This catch up is for teams we watched in the Preliminary Round.  Chertsey, the Met Police, Sevenoaks and our local boys Dulwich Hamlet. Hamlet and the Fuzz were victorious in these games but neither went much further, both losing narrowly away to meagre opposition and neither getting far in the FA Trophy. Chertsey, on the other hand are in with a very good chance of getting a long way in the FA Vase.

Despite Chertsey’s good run and the fact we’re feeling dead Christmassy now, part two of our half term report continues with shuddering recollections of the stultifying tedium of the first ever Friday night game at Alwyns Lane. Sampled by just one regular realfacupster, Chertsey .v. The Rozzers of the Met bore all the hallmarks of classic lower league fayre. The game time changed, not on police advice but with police acceptance.  You couldn’t go much further up the pyramid and still find a game moved because one of the players was getting married on the Saturday, that stuff waits until the end of the season.  The game was, however, dire.

Chertsey though are full of Christmas cheer too now. Into the 4th round of the FA Vase, 3rd in the Combined Counties Premier League where the Curfews have lost just once at home and are on a run of 8 wins in 11. The Met, meanwhile, find themselves a bit more cheerless. They usually find themselves at the higher end of mid table in Ryman 1 South but this season they find themselves in the lower half having won just 2 of their last 10 games. One of their main problems of late has been scoring.  The talismanic Frankie Sawyer is still top scorer having rattled in 5 league goals from just 7 starts and 3 late surges from the bench during the early season.  However, Frankie left the club some months ago and they’ve struggled to score since.

The Met’s loss has been Dulwich Hamlet’s gain, although in terms of goals only very recently.  Sawyer left the Met to head up Champion Hill, where he has taken time to settle but has now got his first goals. Like the fuzz, Hamlet have a tendency to be at the business end of Ryman 1 South’s mid-table-ness but find themselves a little off the pace after an up and down first half to the season.

A few points above the Met, Gavin Rose’s new young team had a run of five successive draws in October that showed they were becoming difficult to beat but their 3 wins and 3 defeats since then suggest they haven’t quite got the hang of both preventing goals and scoring themselves in the same game. However, the high point so far is that two of those three wins have been in the last two weeks and Sawyer has started scoring.

The low point came in early November in the London Senior Cup when, at home to South Kilburn of the Hellenic League some 4 levels lower down the pyramid, Hamlet contrived to lose 2-1 in a game some at the club were calling their worst result ever.   Since though they have now finally won at home, which they hadn’t yet done this season and Rose is now talking of a promotion push. It’s a long shot because they are probably going to have to win 18 of their remaining 22 games to stand a chance.

Finally, we visited Sevenoaks’ quirky ground on the first chilly night of the year. We say chilly but the kind of chilly that requires a hoody, not the kind of chilly that currently grips the nation in it’s icy fist.  Sevenoaks lie 3^rd in the Bulmers Cider Kent League Premier Division but way off runaway leaders Faversham.  With the league position and Billy Shinners rattling in the goals at a heavy rate, it’s surprising that a town the size of Sevenoaks is attracting an average of just 64 paying fans per league game. That’s probably about a third of Hamlet’s who have far more competition for fans’ hard earned.

If you’re a fan of any of these teams and we’ve missed some notable yarns from the seasons, stick them in the commenst below or mail us. Next time, the first qualifying round.

We journey from Champion Hill to the replay at Greatness Park, disgorging from public transport amid the teenage flotsam and jetsam that litter suburban London like feral Reebok shop dummies. Jumpers for goalposts, men in bushes, Jolley’s fish and chips, dog shit and a ball in the face.

“Next station is Bat & Ball” says electro train lady. Good name. Fish supper wolfed down in the early evening sunshine where t-shirts dare. Not for long though, brrr … Autumn officially arrives on this windswept piece of public land at some point in the first half.

Now … you are the owner of a football club and in order to survive you need to generate some wedge by getting people to pay money to watch your ‘product’. Do you build an 8ft high fence around your pitch to enclose said product? Yes, good start. Do you make that fence see through? No. Doh! Do you then have a 15ft high skate park next to the fence so that people can stand on it and watch the game without paying? No! Doh! Do you build your fence next to a 30ft high hill so people can stand on the hill and watch the game without going in the ground? No! Doh.

We’re not criticising, we know Sevenoaks are aware of and can do little about this scenario – but it is worth noting from an outsiders point of view that this isn’t the ideal state of affairs at a club which is, after all, in quite a large London suburb. Basically, you don’t have to pay to watch Sevenoaks. We did, it was £6, and about 100 others also took the charitable route. But about 30 chose the cheap option and, frankly, we all got our money’s worth.

