Well, here we are then. A perfectly reasonable summer lunchtime sees us head away from South London, heavily armed with shades, camera, phone, note book and pen.

Tooled up for our raid on Norf West Lahndan we head for Lords for the smack of leather on willow, cucumber sandwiches, a flask of tea and maybe a nip of gin. Oh, no, hang on, that isn’t linseed oil, it’s deep heat, the football season has started and excitement is in the air! Except it really isn’t. After the build up of the last few weeks, today seems somewhat subdued. There are no crowds at Sudbury Town tube, even the Swan has precious few punters watching the 2nd half of Chelsea .v. Hull. It’s summer and it’s warm and people are out doing summery things.

We, however, are off to Vale Farm for the FA Cup.

Our journey passed slowly but uneventfully. Our entry to the ground was pedestrian and unremarkable, the programmes were sold out. The game was quite good and the players were really up for it. Everything else seemed quite calm, there was a sparseness to the crowd that added to the feeling that the season hadn’t quite started. We don’t yet know the attendance but it couldn’t have been quite in three figures. A LOT less than when we were here for Hendon .v. AFC Telford last season.

Obligatory ‘in the shadow of the Wembley Arch’ out of the way, I’m afraid the beautiful symmetry of Wembley FC getting to Wembley will have to wait another year. At least. Wembley’s stay did at least last longer than our good camera, the batteries for which expired while trying to photo the team sheet. The Wembley side of the sheet lacked the injured Andy Walker, shame as we’d hoped to get some photos of this elusive centre back. Bit of a blow for Wembley.

The first 10-15 minutes of the game passed with phone camera poised but unused. It was a tense, scrappy opening, with neither team looking either composed or convincing. Basildon did though look like a collection of players who actually knew each other. Wembley were a little ragged. The first memorable action came on about 15 when a voice from the Basildon dugout gave a curt reminder to his charges that the game is not a complicated animal. “Simple it up” was the shout and it was met by a monumental hoof up the pitch. “That was pretty simple” said one wag a few feet along the touchline.

That did, however, serve to focus the mind. Basildon started to have some possession and within five minutes should have been one up. A period of possession around the Wembley box resulted in a goalmouth scramble. The ball was half cleared but an angled Basildon drive towards the bottom corner struck the unfortunate Bee Ollie Baker and was cleared to safety by the grateful Wembley defence. That was unlucky, should have been 1 zip.

Basildon regained possession and were building up a head of steam. A sweet cross field pass to Paul Richardson set him free down the right, he beat his man but couldn’t get a clean cross in and won a corner. The corner was perfect, arrowed in to the penalty spot where Martyn Guest leapt like the most salmony of salmon and hung like the buzziest of Bees, smashing a header onto the bar. Not for the last time in the game Cassells in the Wembley goal didn’t quite get enough of the ball and Luke Bauckman forced it in the rebound. 0-1 Basildon.

Basildon were now purposeful and accurate, playing good balls to feet with efficient off the ball movement. Wembley had resorted to hopeful out balls and were under pressure.

Benkalba broke in a rare Wembley attack but was hauled down by Guest, a blot on an otherwise impressive start from therealfacup’s premiere interviewee. The resultant free kick was somewhat wasted. Guesty then got involved in some handbags with Paul Shelton and it probably deserved a card a piece. The ref had other ideas and, as he’d dealt well with the few potential flashpoints of the game with a talking to, so he did here.

Of course, then Wembley’s Black took out Basildon’s Baker and got himself a yellow. Wembley had now completely lost discipline and some more handbags preceded a Basildon attack that was ended by some shirt tugging on the edge of the box. Wembley’s Habbaz paid for getting shirty with his name. Guest went for goal direct from the free kick but didn’t test the keeper, although the defence was all over the place.

Basildon are now well on top and a lovely chip from the lively Rick Robinson slips narrowly past the post. After 38 minutes Wembley buckled, Baker crossed and Bauckman steered a sturdy header past the wobbly Cassell in Wembley’s goal.

As Wembley desperately tried to regain a hold on the game the obviously talented but possession-starved Campbell-Grimshaw switched wings. We have no idea how but almost immediately Wembley were in the Basildon box. The lime green-booted Ankram shot straight at the keeper but the ball fell at his feet and one miscued shot past the floored Palmer later, Wembley are back in the game. I’d like to hyphenate some more words here but I’ve run out. Wembley 1 Basildon 2. 38 minutes.

