Until a fortnight ago, Dulwich had scored in every one of their home league games this season.

Until Saturday, Dulwich had not been beaten at home in the league.

In an effort to increase the quality of the photographs available on this website and to try and avoid too many entries on Crap Photos of Non-League, my other half bought me a better camera for Christmas. In all the years of doing this blog, I’m yet to get a passable photo of a goal actually happening so my hopes were high as I trundled along to Champion Hill to see them take on fellow high-fliers Bognor in a top-of-the-table Super Saturday clash earlier this month. The game finished 0-0.

It was the first time Dulwich had played out a 0-0 draw at home for around 3 years so you’ll forgive me for feeling at least a little responsible.

I’m not a man of superstition though (I am) so there’s no way they’d fail to score two games in a row, especially when faced with mid-table mediocrity in the form of Godalming Town.

2.45pm. That was the time at which I left my house to get to the game. I love non league football.

Initial signs were good – Dulwich were playing their usual brand of free-flowing, passing football and chances were coming at nice, neat, regular intervals. New camera at the ready, it was surely only a matter of time? The Godalming goalkeeper had other ideas though. None shall pass.

At half time, I devoured Bovril. I love Bovril. I also moved to the other end of the ground and decided to take up a position in the stands for a bit of elevation on the shot of the eventual goal for the home side. Dulwich had other ideas.

Midway through the second half, Godalming broke away and scored. I missed it. I was at the other end.

Dulwich had no other ideas. They’d tried everything. Oh, there was huffing. There was even a bit of puffing. But houses were not in the mood for being blown down. And they lost. 0-1.

It can’t be me, can it? It can’t be.

I’ll be back.

Never, ever, in the time we’ve been doing this has there been a game where we didn’t have a beer before the game. There’s not been many where we haven’t had a beer at half time. There have been fairly few where we’ve not had a post-matcher.  Today we managed to fail all three. A new record.

I’ve never had shaking hands after a heavy night before, that is not a good sign, is it?  Simon was out all night dancing to young people’s music.  As a result … well, that didn’t go too well, did it?  The team that got us into all this got humped. Still can’t make up my mind if the scoreline was flattering, about right, or wildly conservative. In truth Sutton had a lot of chances, however, Dulwich also had some decent spells but lacked a quality final ball.

To be brutally honest, I could barely remember who I was … look at Simon’s photos instead.

My prediction of “Dulwich to get to 1st Round proper and facing AFC Wimbledon. Loss.” is still on thanks to a 2-0 win over Eastbourne Town and 4-0 bashing of Horley. But, with an away game at Blue Square Bet South high flyers, Sutton United, on Saturday, this prediction maynot last much longer. We shall see.

Jamie Cutteridge didn’t fare quite so well, his prediction of  ”@therealfacup Ks will get to the first round without winning a game” proved only half right as K’s indeed failed to win a game. Their opponents, Poole, then failed to get disaqualified from the competition on account of not having done anything wrong. One down.

Caroline at the Non League Show – “@therealfacup asking what round your team will finish in this year.. I’m going Chelmsford to second round!” They’ve only just joined in of course and a home tie against fellow Blue Square Bet South side Tonbridge Angels won’t be a given, especially as Chelmsford have steadfastly refused to win a home game this season.  Still not sure whether Caroline meant 2nd Round Proper or 2nd Qualifying Round though?

The second prediction to fall by the way side is from Romford Reject “@therealfacup Romford to reach 1st Round where they narrowly lose to Luton”. *Ahem* Southend Manor 4-2 Romford.  Goodbye.

Martin Jobling‘s prediction is still on ”@therealfacup At least 2 Northern League clubs to knock out Evo-Stik teams. #FACup2011predictions“.  Dunston UTS disposed of Durham City 4-0 in the last round while Whitley Bay narrowly lost to Kendal, 1-0. Spennymoor look to beat Ashton Utd to give Martin his win while Ashington and Bedlington Terriers are still in the tournament to keep the prediction alive.

Secret Dolphin “@therealfacup @nonleagueshow ever the optimist, Poole Town to go one better than last year, 1st Round Proper.”  Well, it’s not over yet …

Just ask Bognor.

