Assuming there are going to be two teams relegated, which might change depending on FA tinkering elsewhere in the pyramid, there is one place left to be filled and three teams with their spades out trying to fill the hole before they fall into it. At the other end, Dartford’s Darts have already hit bull and Sutton have secured a play off place, while only an unlikely set of results can stop Kingstonian doing the same. But, there are no fewer than five teams fighting for the two remaining places, six if the unlikely set of results occurs. Very unlikely.

So, what’s the deal? Well …

18. Maidstone United P40 – 45 (-19)
19. Ashford Town (Middlesex) P41 – 44 (-14)
20. Margate P41 – 42 (-23)
21. Bognor Regis Town P40 – 41 (-17)
22. Waltham Abbey P41 – 41 (-26)

Waltham Abbey are already down, despite last night’s stirring 4-1 victory over Bognor, which was a shot in the arm for Margate. On Thursday Bognor visit Maidstone and if the home side win then Margate’s destiny is in their own hands. If Bognor win then Maidstone can still go down. Win or lose on Thursday, the problem for Bognor, as well as being owed several hundred quid by Premier Lge money pit, Pompey, is that their final game is against the runaway Champions. The problem for Margate is that they are playing Hastings who, regardless of Thursday’s results at the other end of the table, are still very much in the hunt for a play-off place.

The other team who come into the equation are Ashford Town (Mx). They do have the good fortune to be up against a Harrow Borough team who are effectively on their mid table summer holidays and even if Bognor lose to Maidstone then they are really just an exhibition match point from virtual safety.

At the top the permutations are, frankly, baffling and Thursday’s fixtures might not even give clarity.

1. Dartford P40 – 87 (53)
2. Sutton United P41 – 72 (19)
3. Kingstonian P41 – 67 (4)
4. Boreham Wood P41 – 65 (9)
5. Aveley P40 – 64 (17)
6. Hastings United P41 – 63 (13)
7. Tonbridge Angels P40 – 62 (5)
8. Wealdstone P41 – 62 (2)
9. AFC Hornchurch P41 – 61 (5)

Borehamwood and Aveley are in pole position for the final two spots at the moment but two games on Thursday night could confirm or change that. Aveley are away at Horsham and the Angels away at Wealdstone, the latter game is pretty much make or break for both sides. If Aveley win and Tonbridge and Wealdstone share the spoils then Kingstonian and Aveley are in the pay offs. The final spot then becomes Borehamwood’s to lose and leaves Hastings, Tonbridge and Wealdstone hoping they slip up.

If Aveley draw at Horsham tomorrow night that probably doesn’t change things much but if they lose that will let the winners, if there is a winner, of Wealdstone v Tonbridge through the gate. In that event either one would be a point ahead of Aveley meaning that the final spot would be theirs to lose. If whichever team wins on Thursday night also wins on the final day then there will be nothing Aveley can do about it. If Tonbridge beat Wealdstone on the other hand, Wealdstone are almost out of it because they are 7 goals worse off than Borehamwood and at least 4 worse than Tonbridge, even if the Stones do win their final game.

So, permutations galore but the bottom line is that, on Thursday, there are two MASSIVE RPL games. Only Wealdstone can kiss goodbye to their play-off hopes with defeat and only Aveley can seal theirs with victory but if Aveley and Borehamwood win their remaining games then no one can catch them. Whatever the outcome, the final day of the Ryman Premier League is going to be a corker.

Based purely on our previous enjoyable encounters with clubs in the RPL, we’d like to wish Ashford and Margate good luck in avoiding the dreaded drop. We’d also like to wish Sutton good luck in the play offs and Hastings and Wealdstone good luck in getting into them, although in reality we realise it’s unlikely to be both! But, regardless, who ever gets there, they will have deserved it … just about! Who we’re going to be supporting if they all get there is a different matter. We’ll cross that bridge …

The Real FA Cup Awards 2010.

The Nominations Are: Click Link For All Polls

Best Player:
Sanchez Ming – Dulwich Hamlet
Marcel Jones – Enfield 1893
Ryan Ashe – Wealdstone
Jack King – Farnborough
Danny Forrest – Crawley
Danny Kedwell – AFC Wimbledon
Sam Duncum – Ilkeston

Best Game:
Broxbourne Borough V&E 1 Enfield 1893 4
Ashford Town (Mx) 2 Hendon 2 (9-8 on pens)
Farnborough 2 Hastings 1
Dartford 1 Chelmsford City 4
AFC Wimbledon 2 Crawley Town 1
Wealdstone 2 Rotherham 3

Best Ground: This one is not easy either.
Champion Hill – Dulwich Hamlet
Princes Park – Dartford
Beveree Stadium – Hampton & Richmond Borough

Most Helpful Club:
Wembley
Basildon United
Wealdstone
AFC Wimbledon
Sevenoaks

Team Of The Tournament:
Lowestoft Town
AFC Wimbledon
Tooting & Mitcham United
Aylesbury
Wealdstone
Enfield 1893
Forest Green

Of the three Ryman 1 South sides we’ve come across so far, Horsham YMCA are, unfortunately for them, doing the worst. But only just. They sit just below the Met Police, who we saw in the previous round, and just above the drop zone. I think it’s kindest to say that it has been an unremarkable season for YM so far. Towards the end of November they picked up four points that took them clear of the drop zone and this was largely down to new signing former Italian international Tony Di Bernardo saving three penalties in two games. Before you go searching, the bit about being an international is not true.