From absolutely nothing, Wembley now had a way back. It’s now Basildon’s turn to get nervy. They don’t need to and Poole sees this, vociferously calling his comrades together. “Do more” is the slightly obvious but economical shout from the Basildon bench. Nervously but with no real scrapes, Basildon made it to half time 2-1 up.

The Vale bar was not as welcoming as on our last visit, it wasn’t open from the pitch so you had to go out of the ground and round the front of the club. We decided against the walk and opted for the perfectly acceptable burger and chips. What is this lunacy, no half time beer? Ah well, £2.25, bargain. Half time was only remarkable for the relentless bothering our burgers received at the wings of wasps and the octagenarian occupants of the food hut diligently but slowly preparing our feast.

Basildon had the best of the first 10 minutes of the second half and effectively killed the game on about 53 minutes. Some nice work down the left was turned dangerous when Robinson picked the ball up just inside the box near the touchline. He flicked the ball across beautifully, just too deep for the keeper to come for it and Richardson was the player gambling and forcing the ball over the line. Wembley 1 Basildon 3.

Wembley’s first real effort to get back in the game took until about 60 minutes and came from a corner. The largely ineffectual Bates for once lost his man at a corner but, despite being well set, fired his header well wide.

A bit of a midfield tussle saw the ref blow the whistle but the action continued. The ref blew again. And again to halt the play. Seeing the players failing to halt, a young lady walking behind us shouted “Didn’t you hear the bell!?” We looked at each other, confused as she added “I mean the whistle”.

After about 67 minutes Wembley decided it was time for subs. Two. Within a minute one of them, Jerome Walker, was booked. With fresh instruction to go “3 up top” Wembley enlivened themselves and it started go from end to end but with no clear chances. Basildon followed suit with their own substitute to combat this and some more handbags ensued between Wembley’s Shelton and Basildon’s Merchant.

The way I’ve described the handbags makes it sound a dirty game but really it wasn’t, it was just eagerly contested by two teams who wanted to win. It was a little niggly but there was little of any malevolence.

One of the more notable fluctuations in play was a nice move down Wembley’s right between Benkalba and Hale but the cross, although good, saw no forwards bursting into the box. There was about 15 minutes to go and Simon noted that it must be pretty depressing to go out of the FA Cup on the 15th August. Fair point.

At the other end Richardson blasted over after being played in and sub Wackett was denied by a last ditch tackle after brilliantly and powerfully beating several defenders. Another Basildon foray into the Wembley box saw Hale slice a clearance for a corner. A very audible “Fuck” from the culpable defender summed up Wembley’s afternoon. They should at least have been a good match for Basildon but they really hadn’t turned up today.

With about 5 minutes to go Wembley threw themselves a very tenuous lifeline. Again from nothing Walker found himself about 25 yards out and rifled a shot far to the keeper’s right. Probably the goal of the game but it was still Wembley 2 Basildon 3.

Wembley now had a fairly unlikely chance of getting something out of the tie. The next 8 or 9 minutes passed with a minor head injury, some time wasting, a Wembley cross and a final rallying cry from Guest for Basildon to see out the remaining time. In the middle of all that several Wembley players emplored the ref to stop the clock for the injury and the manager finally found his voice to try to stir his team into action.

Final score Wembley 2 Basildon 3.
MOM: Paul Richardson – Basildon Utd

So, five goals, a couple of very good ones, a good ref and the right result. The pick of the players were all from Basildon, although Manuva and Walker looked dangerous after they came on for Wembley. Guest and Poole marshalled the side superbly, Robinson gave a lot up front without getting much in return and Bauckman came up with 2 goals. However, the stand out player for us was Paul Richardson, scorer of the 3rd goal. He passed well, made himself available, arrived late in the box from midfield and was involved in a number of Basildon’s best moves.

However, despite the goals and it being a watchable game, it was slightly flat on the touchline. When we came to vale Farm before, it was rocking, today it was quiet. Maybe it was just start of the season blues, maybe people were watching Jeff Stelling. Either way, the FA Cup is underway.