2 points clear at the top and preparing for Ryman Premier League status going into the last game of the season, they contrived to draw 1-1 away at Chatham Town, allowing the Met Police to steal (ahem) the only automatic promotion spot by a single goal on goal difference. Three days later, the West Sussex side were unceremoniously dumped out of the play offs in the semi final by Dulwich Hamlet – a team that finished an incredible 31 points behind them.

But then again, just ask Dulwich.

When we visited Champion Hill back in early April, the motivation was a chance to enjoy some football in the sun rather than an opportunity to view prospective promotion candidates. They were sitting mid table as usual, apparently too far from the play-off spots to care about a 2-1 home reverse against Worthing. But a spectacular collapse by those above, a few wins on the trot and a neat 2-0 away victory at Walton & Hersham on the last day enabled Hamlet to light up (bear with me, the puns may well remain at this tortured level for some time) their fans’ season and earned them a spot in the play-offs. The aforementioned victory over those with the crushed spirits on the South coast offered a one-off chance for promotion which could never have seemed possible a few weeks ago.

We do try to maintain some level of journalistic even-handedness at the games we attend. But the Hamlet are our local side and for once, I think we can be forgiven for siding with those in pink and blue.

There are those (us included, at times) who think that the play-offs are not a fair way to decide who is promoted after a season of effort but few can deny the regularity with which they provide genuine drama and excitement for both the die-hard fans and the neutral alike. Today was to be no exception.

A visit to what was billed as “the best pub in Leatherhead” left me wondering what the alternatives were like after my “Spicy Nachos” turned out to be Doritos laced with gallons of tomato ketchup but this was soon forgotten as we approached the Tanner’s Fetcham Grove stadium to be greeted with something which warmed our hearts after some paltry attendances earlier in the season. A QUEUE!

The sun was out, Leatherhead hadn’t graced the division above for 28 years and the fans were actually having to queue up to gain access to the ground. Joyous.

Fetcham was a new ground for us and it fits the bill – decent bar, nice setting, some proper stands and an excellent raised grass bank around two sides of the pitch from which to view the entertainment. And entertainment really was the correct word.

The home side looked far better than the Hamlet early on but it was the visitors that took the lead after 20 minutes through Gary Drewett. They doubled their lead a minute before half time as we made our way round the pitch in the direction of the bar – Vernon Francis hitting a shot on the turn and celebrating in fine style in front of us.

Dulwich’s confidence was growing but they were pegged back just before the break by a superb Greg Andrews shot from the edge of the box. 2-1 to the Hamlet at half time and this was developing into a very decent game.

Despite the scoreline, Lev Red (as the home fans seemed to think they were called) were certainly giving Dulwich some problems and it was somewhat of a surprise when the two goal advantage was restored by Drewett early in the 2nd half. As the game wore on, it was Dulwich that looked more likely to score and the away fans were beginning to celebrate. How had they managed to even be here in the first place? It was truly staggering and led me to curse them using the Power Of Twitter.

At 16:40, I wrote

I think dulwich are actually gonna do this. amazing.

A few minutes later, Lev Red were level. I blame myself. Actually, that’s not quite true – my friends blamed me. Which was nice.

A lengthy stoppage or two earlier in the game had meant that there were to be 9 minutes of injury time. Kev Terry put one in with 7 minutes to go and, as the game dragged on into the night (it seemed) he bagged another to even things up.

By 5 o’clock, people were beginning to wonder what was going on. “Has the ref just gone straight on into extra time?” was one confused utterance from one of the Dulwich supporters behind me in the Bernard Edward Stand. Eventually, the man in black did bring an end to things and we were to be treated to another half an hour. A few minutes before, Dulwich must have been wondering how they would fare in the division above. Now they were heading for extra time with their heads hanging and the home crowd more excited and vocal than ever.

There was to be no fairytale comeback. We’ve all seen these type of situations before. Terry completed his hat trick in the first half and, despite some frantic goalmouth action in the last minutes, the Tanners won 4-3 and next season will play in the Ryman Premier for the first time since 1983.

