. Famous last words in a relaxed rural boozer. 15 mins to kick off and still no sign of it. The landlord slowly picks up his coat, pushed his arms through the sleeves with an aloof air and trundles off into the night, who knows where but he left with words tailing off that he had “told the girl where we were sitting”. Comforting. We bolt them down and pop round to the ground via a scene of high street bus blockage caused by a foolishly parked Merc.

As we slipped through the gates a cheer went up, sadly not for us. In the distance we could see red shirts trudging away from a goal. “Hampton 0 Braintree 1, Purcell” announced the scratchy tannoy, “after 9 minutes” it added to tell us how much we’d missed thanks to burger sloth. Doh. “Would the owner of a beige Mercedes registration number ….” Doh.

We aren’t sure what went on in the first 9 minutes but in the next 29 H&R hit the post, had one tipped round it, had a shot tipped along the bar and two shots tipped over it. In that time Braintree had not played badly, they simply got carved open time and time again by a side who’s performance belied their lowly league position.

Braintree appeared to have weathered the storm on several occasions, only for the clouds to gather again each time. Even when breaking well Braintree saw both lino and ref fail to spot a blatant push on Purcell near Hampton’s left touchline.

In the 37th minute the bells started to toll for Braintree, literally, the church next door started clanging out random peals. Within a minute the literal bells were joined by the metaphorical and the Iron finally fell, to probably the most fortunate shot all match.

Judging by the number 2 on his back, midfield is not the usual position of H&R’s playmaker Marcello Fernandes but he had caused all manner of problems in the large spaces between Braintree’s banks of 4. Unmarked outside the box he lunged in, scooped a long range shot up and over the keeper and celebrated with a sliding dive (below right).

As we were noting the goal, a man ambled past with assistance of stick and, to nobody in particular, whispered “you got your food alright then?” The landlord failed to wait for a response and shuffled off like a ghostly apparition towards the tolling bells.

Just before the break the lino gave Braintree offside, again wrongly, and the actual bells started to toll again. I shit you not, the metaphorical ones followed again. H&R 2 Braintree 1, Dundas puts the Beavers in front just before half time.

It was a really nice ground actually. Compact and consisting of a mish mash of very small stands built in different eras, they came together to create a whole that exceeded the sum of its parts. Decent looking bar too. That was a cracking first half though, quite frenetic at the Braintree end and Hampton’s fans clearly hadn’t seen this sort of display in months. To add insult to injury, the ref was giving pretty much everything to the home side.

The second half started with Hampton’s Jamie Collins taking what the collective intake of male breath perceived to be a stud-scraping to the bollocks. He was prone for two minutes, face down in the dirt, hands cupped under him. The massed ranks of men around the ground turned into each other, wincing, peering through narrowed eyes to see if he got up. The lenses of cameras all around the ground were dropped in respect for this private moment. A small ripple of applause accompanied the continuation of the game but Collins was not happy and lasted few minutes more.

The second half was more even than the first, Braintree now picking up Fernandes before he could get into the hole and, as a result, were not under so much pressure and getting more possession. It was now going end to end, if Braintree scored next things could get tense, if Hampton did it was probably game over.

Fernandes was still having a big say, though now much deeper. We don’t know much about this chap but if he played like that every week he would be a lot higher up the pyramid.

The first great chance falls to Braintree, Matt Game’s free kick is tipped around the post by Lovett. A few crosses each and some nice moves later, Fernandes arcs an awkward bouncing ball wide right to McDonald who wrong foots the defence by volleying first time across goal to Yaku. The Yak controls, turns and shoots in one movement and the ball flies unstoppably just under the bar. 3-1 H&R.

The Beavers fans spread their lungs at last, “Beavers, Beavers, Beavers … ” and the game continued end to end, Braintree still with belief. Then in almost identical fashion to Wingate’s 2nd goal on Saturday, Barrie Matthews placed the ball across keeper McMahon and in off the post (left).

It has to be said the Braintree side featured a good few changes to those listed in the programme, possibly due to work commitments, which was a little unfortunate. They were however still giving it a go until the end, not daunted by the three goal deficit. Beavers fans by now were Ole-ing anything more than two consecutive passes and five youths in the Accord Accountants stand started a Mexican wave among themselves.

All very funny, Matt expressed his utter disdain for Ole’s and Simon noted Arsenal’s failure to ever score at the end of a series of Ole’s. I was silent, struggling to remember the last time I witnessed Ole’s at an Ipswich game …

“What a f*****g spastic!” was a particularly inglorious shout from the frustrated touchline as W&F desperately searched for a deserved late winner. Not sure the vocal fan will be heading to Aylesbury for the replay on Tuesday, although to be fair I’m not sure the 8 (EIGHT!) therealfacupsters will be heading there either. A sunny Saturday of drinking in North London is a lot different to a cold autumnal Tuesday trip to Aylesbury for the replay.