The parky was called to remove some dog turd from the centre spot and off they went. It was very even, each side had periods of dominance, each had good chances to take the lead and both defences just about repelled. The Sevenoaks keeper, Funnel, made a good save from a corner and at the other end a penalty was for handball was rejected. Dulwich’s Thorp made a tidy save from Shinners in a one-on-one and tipped over a goal-bound header from Demaertalaere. A sweet backheel, a gallic shrug and a very good run from Sanchez Ming (below) took us up to the half hour.

The first of the quartet of cupsters (me) touched the ball with a text book trap. The Sevenoaks right back Tony Webb fared less well and made his first error of an unfortunate night by bundling Ming off the ball and moaned about the resultant free kick. The ref said, with a hint of sarcasm “well you’ve got to play the ball, not the man”. Sevenoaks no16 then headed an easy chance embarrassingly over.

Both sides passed it around neatly and applied pressure without wasteful Hollywood balls. Just before half time Sevenoaks faded shot across goal from the left after the no9 had beaten the Dulwich right back. That narrowly missed the post, as did an off target turn and shot after good work from the no9 who carried the ball across the 18 yard line before slipping it inside.

With seconds left on the clock, Webb (right) unnecessarily removed the standing leg of Stefan Cox. His team mates made him well aware of his error. From the touchline free kick Gonella floated the ball into the mixer and it dropped behind Obamwonyi on the 6 yard box, who turned and shot low past the keeper.

Sevenoaks Town 0 Dulwich Hamlet 1

A barely deserved lead, not because Dulwich were bad but because it was so unfeasibly even. Both sides had played decent football and created chances. The teams trooped off to their portacabin dressing rooms, the infirm retired to the tea cabin and a dozen menfolk traipsed the 100m or so out of the ground and across the park to the clubhouse for a swift pint and a glance at the trophy cabinet.

The second half started with a kamikaze Dulwich backpass that the Sevenoaks no12 should really have tucked away. He didn’t and that was perhaps the end of the match because Dulwich upped the ante and dominated for most of the half.

In the 50th minute a 50/50 ball on the touchline in front of me caused me to take a cautionary step back, being 3 yards from the touchline leaning on the barrier. The middle aged man next to me took a more relaxed view and took the full force of the deflected tackle in the face. THWACK! The Sevenoaks physio attended but he had no spray for a bruised ego.

It was getting nippy. Woohoo, number 2! Not a goal, Cupster no2, Andy, touches the ball back to the Sevenoaks keeper, Funnel. We were now lurking behind the Sevenoaks goal, it was getting a lot of attention (below). Funnel was busy, he tipped away a shot from Ming, Sevenoaks 6 put in a great ackle on the penalty spot, one of sseveral lat ditch tackles that stemmed the constant Dulwich pressure. Cupster 3, Matt, returns the ball to Funnel after another narrow squeak.

After a brief bit of Sevenoaks adventure, Dulwich broke down their left and a cross floated into the six yard box but dropped behind the right back. Webb tried to get underneath it and clear but only managed to blast it across the face of goal where the grateful Dulwich no20 stood still as the ball rocketed towards and back off his chest and into the goal.

Sevenoaks Town 0 Dulwich Hamlet 2

When the celebrations subsided (left), the game was over. Or was it? Sevenoaks had shown few signs of being able to muster a significant chance in the second half but suddenly countered and scored. Offside. The lack of appeal confirned it. That really was game over.

In the last 10mins possession was fairly even but Dulwich kept Sevenoaks at bay fairly comfortably. Over the two games Sevenoaks gave a very good account of themselves but the higher level team won through with some pretty attractive football.

Full Time

Sevenoaks Town 0 Dulwich Hamlet 2

MOM: Sean Funnel – Sevenoaks

We had to run for the train – and we had to ask the driver where the train was going. Just like the old days at Bat & Ball.

FA Cup weekend comes around again and, again, Chelsea are on the telly. Yawn. Michael Ballack is, predictably, acting like a petulant child so, before the main course of reality with chips, we have a prawn cocktail of everything that’s wrong with football.

The big news story of the day is that therealfacup posse for this game numbers 6 (Six)! We’re growing, people! Literally. We cultivated them in a small lock up in Peckham and, with eyelids clamped open, forced them to watch Ronny Radford’s thunderbolt en loop until they were ready for release.