At the final whistle, fans streamed onto the pitch in celebration. Even the man on crutches managed to scramble over the wall to join in with the players.

Manager Gavin Rose looked almost tearful as he made his way to the Dulwich fans for a group hug and the players were crestfallen.

They’d very nearly pulled off the impossible.

Leatherhead had only finished a mere 23 points ahead of them and Dulwich were probably the better side for much of the game. They were leading 3-1 with 8 minutes to go. But, even as a fan of the Hamlet, you have to say that justice was done.

Just.

I’ve supported Ipswich Town all my life and, bar one remarkable day at the turn of the millenium, it has been nothing but play off defeat, after defeat, after defeat…

Ipswich 1 Charlton 2
Ipswich 3 Sheffield United 3 (Sheff U win on away goals)
Ipswich 0 Charlton 2
Ipswich 1 West Ham 2
West Ham 4 Ipswich 2

Not as bad as Preston, mind, but still a woeful effort.

In selecting my ‘new team’, Dulwich Hamlet, play off trauma potential was not something I really bore in mind, they fitted the bill simply by being the closest to where I now live. But, helpfully, in the three years I’ve been going to see them, they have steadfastly refused to break away from mid table and in to the danger of the play off zone, which has been a boon.

However, this season, having been as good as their mid-table word for the vast majority, through the ineptitude of others they found themselves stumbling into the final play off place on the penultimate day of the season. Given my previous experience of such things, WHY ON EARTH did I find myself traipsing across London to watch them try and finish the job on the final day??!! STEP AWAY FROM THE MISERY, STEP AWAY!

As if the potential for disappointment wasn’t bad enough, today’s hosts to Dulwich were the other side benefiting from the utter collapse of Burgess Hill Town in recent weeks. If Dulwich lost, Walton & Hersham would be the team rubbing their/our noses in it at the final whistle. What on earth was I letting myself in for?

As it happened, The Swans were toothless, never looked like scoring, always looked second best and, ultimately, lost 2-0 to an accomplished if unspectacular Dulwich side. It was actually relatively nerveless, with goals 5 minutes either side of half time Dulwich eased towards a clash with 2nd placed Metropolitan Police … Oh but wait a minute, what’s that … Oh me oh my, Bognor Regis Town only drew at 2nd bottom Chatham? Way to blow it, guys!

So, Met Police Bognor Regis will now be visited, on Tuesday night, by Dulwich. Now, here’s an age-old debate. Are the play offs fair?  In 2005 Ipswich finished 12 points ahead of West Ham, got dumped out of the play offs by them and then watched helplessly as a team who finished 14 points off automatic promotion went up ahead of them. That is nothing, Dulwich finished 31 (THIRTY ONE) points shy of 2nd placed Bognor Regis. Ouch.

The play offs were brought in to extend the worth of the season by creating fewer dead games at the end of the season. It also dangles a carrot of mediocrity for those muddling along in mid table. Finish strongly and you could sneak into the lottery. This is all well and good but when the gap between 2nd and 5th is a whopping 31 points, is it really very fair? Dulwich, in 5th, were even 23 points behind 4th placed Leatherhead. Arguably, Leatherhead have justified their place in the play offs, they were only 8 points off top.

Some people argue that if the team is so much better they should be able to dispatch the upstarts. True, particularly if it’s over two legs. Ah. Ryman play offs aren’t two-legged. Dulwich are just 90 fortuitous minutes from knocking out a team who, lest we forget, lost just four games all season, a quarter of the number lost by Dulwich.

Here is where I think things need evening out.  At the start of the season the play off position should be as it is now, the four places behind the last automatic promotion spot have a bunfight.  However, 2nd place should hold the aces. In the past folk have suggested 3rd and 4th should play off for the right to meet 2nd. Fair point but it still doesn’t necessarily rid the league of the possibility that a team could finish miles behind the team who just missed out on promotion and yet go up ahead of them.

To cater for this, 2nd place should be the benchmark. If the three teams below them do not make it within 10% of their points total, they cannot enter the play offs. There are then four simple scenarios. If there are three further teams that qualify, the play offs continue as they do now. If there are just two, they play off for the right to face 2nd in the final. If just one team makes it then it’s a straight final and, if there are no other teams within 10%, 2nd place goes up automatically – no play offs.