Guesty getting to the ball first

Name: Martyn Guest
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 14st
Previous Clubs: Tilbury, Bowers & Pitsea

Thanks to Martyn for being the first realfacup victim. We were as much interview virgins as, apparently, he was. Anyway, therealfacup could have talked to him for hours but he has a life, even if we don’t.

The confidence that comes with the new, the yet to unfold, can be a very short lived confidence, particularly in football. Going into this season at Basildon United Martyn thinks it could be a good one. After last year’s encouraging mid table finish, “the retention of players and manager mean this could be a good season” for the club. This could be a good cup run too, The Bees have fairly recently beaten their FA Cup opposition convincingly in last year’s FA Vase so they have nothing to fear from their perhaps better known opponents.

Whether he has the fear or not, Martyn says “he always respects the opposition” and his admiration for local rivals Bowers, Tilbury and Tiptree is clear, the latter he rates as his “toughest opponents”. ‘Guesty’ didn’t elaborate on why Tiptree are tough opponents, just that they are a good team. Neither was he specific about which players were toughest, which I’m happy to gloss over in favour of added mystery and we don’t want to give away his secrets. But, he’ll only have to wait until December for that particular tough fixture to come round again.

Job: General Builder
Car: Ford Transit
Nickname: Guesty
Favourite Player: David Beckham

As for the FA Cup, Martyn’s looking forward to it, he’s only played for the jug once before so can’t wait to get into it. Erith Town or Ampthill Town await in the next round and Leighton Town, Langford or Aylesbury in the 1st Qualifying Round but I asked him who he’d most like to get if they get through. Perhaps surprisingly, or maybe realistically, Martyn didn’t get all misty eyed and start dreaming of clashes with the big 4 or his favoured West Ham. Without hesitation, he went for Ryman Premier League side Hornchurch, because “I used to live there, so that would be good”.

Until 15th August, therealfacup will not see Martyn play but he modestly describes himself as “a no nonsense centre back, comfortable on the ball and can play a bit”. We’ll see what his team mates have to say if they read this, particularly Mr Poulter the below mentioned dressing room joker. That said, he tell us this with a matter-of-fact air, with realism and no sense of drama or arrogance. It sits comfortably alongside his Hornchurch wish for the Cup, his assertion that the biggest influences on his career are his friends and the down to earth realism for the season ahead. We’re building up a picture of a very amiable, honest, hard working guy happy with his lot and looking forward to the season.

‘Good effort’ is Martyn’s apt favourite football cliche, effort and application is clearly an important ethic for him and he’s quick to acknowledge the role that manager and fans play in that ethic. At the end of the interview he wanted to “thank the fans and manager for their support and good luck to Football 4 The Community”, the Basildon United community project.

Most Difficult Opponents: Tiptree
Favourite Team: West Ham
Basildon Utd Dressing Room Joker: Stephen Poulter
Pre-Match Meal: Beans On Toast
Favourite TV Show: Friends

Although thanking the fans that do come, I get the impression that Martyn would like the Football 4 The Community project to succeed in bringing more fans into the ground on match days and ramping up the atmosphere, a thought Ipm sure shared by his team mates and Chairman

I asked Martyn if the fans had any songs about him and he was either being coy or the Basildon fans need to sing a bit louder.

Drifting away from the immediate future, I asked Martyn about the gulf between the Essex Senior League and the very top of the pyramid. There was no trace of envy in his response, “I’m not too bothered earning a fortune from the game because I enjoy playing” but he conceded, with a chuckle, that he “wouldn’t turn it down if it came along”. Not in a rush to swap the Transit for a Ferrari in a hurry but Martyn did admit that if a bigger club came in for him he said he’d definitely think about testing himself at a higher level. Martyn’s too modest to say how far up the pyramid he could go but, if you’re reading, Alex Ferguson, he thinks your The Gaffer of gaffers.

Favoutie Pop Star: John Mayer
Favourite Food: Steak
Best Place Visited: Cancun, Mexico
Miscellaneous Likes: Playing Golf
Miscellaneous Dislikes: Stressing About Things

Again, thanks to Martyn for sparing us a few minutes of precious Friday evening time. I don’t think he noticed that I’d been drinking all day at the cricket and was a little worse for wear but, if he did, he didn’t laugh too loud.

Good luck Martyn, Basildon Utd and all teams playing for this year’s Cup

Damon

With thanks to Richard Mann, Andy Everett and the man himself, Guesty.