The topics of pre-match conversation were based around reinvigorating football. ‘Let’s pump more money into football’ was a good one and ‘manager rotation’ the best. The latter prompted by Norwich firing their Gunn (well, everyone else has done it, why can’t we?) after one game and replacing him with the manager of the team that got him sacked. The proposition here is that every thrashed team assumes the manager that has just beaten them. Based on recent results Burnley’s manager would now be Carlo Ancelotti and Paul Lambert would actually now be back at Wycombe, having hammered them in his first proper game as Norwich manager. This could work.

After a livener or two, the 6 Cuppers (hmm … sounds faintly erotic, might have to avoid using that again) descended on Champion Hill for 10 minutes of hoofball before Hamlet settled down and started smoking the Sevenoaks back line.

Between 10 and 15 minutes Stefan Cox had the Sevenoaks right back lost in the woods several times, each time bamboozling him with stupidly quick feet before rattling off a diverse selection of non-scoring shots. He then switched sides, against the very vocal wishes of his manager, and gave the left back a roasting. In between, the HUGE Ryan James shot from just inside the box, ricocheting for a corner.

Sevenoaks touched the ball literally several times in the next 15 minutes but only to courteously return it to Dulwich. Dulwich’s Cox and Sanchez Ming were running riot down the flanks and Junior Kadi (above) was spraying balls across the pitch. James and Luke Hickie were moving around across the defence causing discomfort. Cox went past the fullback again like Usain Bolt with a great first touch and curled a stanshion-bound shot that the keeper flicked round the post. Five minutes later Ming tried the same trick from the same spot but further from the keeper, who could only help it into the top corner. At last!!

Dulwich Hamlet 1 Sevenoaks Town 0

It would be kind to say the goal braced a limp Sevenoaks display but in reality Dulwich eased off, thinking it was only a matter of time before they got a second. Sevenoaks’ Joe Minter received the ball wide left and bore down on a retreating Hamlet right back before unleashing a dipping drive that deceived keeper Kieran Thorp and crashed back off the bar. And what a beautiful, resonant twang that bar gave in return. A great noise, almost better than scoring, the kind of quality noise you don’t really hear on the telly. The defence stopped to soak up the aural beauty while an onrushing forward tamely dabbed the rebound past the post.

Half Time

Dulwich Hamlet 1 Sevenoaks Town 0

A Sevenoaks fan in the bar tried to provoke a response from the home fans by enquiring what on earth they did when Cox (above, shooting) wasn’t playing. It was a fair point, he was the standout attacking God although Kadi, Ming, James and Hickey were also princely instruments of most of Hamlet’s good stuff. Dulwich should have scored more.

The first 30 minutes of the second half were more even than the first, although with Dulwich still fashioning the genuine chances. James forced a good save from Funnel (below), heading on a pin point cross, then got a shot off after turning his centre back on the edge of the box. Ming tried to put the ‘Oaks to the sword by emulating his goal but the keeper didn’t fall for it this time.

For 2 or 3 minutes the Dulwich bench in front of us was amusingly preoccupied with a wasp that would not leave their clear plastic shelter. From the other side of the pitch the hand-wavery would have looked like some elaborate tactical communique with the players. Perhaps they were reminding them that this time last year Dulwich outfoxed Broxbourne and succumbed to a sloppy late equaliser.

The semafore went unheeded or misunderstood and just seconds later some, good ‘Oaks pressure, keystone-cop defending and a goalmouth scramble produced an equaliser but the lino ruled it out. This really should have focused the Dulwich minds, instead they chose to pull up a deckchair and sit back in the sunshine to wait for the end of the game. Two minutes later Joe Creasey ruined summer when he stung a shot across Thorp like a big ruinous wasp and Sevenoaks were level (below).

Dulwich Hamlet 1 Sevenoaks Town 1

The next time Sevenoaks got forward a voice from the crowd wearily shouted “We could be winning now, lino”. All of a sudden Sevenoaks looked like a football team. Creasey chipped Thorp who was not only quite short but at times kamikaze with his positioning. He just got back in time on this occasion. A Sevenoaks’ sub had a torpedo blown out of the water and then blazed over when well placed but that was it. Replay required.

Full Time

Dulwich Hamlet 1 Sevenoaks Town 1

MOM: Stefan Cox Of Dulwich

That was a decent game after an inauspicious start. Post match entertainment was table football, girls vanquished by boys and then the unlikely partnership of Ipswich & Norwich played out a stalemate with Sheffield Wednesday and the US national side. Good stuff. More pictures to follow … and thanks to our largest band of followers yet.

Damon.

oaks

Hamlet

Directions to Champion Hill are simple and require little effort, take the train to East Dulwich from London Bridge. Trains depart every 15mins and it takes a mere 12 to get there. You’ll see the ground from the platform but if not, turn left out of the station and walk up the road towards Sainsbury’s. You should see the floodlights from the road so head across the small park or into Sainsbury’s main entrance. The entrance to teh ground is next to the carwash. The Vale pub is more or less opposite the station and shows football galore.