In this scenario Dulwich would not be in the play offs and Leatherhead and Whitehawk would play off for the right to meet Bognor. As it stands, Bognor are on a hiding to nothing. Over the course of the season they were 1 goal off being Champions of the league, as it happens they now face 90 minutes of tension against a team with nothing to lose who won a stonking 10 fewer games.

The added bonus of this new play off regime is that I now wouldn’t find myself getting sucked into a play off scenario running the risk of ultimate disappointment. Again. Yet AGAIN! It has to be said that neither of my cohorts at the game on Saturday were entirely convinced.

Bognor Regis Town .v. Dulwich Hamlet – Tuesday 3rd May 2011 at 7:45pm.

*Should be noted that play offs in the Ryman League are drawn from 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th places!

If you’re a regular to this site you’ll know the Hamlet are our local side and we’ve written much about them, so this is pretty much the last you’ll hear of them in this piece.  Walton & Hersham on the other hand are unusual in that they are complete unknowns to us. Given our Ryman addiction in the last two years they are one of the few sides who have never turned our heads. So, we did some reading, and, of course, based it round our joy, the Old Jug, the FA Cup.

At step 4 in the football pyramid a lot of clubs have ‘their’ story of FA Cup greatness, their cup final, their defining moment.  The Swans of Walton & Hersham are no different. In fact, in the early 1970s they had more than their fair share of joy in the old jug and were rightly feared. They were a team that all 3^rd and 4^th tier clubs would gladly avoid.

Before that period of success, W&H got their first taste of the propers when they progressed through seven 1957 FA Cup games against the likes of fellow Ryman side Hastings, future winners Wimbledon and fellow giant killers Sutton United.  The 1^st Round brought Division 3 South side Southampton to Stompond but there was to be no shock yet, they lost 6-1 but had made their first mark.

It took a while for them to notch their second effort, mind, 12 years in fact.  The 1st Round saw them eventually lose to a high-flying but not yet fully-fledged football league club in Barnet. It was close though, they only lost 1-0 to that year’s FA Trophy finalists.  The following year, 1970 they dumped out Sutton United again, this time to book their place in the 1^st round. It was an inauspicious exit for Sutton who only eight months previously had been hosting eventual Cup winners ‘Don Revie’s Leeds’ at gander Green Lane in a 4^th round tie.  The draw was unkind, W&H failed to net a league side and ran into renowned FA Cup giant killers Telford.  They lost 5-2.

The following year they fell at the final qualifying hurdle but 1972 was the zenith – and they got their first league scalp.  Only a Division 4 side at the time Exeter City were nevertheless a good one, despite going through a period of struggling to get past non-league sides in the FA Cup. The Grecians crept past Crawley after a replay a year earlier and got knocked out by Alvechurch the year after the Swans beat them. But beat them they did, 2-1, and the Surrey side went on to lift the FA Amateur Cup with Dave ‘Harry’ Bassett in their ranks.

The ‘reward’ for their first proper giant killing was a shocker. Instead of getting the bounty of another, bigger league side, the Swans drew fellow giant killers Margate. Margate were probably equally as miffed at the time, they’d just knocked out the Welsh Swans, at that time in Division 3, and were certainly hoping to avoid the tricky prospect of the English variant. That season, though, was Margate’s, they beat W&H 1-0 and earned a plum 3^rd Round tie against Spurs, which of course they lost 6-0.

Before the lean times of the 80s and 90s set in, Walton & Hersham had one last tilt and this was, with hindsight, probably the most odd and remarkable.  In 1973, their fourth foray into Round 1 in five years, they were drawn against Brighton & Hove Albion.  Having held the Division 3 side at home it was feared that was probably going to be it for the Swans.  Brighton had a new manager who the season before was facing down Juventus in the European Cup, a certain Brian Clough. Clive Foskett scored a hatrick at the old Goldstone Ground but he wasn’t playing for Brighton, he was playing for Walton and they whacked Cloughie’s Seagulls 4-0.

