Of the three Ryman 1 South sides we’ve come across so far, Horsham YMCA are, unfortunately for them, doing the worst. But only just. They sit just below the Met Police, who we saw in the previous round, and just above the drop zone. I think it’s kindest to say that it has been an unremarkable season for YM so far. Towards the end of November they picked up four points that took them clear of the drop zone and this was largely down to new signing former Italian international Tony Di Bernardo saving three penalties in two games. Before you go searching, the bit about being an international is not true.

East Grinstead were vanquished by YM in the 1st Qualifying Round of the FA Cup, perhaps not unsurprisingly given their presence down the pyramid in Sussex League Division 1. And, like YM, they are just four points above the relegation zone. Symmetry. But it’s been a bizarre season to say the least. Despite having won but five league games, the Wasps have pestered their opponents goal on at least four goals in every single one of those wins! They have also twice racked up a five fer and twice netted a half dozen in winning games. It’s not as if they don’t know where the onion sack is.

Both of the six goal hauls were in the Sussex Senior Cup, including one quite remarkable game at home to Chichester City. Having lost 7-1 at Chichester on the opening day of the season, revenge was in the air. I couldn’t do the game justice so check out the review on the Wasps website, link on links page. The Wasps went behind early, then turned it round to lead 2-1. Chichester then equalised before the Wasps went 3-2 and 4-2 up before being pegged back to 4-3 by half time. In the second half East Grinstead went 5-3 up before Chichester were reduced to ten men and then somehow pulled it back to 5-5. EGT scored the game’s eleventh goal with 15 minutes still to go, the only surprise was that there were no more goals! 6-5 final score!

Another team with little trouble scoring this season are Farnborough, although they also have  considerably fewer problems  winning them than Grinstead. Farnborough top of the Zamaretto Premier with a GD of +26 and 3 games in hand over 2nd place Brackley, of whom they are already five points clear. Four of their forwards are in double figures for the season and they have even managed to rack up a 7 in one game. They haven’t scored as heavily as the Wasps but they have racked up an impressive number of goals in total and have gone about their business of winning games with about a 90% success rate thus far.

Farnborough have been miserly with defeats, they’ve lost just three times this season but twice to teams above them in the pyramid. Salisbury beat them in the FA Cup and Newport in the FA Trophy. However, home defeat to Nuneaton just a couple of weeks ago might have put some cats among a few pigeons. Although 8 points behind, Nuneaton lie 4th and have games in hand on the two teams between them and the leaders. So, they are ‘Boro’s most likely challengers for top spot. Farnborough are, however, a team who want to go places. A big new stand nearly finished, goal celebration music, an electronic scoreboard and a very much bigger time attitude. I think they might appreciate the Daimler.

Hastings gave Farnborough a very real run for their money. This shouldn’t be such a surprise because, although they had started the season indifferently they had won four on the spin before the tie. They are currently 2nd in the Ryman Premier League but they have played more gamed than those below them. In fact if the five teams below them win their many games in hand, the Arrows would slip to 7th. Unlikely though that is they are all miles behind Dartford who have won 14 of 17 games, losing just once.

Right, I’m off to stop someone doing something they’ll regret and then blame me for at a later date.

Next time … Wingate & Finchley, Aylesbury FC, Hampton & Richmond Borough and Braintree.

Having managed to rid myself of the loudest, most talkative German tourist I have ever encountered by willing him to leave the train at Gatwick Airport I arrived in sunny Horsham with just enough time for a quick libation in the local hostelry, The Bedfont, before heading slightly out of town to the well-hidden Gorings Mead – the home of ‘YM’ as they like to call themselves for the 1st Qualifying Round of the FA Cup. Horsham YMCA of the Ryman League Division 1 South take on East Grinstead Town of the division below, the Sussex County Football League.

Both teams were recently promoted into their current divisions – YM as a result of an invitation to join the Ryman League and The Wasps as a result of romping to the Division 2 title last season by a mammoth 18 points. However, the lofty levels to which the 2 clubs have risen has given them both some football vertigo and they have only managed a measly 8 points between them this season in a combined total of 12 games so the Cup was a welcome relief for both sides. Or it should have been.

The game started slowly with neither side really creating a chance worthy of the name in the whole of the 1st half. Lots of midfield scrapping but little end product saw the half come and go with no-one having registered on the score sheet – not even nearly. On the way into the club house at half time, I was told that the best action I was likely to get for my camera would be in the showers after the game and not on the field of play by one of the fans. I’m not entirely sure what was meant by this – was Horsham YMCA a secret cover for some massive swingers club? I chuckled and walked off into the bar assuming that the suggestion was solely a reference to the poor quality of the first half.

I had travelled to the game on my own but was to meet some friends at the ground – however, they’d only managed to arrive a mere 5 minutes before half time which may have been a blessing in disguise for them really. The female of the pair was tasked with writing notes on the game to assist me with the report you find yourself reading right now. However, she is not exactly known for her football knowledge so the details of the second half of this most ordinary of FA Cup occasions are sketchy at best.

The game itself was won by a freak goal 10 minutes into the second period when a throw-in from the left hand side was headed weakly towards the Wasps goal by the YM number 8, Mike Huckett (recorded by my faithful scribe as number 11, despite having been told the scorer’s number by one of the YM substitutes warming up in front of us at the time). The ball looped up tamely towards the top left hand corner of Ray Collier’s so-far untroubled goal but he failed miserably to keep it out and it bounced in to the Wasps net after hitting both the corner of post and crossbar and the unfortunate goalkeeper’s body. 1-0 to YM and that, as it turned out, was to be the final score.

The detailed notes provided by my eager helper inform me that, in the minutes that followed, the no.11 “hit the post with a ball” which seems the most likely object to have hit the post during such an event as this but I suppose you can never be too clear about these things.

The game was still meandering aimlessly and, with Horsham seemingly uninterested or unable to put the game to bed and secure their passage into the next round, East Grinstead decided to push for an equaliser. Some sustained pressure was applied to the YM goal leading Mark Pulling in the Horsham defence to yell “What the f**k is going on?” to his team mates after a particularly close call from a corner. Another effort was spectacularly tipped over the bar by Tom Rand in the Horsham goal. The best chance fell to substitute Aaron Macmillan who witnessed the ball land at his feet 10 yards out only to blast it way over the bar and into the nearest Horsham resident’s garden.

In the end, despite their best efforts, East Grinstead couldn’t finish any of their chances and the game petered out with a 1-0 win for Horsham.

I suppose that one can never expect a pulsating encounter in a Cup game between two teams who are both suffering the trauma of recent promotion followed by the realisation of their shortcomings in the higher league but this was a poor example of FA Cup football. Some neat play in midfield was never given the final ball it deserved and precious few chances came about at either end so 1-0 from a bizarre goal seems like the most appropriate outcome. I can’t see YM troubling any of the bigger boys in the competition this year but you never know.

Dubble Bubble. Details upon application.

Reportz 2 follow

On the upside, therealfacup makes The Guardian’s ‘Our Favourite Things This Week’!

Woop Woop!