East Grinstead were vanquished by YM in the 1st Qualifying Round of the FA Cup, perhaps not unsurprisingly given their presence down the pyramid in Sussex League Division 1. And, like YM, they are just four points above the relegation zone. Symmetry. But it’s been a bizarre season to say the least. Despite having won but five league games, the Wasps have pestered their opponents goal on at least four goals in every single one of those wins! They have also twice racked up a five fer and twice netted a half dozen in winning games. It’s not as if they don’t know where the onion sack is.

Both of the six goal hauls were in the Sussex Senior Cup, including one quite remarkable game at home to Chichester City. Having lost 7-1 at Chichester on the opening day of the season, revenge was in the air. I couldn’t do the game justice so check out the review on the Wasps website, link on links page. The Wasps went behind early, then turned it round to lead 2-1. Chichester then equalised before the Wasps went 3-2 and 4-2 up before being pegged back to 4-3 by half time. In the second half East Grinstead went 5-3 up before Chichester were reduced to ten men and then somehow pulled it back to 5-5. EGT scored the game’s eleventh goal with 15 minutes still to go, the only surprise was that there were no more goals! 6-5 final score!

Another team with little trouble scoring this season are Farnborough, although they also have  considerably fewer problems  winning them than Grinstead. Farnborough top of the Zamaretto Premier with a GD of +26 and 3 games in hand over 2nd place Brackley, of whom they are already five points clear. Four of their forwards are in double figures for the season and they have even managed to rack up a 7 in one game. They haven’t scored as heavily as the Wasps but they have racked up an impressive number of goals in total and have gone about their business of winning games with about a 90% success rate thus far.

Farnborough have been miserly with defeats, they’ve lost just three times this season but twice to teams above them in the pyramid. Salisbury beat them in the FA Cup and Newport in the FA Trophy. However, home defeat to Nuneaton just a couple of weeks ago might have put some cats among a few pigeons. Although 8 points behind, Nuneaton lie 4th and have games in hand on the two teams between them and the leaders. So, they are ‘Boro’s most likely challengers for top spot. Farnborough are, however, a team who want to go places. A big new stand nearly finished, goal celebration music, an electronic scoreboard and a very much bigger time attitude. I think they might appreciate the Daimler.

Hastings gave Farnborough a very real run for their money. This shouldn’t be such a surprise because, although they had started the season indifferently they had won four on the spin before the tie. They are currently 2nd in the Ryman Premier League but they have played more gamed than those below them. In fact if the five teams below them win their many games in hand, the Arrows would slip to 7th. Unlikely though that is they are all miles behind Dartford who have won 14 of 17 games, losing just once.

Right, I’m off to stop someone doing something they’ll regret and then blame me for at a later date.

Next time … Wingate & Finchley, Aylesbury FC, Hampton & Richmond Borough and Braintree.

Farnborough FC .v. Hastings Utd

Rising from the ashes of the liquidated Farnborough Town, Farnborough FC took their place several levels lower than the Conference from which they were expunged.

They’ve already made one step back up but three promotions separate this ambitious club from the league. And three lanes of traffic separated us from our beer in the weird pub on the roundabout. It’s hot, damn hot, and it’s a great day to watch FA Cup football, the kind of weather TV execs hope for at the final.

Farnborough top the Zamaretto league with free-scoring former Ipswich striker-cum-winger Dean McDonald. Hastings lie 4th at the same level in the Ryman Premier with former Brighton player Scott Ramsay. Both have the goal of joining the Conference South.

Farnborough took to the pitch in gleaming yellow Lotto kit, the dugout staff resplendent in monogrammed tops calmly perusing the lush pitch. Hastings’ appeared in what looked like a three year old Burnley kit and their two touchline generals snarled purposefully with shaven heads and mismatched kit at any official in ear shot.

In distinct contrast to our assumptions Farnborough started pragmatically and Hastings played some tidy attacking football. Liam Upton forced Barnard in the ‘Boro goal into making the game’s first fingertip save.

From about then until half time, the referee, a Mr Georgiou of ‘London’ (below), tried his very best to antagonise players, fans and management from both sides. He essentially ruined what could have been an entertaining half. Such was his fuckwittery that the degree with which both sides greeted his ludicrous decisions descended gradually from disbelief, plummeted through frustration and smashed headfirst into anger.