In the next round W&H got another bum draw.  They were drawn to face brand new football league side Hereford United who were smack bang in the middle of their four year rise from Southern League to Division 2!  The Bulls ran out comfortable 3-0 winners and consigned Walton & Hersham to the doldrums for another 20 years.  So, from hammering a club managed by a League Champion, future European Cup winner and self confessed legend, W&H had just lost to a team who only a few months earlier were in reality just one tier above them in the football league pyramid. Funny old game, Saint.

The club regrouped in the mid-2000s with long serving player and current Kingstonian manager Alan Dowson at the helm before getting relegated again in 2007.

Back to the matter in hand, form is dicey among all three of the play off challengers.  Walton & Hersham have won just once in their last five but have drawn a few and have been muddling along. Burgess Hill Town have lost four of their last five and, a point against Dulwich aside, they have been woeful.  Hamlet have, frankly, come from a position that looked beyond them when they lost 2-1 at home to Worthing a few weeks ago and again when they could only draw with Burgess Hill Town last week. So, thanks to a few wins, in truth, Hamlet are in the best form of the three but aren’t exactly firing on all clinders, they have simply profited from the failure of others.

If we were betting men, we’d probably suggest that the game will be a draw and BHT will fail to beat a decent Ramsgate side who are just two points behind them but who mathematically can’t quite reach the play offs themselves. But, hey, this is effectively a cup final so anything can happen.

Ryman Division 1 South
Walton & Hersham .v. Dulwich Hamlet
Saturday 30^th April, 3pm, £8
Walton-on-Thames is the closest rail station, 25-34 mins from Waterloo depending which train you get.  We’ve been recommended the Ashley Park pub near the station and reckon we should be there by about midday, though there does appear to be several decent boozers nearer the town centre and towards the river.

In true Great British fashion, we gleefully took advantage of the early Spring sunshine and surged to the Vale in Dulwich just as soon as we rose from our beds on Saturday. Admittedly, that wasn’t quite as early a start time for a drinking session as it might sound but there was time for at least one of us to be forced to move to a more secluded part of the pub garden due to sunstroke as well as a few pints of the distinctly off-tasting Powder Monkey before we headed across the road.

It’s amazing the difference a bit of sun makes to British people and so it was that our contingent numbered an incredible 4 (four) with one more to come as we sauntered into the Hamlet bar only to be greeted with the news that the Pride, the Adnams and the Amstel were all off – every man and his alcoholic dog wants a pint on a day like this and they’d clearly got there before us.

Pints of various untried (and frankly, unwanted) beverages safely decanted into hooligan-proof plastics, we wandered around the pitch, pausing only to sample the phenomenon that was the glowing heat emanating from The Wall behind the goal before we took up our positions on the halfway line opposite the main stand – the key factor in this decision being the lack of sun due to the roof on that side which would prevent the more follically-challenged members of the group from suffering further.

No sooner had we balanced our beers on the railings and availed ourselves of some lino porn and Dulwich had scored. Skipper Francis Duku – back in the side after being left on the bench whilst his team mates weakly donated the Championship Manager Cup to Wingate & Finchley last week – popped up to head in a cross and give the home side a deserved lead.

Worthing equalised 10 minutes before the break and their small band of followers found the heady combination of sun and goal too much for them and promptly removed their shirts to reveal some less than athletic torsos, the sight of which, when combined with an amusing “bouncy, bouncy” song was not my favourite vision of the day.

Feeling brave and possibly a touch inebriated, we decided to brave the full South London sun for the second half and joined the Dulwich faithful behind the goal at the Wall end.

Dulwich are our local side – indeed, this website was born in the main stand at Champion Hill in 2008. Inevitably, we’ve been to watch them play more often than any other non-league side and as any fan who regularly watches the same team will know, football can be very predictable sometimes. In the 3 years we’ve been going down there, Dulwich have played their football to a theme – the general pattern is to play nice, neat football with some excellent passing and moving but fail to have the cutting edge up front to kill sides off and end up being punished and wondering what happened. For an Arsenal fan such as myself, watching Dulwich could well be described as a busman’s holiday.