Notable things about this day: Sulzeer. Is he? Cliches. 100mph. World of Kosher. Cabbies, grrrr. Subliminal clocks. Palm Trees (above). Tracksuit manager or suited manager? Very old man. Pointy foam hands. Cheeky ref.

Cunningly, W&F’s main stand appears to be part of the same building as the next door Rugby club’s main stand, they look like they were a built together as a job lot. As a result, the stand is oddly distant from the pitch and the club roll a cage out to create a tunnel across the tarmac and into the playing area. It’s a few years since I’ve smeared myself in Deep Heat but the memories of yesteryear focused as the players trooped down the ‘tunnel’ and on to the pitch. The smell was deafening. We’d barely finished our pre-match wonderment at what joys the advertised Kosher World had in store when Wingate & Finchley scored and then equally quickly conceded. 1-1 after 3 minutes. Aylesbury’s goal was a scrappy affair, bundled in, W&F’s was a pinpoint cross and header by no8.

After the early thrills the game settled down. W&F were easy on the eye while the Swans of Aylesbury were more ugly duckling, a bit more rural. When a centre half starts a game with a bandaged head, you get the impression he’ll not shirk. He didn’t, neither did Aylesbury, but they were largely second best in almost all departments except endeavour and goals.

I clumsily dropped my notebook and programme over the railings and on to the touchline. I was about to jump over and retrieve them but suddenly had the ludicrous image of being barred from football grounds for invading the playing area. A kindly sub saved me from a ten stretch in the big house and the unnerving possibility of having to remember things about a game in the middle of a drink fuelled birthday weekend.

Wingate’s centre back weaved Leboeuf-esque through the entire Aylesbury team before finally being tackled as he was about to breach his opposite number’s back line.

The Aylesbury gaffer was not impressed with his midfield and told them so. This gaffer was of the modern breed, sharpish suit, polished shoes, crisp and freshly laundered shirt. What sort of gaffer would you be? A frankly startling number of people believed the tracksuit manager was the way forward. What? Who wants to be Neil Warnock?! Ludicrous thought. The next thought was better. With all the gesticulating managers do, one of our number suggested they should have big pointy foam hands to help them get their point across.

After a timely challenge by a defender, a distant voice in the crowd shouts “We love you Neil”. This is followed by a Sid James cackle that reappears at various points throughout the game. But who is Neil? There’s no Neil mentioned for either team in the programme. I’ve just checked the respective websites and, aside from the fact that Aylesbury appear to have only 7 registered players, there is no one called Neil. Did I imagine this? I’m now questioning my sanity.

Half Time Wingate & Finchley 1 Aylesbury FC 1

A very engaging game, W&F should be in front but Aylesbury defended well and looked relatively dangerous on the break. From the club badge to the kosher ads, the star of david on the clock, the name of the stadium there are reminders of where Wingate came from. It is almost certainly the only football club named in honour of an eccentric Zionist who allegedly favoured tying a raw onion around his neck, upon which to snack when the mood took. What he would have thought about this posthumous honour one can only guess.

We moved round to the Harvey Ackerman Stand (right). The second half was a bit more even and W&F looked as though they might rue the missed chances as Aylesbury went close. That is, however, until a composed piece of play from no8 that saw him into the box, stop his run and place a shot across the keeper that went in off the far post (below, left). 20 minutes later W&F shot themselves in the foot again, although to be fair Aylesbury had improved and had several chances to equalise before the no3 did.

Sid James was at it in the main stand again as long balls went in to both boxes and he was joined by several of the home team’s supporters when an Aylesbury defender clearly stamped on a W&F forward. The ref got both barrels for his failure to deal with it and took the odd decision to vocally respond to some touchline grief. Is he supposed to do that?

In the last minute Wingate’s no10 wriggled into the box and looked set to seal the win until the keeper saved, the rebound fell to the no7 who really should have scored but put it too close the defenders who had tracked back and blocked it on the line.

Full Time Wingate & Finchley 2 Aylesbury FC 2.

Post match Simon popped in to the Boardroom to request some teamsheets but befriended the W&F chairman and had some biscuits. The vast majority of therealfacupsters then adjourned to watch Roy Keane applying for his P45 while Ipswich named their North Stand after his far more successful predecessor. Arsenal pulling out a very un-Arsenal performance. A very hot day.