In the course of the next few days we’ll hopefully have some interviews from each side, a preview of the round and details for the day. If you want to join us, drop us a line, but we’ll almost certainly be pre-match-ing at The Vale in East Dulwich.

therealfacup

Now it’s getting serious, this was probably the biggest crowd we’d seen at Dulwich but even then the Dulwich fans generated precious little noise or atmosphere.  As with most league games the away fans do still tend to be the most fanatic and noisy. Hendon’s fans were no exception and they bought World Cup semi-finalist and Ipswich Town cult figure Bontcho Guentchev!

Well, we think they did, we were fairly battered by halftime and it was such a brilliant sunny day leaning up against the wall behind the goal that we (well, I mean, I) completely forgot about him.

This game was the proverbial game-of-two-halves, the first a turgid affair only enlivened by a well volleyed Hendon goal and Dulwich being reduced to 10 men thanks apparently to a brutal hack that we didn’t really get a good view of.  The second half, however, was excellent and entertaining.  Dulwich, a man down and looking like it, conceded a second goal only a few minutes in but it was disallowed for an earlier foul. This seemed to drag Dulwich’s bloody carcass off the canvas, they enjoyed relentless possession for about 20 minutes and scored twice to take a previously unlikely 2-1 lead.  The second goal was hilarious, during a melee a Hendon defender accidentally headed back towards his own goal and the keeper tipped it on to the bar, below which stood a forward.  The game then went end to end for ten minutes before Dulwich made the classic error of sitting back and trying to hold on to their lead, which they classically failed to do. Well worth eight quid.

Hendon 2 Dulwich Hamlet 1
Attendance 139
Price £9

The only thing of note Simon mentioned about this game was the Marcus Stewart-esque spectacle of Dulwich’s star striker Laurent Hamici wearing gloves. It was 1st October and I challenge anyone to find an earlier example of wussery this season.

After the relative luxury of Dulwich’s newish main stand, bar and appropriate seating, Oxhey’s ground was back to basics, understandably as they’ve only existed for about 25 years and have risen commendably through the real basement of football’s pyramid. The ground has two or three small sheds with some seats inside, I say ‘some’ because, like the teeth, many of them were missing.

This was a good game mind, not quite as one sided as the score would suggest even though Oxhey’s only goal was another embarrassing Dulwich cock up. Dulwich’s 3rd goal was the pick, a brilliant crossfield ball to the edge of the Oxhey box was headed deftly back across goal to the feet of a forward who took a touch and rifled it into the corner. It was a really engaging and competent game and we were so close to the pitch we could hear everything. Of course, all you non-league fans know this but for us fans of bigger clubs this is a welcome novelty. The highlight of the game was after an exchange between the ref and the Oxhey captain. As the captain walked away from his talking to, no cards issued, one of his teammates asked him what was said. “The refs a fucking idiot” came the reply. Back out came the whistle, swiftly followed by a yellow card. Magic.

First up, the mighty Dulwich Hamlet. The Hamlet have reached what the non-league sides call ‘The Propers’, the Cup’s mid-stage dreamland when the league teams come in, more than a dozen times so the romance potential here was high.

Broxbourne, to me, was just some commuter destination out of Liverpool Street and after this tie was likely to return to the ‘burbs with their tails between their legs. Before this game someone had died and there was the traditional minute’s silence. Unfortunately, no one had informed the bar manager and as the ref started the silence the bar was still blasting out Fatboy Slim. I don’t remember a great deal about this game except that Dulwich played them off the park and wasted chance after chance. Then, as is so often the case in such situations, they shot themselves in the foot. A comedic defensive cock up with 2 minutes left let Broxbourne in for an undeserved draw. Not much romance here, a lower league team getting an unlikely draw was good but the crowd were fewer and quieter than I’d seen here before.

Broxbourne 1 Dulwich Hamlet 2
Attendance 96
Price £6

Less a ground, more a field. As a game, this panned out much the same as the first, consistent Dulwich pressure with chances going begging. However, inside quarter of an hour it really kicked off. A Brox defender scythed down a Dulwich player, a scuffle ensued and both got their marching orders. Then, with 9 minutes left, dejavu. 1-1. Dulwich did snatch a late win but, despite doing so, their keeper bizarrely tried to assault the ref and got sent off – then the manager came close to doing the same. Dulwich had won and still they were angry. No one likes to see this sort of thing at football, heh, yeah right. The FA Cup was here and it meant something.