And so it was that the team in blue and pink contrived to lose the match 2-1 – the winner scored midway through the 2nd half by Terry Dodd. From my slightly hazy memory, Dulwich failed to create a single chance worthy of the name during the second period.

Once again the home fans were left wondering what could have been and we were left to return to the Vale for yet more tangy ale and to gradually realise that it really was far too early in the year to be wearing T-shirts and shorts.

After the Wingate goal the Dulwich team went quite literally to shite, while their fans upped their game. In fact, the louder the Hamlet fans got, the worse their team became. Even when they did get near the box they contrived to shoot at each other, miss kicks, lose headers and generally FAIL. I was annoyed, we’re not fans of Wingate & Finchley,  tsk.

So, I shall now be most childish and call it a day, Wingate deserved their win eventually but there were bigger things afoot here. I GOT CHARGED £4 FOR A FUCKING PANINI THE SIZE OF TWO FINGERS. Even that’s churlish, the two beers on were good and only £2.70. Still, despite putting on a good final with some nicely trimmed privet, I leave the ground embittered and very much burgled by the Met on the panini front.

That will teach me not to have pie/burger/pasty/chips. Ideas above my station innit. Well, it was a final, I thought it would be a treat.

Wingate & Finchley 2 Dulwich Hamlet 0

Top notch nostalgia line up though.

Dulwich Hamlet lost, nothing else matters.

So, I am going to try a different tack. I’m going to lazily publish the preamble in a hope that it will trigger something in someone and I can then complete the piece as was intended.

If I mention the name Dave McEwen but a handful of Spurs and QPR fans will know it. A couple of Spurs’ supporting mates remembered it, after staring hard into the middle distance for a few seconds, past more recent memories of Jonathan Blondel and Mark Yeates. The odd Dulwich Hamlet fan over the age of 25 will certainly remember it and there may even be a few Hertford and Crawley fans who have distant bells ringing. That’s probably it though.

The McEwen footballing story of a promising youngster who didn’t quite make it will be familiar to a lot of fans and perhaps to quite a lot of not-quite-footballers who also never had the good game at the right time. However, this isn’t quite as simple as that because Dave had something to fall back on, which few young footballers do.

After 18 months in ‘Spurs’ youth and reserve teams, Peter Crouch said in his autobiography that, in early 2000, he had high hopes of making the grade at Tottenham. He was a well thought of, if ungainly, 19 year old and he felt he was progressing nicely towards the first team squad.

Although taking a slightly different route in to football, 22 year old McEwen was earning rave reviews banging in goals at South London’s Isthmian League behemoths Dulwich Hamlet. The upshot of the hot McEwen form was a rave review from Spurs Director of Football, David Pleat, and in January 2000 Dave’s footballing story took a somewhat dramatic course with a transfer from Hamlet to those mighty Spurs themselves!

Converseley, by March that year, Crouchy’s world was starting to unravel. Pleat didn’t much fancy him and he found himself loaned out to Dave’s former club, Dulwich, where the fans quickly and unkindly dubbed him the 20 Foot Chicken. Crouch scored on his debut in a 2-1 defeat to Billericay Town and it got steadily worse from there. No more goals and several defeats followed and Spurs sent him to Sweden to work on his dance moves.

Less than a month later while Crouch was perhaps beginning to realise the precarious nature of football, McEwen was, relatively, living the dream by replacing Steffen Iversen in a last gasp Premier League draw against Derby at White Hart Lane.

McEwen’s debut was perhaps more famous for the start-of-the-end for luxuriously quaffed Frenchman David Ginola, who was replaced by enthusiastic young buck Matt Etherington. Replacing God with a raw youngster at 1-0 down to a poor Derby team understandably enraged the WHL faithful and their reaction to this probably didn’t much help the other incoming sub. The reaction was, though, understandable because this act of blasphemy was meted out by ex-Gooner Stewart Houston, while standing in for fellow ex-Gooner boss, George Graham, who was convalescing in hospital.

Blazing a header over and missing a sitter was maybe not the ideal debut for McEwen but he had at least shown promise and had made his Premier League debut. He also, arguably, played his part in ratcheting up the pressure on a Derby goal that was finally breached in the last minute by Stephen Clemence to ensure a draw. Phew.