This did, however, bring out the best in both sets of fans. Hastings had brought some drums, Farnborough some lungs. The repertoire was purely mainstream, “Carefreeeee, wherever we may be …”, “Yellows, Yellows” and the drummed Bang, Bang, BangBangBang, BangBangBangBang “HASTINGS”, but it was lively, passionate and more noise than we’d heard so far this season.

Farnborough gradually played more football, the powerful midfield taking back some control. Hastings continued fluently and with purpose but retreated into counter attack, albeit with some menace. There was a hopeful penalty appeal for Farnborough, a Hastings player got the ‘Cheat, Cheat, Cheat’ treatment for receiving treatment, McDonald twisted and tricked and there were one or two flowing moves from both sides.

McDonald, Ibe and Holloway combined in one move on the edge of Hastings’ box and each could have shot before one of them finally curled a shot past the post and into the impressive looking stand/building site behind the goal.

The whistler kept on whistling and, after about half an hour, there was a flurry of bookings. This was the spark that ignited a small scale scuffle about five minutes later. Five further minutes and the embers were well alight. All hell broke loose and 20 players shoved each other about for a minute or so. Although you shouldn’t absolve players of blame, the ref basically created the fire and then spent 40 minutes fanning the flames.

The best move of the game brought the half to a close. Hastings exchanged passes down the left side, more passes saw them drift across the edge of the box. Yet more passes switched the ball to the right and deeper to the right back Elliot. A change of pace saw the ball played forward and a tidy turn by Sam Adams created space for a reasonable shot that faded narrowly past the post.

HT – Farnborough 0 Hastings 0

All that was missing from the game was a sending off and a goal. We asked a steward if there was some history between the teams or whether the ref was just useless. “No history, the refs a fucking idiot” was the not unreasonable but terse riposte. We discover that the Farnborough bar, ‘The Dugout’, hosts regular tribute bands, coming soon a UB40 tribute that appears to be fronted by Heston Blumenthal. Should have taken pictures.

The clock resumed at 45minutes, shortly after £2 was exchanged for a thick ‘Fat Boy’ ice cream which was, apparently, shat into the cone by a loose bowelled machine and an apologetic vendor. 6 minutes later, McDonald jinked around on the edge of the box and was tackled. The ball fell loose to a loitering Jack King who smashed a rocket past a bewildered keeper. They embraced, beautifully, below.

Farnborough 1 Hastings 0

The niggles had settled down and the ref had been replaced with an identical yet competent one. Farnborough had also upped the ante and were bossing it. On 62 minutes Bubb drifted past several defenders towards the byline and slipped a shot across the keeper into the corner. The ice cream presses on.

Farnborough 2 Hastings 0

Goal celebration music: Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock ‘It Takes 2′ (get it, you see what they did there?). What next? 3 Is The Magic Number? Tsk. After this cool but out of place celebration music faded out the Farnborough fans moved on to “Are you watching Arse N All”, recalling their 2003 FA Cup match against the Gooners. Still the ice cream lingers.

Amid the celebrations Hastings went right up the other end and promptly had a goal disallowed for offside. 67 minutes. Ice cream completed, steady handed photos resume. 22 minutes to eat the biggest ice cream ever. Farnborough fans were now giving Nessling’s goal kicks the “aaaaaaahhhs” as he ran up to take them.

The next Hastings break brought about what was either a beautifully floated and judged shot or a mishit cross, difficult to tell from where we were. Either way it sailed into the top corner and Hastings were back in it. 18 minutes left.

Farnborough 2 Hastings 1

In the last 10 minutes Farnborough had two great chances to wrap it up but a heroic tackle on the penalty spot halted sub Thomas and Bubb hogged when a pass would have found Thomas unmarked

The game closed with Farnborough’s slightly unhinged McMahon shepherding the ball up the touchline to run down the clock. He looked around for a ‘man-on’ call, didn’t get it so loosened his control. A Hastings player nipped in and robbed him. With eyes red and mouth frothing McMahon rounded on his nearest team mate and shouted “You Fucking Cunt” for not giving him the call. A great way to end the game.

FT – Farnborough 2 Hastings 1

In some ways you have to admire the rebuilding of Farnborough. The tidy ground, professional staff, big fit players and new stand show intent to get back to the Conference. But at the same time, the revolving ad boards, ‘naming rights’ plea for the stand, glossy programme and goal celebration music exudes a sterile whiff of the big leagues and a pong of homogeny. The magic of the cup was definitely at Farnborough today but it was tinged with the aspirational anti-football that has tainted the game. And now it’s late and I’ve had far too much to drink.

Dubble Bubble. Details upon application.

Reportz 2 follow

On the upside, therealfacup makes The Guardian’s ‘Our Favourite Things This Week’!

Woop Woop!