What could possibly go wrong now?

At the end of that season Dave had lived the dream by moving from non-league to Premier League in the twinkle of David Pleat’s eye *shudder* and could look forward to the promise of more appearances with the cockerel on his chest. Crouch, on the other hand, was informed he was surplus to requirements and was offloaded to QPR for a nominal fee that suggested he might be one of the many promising footballers who slipped slowly down the leagues and out of the game.

After a typically erratic start to a Spurs season, Dave might have expected to at least have got a shout before Christmas. Sir Les and Rebrov were failing to hit it off and Iversen was injured but George Graham was coming under huge pressure to produce and he wasn’t about to risk it on a young(ish) untried striker.

But then he did, begrudgingly. The call didn’t come until January when Graham was desperate, Les’ ageing body was starting to fail and Iversen was crocked (again). Even then a rather unhappy Rebrov first ploughed a lone furrow in George Graham’s plans.

Having finally got the nod, Dave played in three successive games that January, all scoreless draws in which he barely got a sniff. But he was getting important Premier League game time under his belt, it was just a matter of time.

Across London, Crouch had made a fairly inauspicious start to his QPR career but that was suddenly shot in the arm by six goals in six winter games. It was now 2001 and, very briefly, things were looking decidedly rosy for both men.

However, after the brief spring awakening, QPR’s form suddenly caved in and they went on to be relegated from the Championship, with Crouch scoring just 3 goals in the last 21 games of the season. McEwen never added to his three January games, never got any more game time and couldn’t impress the boss enough to extricate himself from the reserves.

At the end of the 2001 season Spurs kept on French youngster Yannick Kamanan and added Teddy Sheringham to the squad. There was no room for McEwen and his contract was not renewed. With just 12 goals in a relegated team, things also looked uncertain for Crouch.

And then old man Sackalot turned up at Portsmouth. Pompey had just avoided the same fate as QPR in the Championship but had come into some money we now know Milan Mandaric didn’t actually have. Well, whatever happened, Portsmouth certainly didn’t have it, anyway.  With an illogical leap of faith, not to mention stretch of wallet, Pompey shelled out a frankly astonishing £1.5million on QPR’s 10 goal bean pole which, ironically, allowed QPR to sign his replacement in the form of one Dave McEwen.

What happened to Crouchy after that is the stuff of robots and a swirling, whirling round of odd and expensive transfers that saw him pitch up back at the place his career appeared to have ended, Spurs. But what happened to Dave McEwen? It could be said that McEwen’s QPR career was as uneventful as his Spurs career. He made six appearances and not only were none of them victories, Dave failed to find the net and was released the following year.

A spell at Hertford Town followed but Dave’s professional football career was over at the age of 25. This was particularly impressive given he’d only arrived in it at the age of 23. But, although the fact of losing a footballer’s career at the age of 25 might not be unique, where Dave’s story is fairly unique is the reason I wanted to find him. Dave’s late arrival in football was entirely down to his decision to complete his Business Degree at the University of London.

Unlike Peter’s response, some years later, to the question ‘what would you be if you weren’t a footballer?’, Dave would have had a fairly good idea and would not have needed the cartoon response of  ‘a virgin’. Dave’s educational foresight at getting ejukated before his football career is not unique in football down the years but it is pretty rare these days, especially for one who played in the Premier League.  Shaka Hislop, Iain Dowie, Steve Palmer, Brian McClair, Barry Horne, David Wetherall, David Weir and Matty Lawrence are on a pretty short list of University educated footballers. That’s a decent list and is by no means exhaustive but it’s a pretty poor tally from the last 25 years of football.

A University education is not the be all and end all of forging a career outside of football but the perennial alternative is staying in the game in some capacity or opening a pub. Those paths are often the privilege of the successful player, the ones who fall out of the game early are rarely so lucky and often have little to fall back on.

Dave though, did. And this is where the trail starts to go cold. I spoke to a few people who he would have encountered towards the end of his pro career, emailed a few old managers and all I could ascertain from a few people was “he works in the city now”. Although exceptionally vague, it was very promising. “The City”! Was Dave now a trader? Was he a big-wig in a bank somewhere? I still don’t know. Please help me find him so I can find out.

Cheers, Damon.

————————– to be continued …

Craven Cottage – Fulham v Swindon – FA Cup

While Simon was away gadding about the nether regions of the world, Damon continued to keep it real by … errrr … starting the year at a Premier League Ground! Tsk! We usually want the underdog to win but, having no real connection to Swindon, this time we had half an eye on the underdog getting their noses rubbed in it. Swindon surprised us with some good footy and we changed our minds. Nice branded plastic pints in an SS style at the Cottage!

Alwyns Lane – Chertsey v Whitley Bay – FA Vase

Back to reality and a ball gets blasted in to Tree Z. Our first proper foray into the FA Vase. Moneybags Chertsey couldn’t stretch to a special get-a-ball-out-of-a-tree-stick so someone resorted to using a thingamyjig. The natives sang songs about the north being a strange place, which upset Whitley Bay native Adele’s first non-league experience. It was tiresome after the first twenty minutes.

?????? – Ryman League

Great PA Systems of our time – a realfacup badge to anyone who can name the ground we visited on this derby day in February? And if you can name the PA then do get in touch! It was a sunny/rainy/windy/warm/cold day in winter/spring/summer. I fell over in the club bar and tipped beverage all over the shop. Missed the start of the second half, not for the last time this year. No link this time, you’ll have to find it for yourself! Mind you, we went to the reverse fixture on New Year’s Day, like just now.

Wembley – Cardiff v Blackpool – Championship Play Off Final

A sea of orange as we watched a bigger-than-usual underdog steamroller their way in to the Premier League. We played this one in classic realfacup style by joining the Tangerines for a few pre-match liveners in the sun. Cracking game topped off by the unforgettable sight of 30,000 baffled fans struggled to come to terms with what had just happened and what the win meant. Top class day out. We didn’t bother with a report for some reason but previewed here and also see the Mysterious Tangerine’s Postcard From The Premier League

Mill Road – Arundel v Hailsham – FA Cup

Sussex lino legend and Father Jack lookalike, Paul John, gets much love from therealfacup and local footy clubs. On another cool but sunny but wet but warm and wasp-riddled day, non-league tactics were ramped up a notch with the deployment of a libero. Worked a treat as well as Arundel marched through. Lots of wasps.

Gander Green Lane – Sutton v Staines – Pre-Season Friendly

Match sponsor? Boys footy bible for posters, Match Magazine! St Johns ambulance, thrilled with Sutton v Staines. Is it just us or does one of them look like Matt Lucas?

Cobham – The Running Mare – Pre-FA Cup

Ahh, the glory of metaphor. The rainbow signifies the proverbial pot of gold, of course. But what lies at the end of this rainbow? Why, it’s Chelsea’s Cobham training ground, of course. Perfect and poetic. Our destination? Just yards away at Mole Valley’s rudimentary but homely ground. Two worlds collide.

King George’s Field – Corinthian-Casuals v Lingfield – FA Cup

Non League in a nut shell at Corinthian-Casuals. One man? Check. His dog? Check. Any paying customers? Errr … just about. As well as four realfacupsters there were 56 others. How on earth do Corinthian Casuals survive?

Champion Hill – Dulwich Hamlet v Tonbridge – FA Cup.

The Wall lured Damon in at this game but it was a nervy affair for the Hamley faithful. Youth teamers tried to get in the photo. Beer by the touchline? I’ll have a cheeky pint please. Not the best afternoon for Dulwich.

The Bank Pub – Sutton

Ray Stubbs talks to inanimate objects. The FA Cup ponders a while. Errr, I don’t know where this is going. The Actual FA Cup meets therealfacup.

Hayes Lane – Cray Wanderers v South Park – FA Cup

therealfacup gets the death stare from the Cray Wanderers bench.Eek! We were a little perturbed. But we’re still here and there was only a small fence separating us from certain death. And it were on’t telly!

Imperial Fields – Tooting & Mitcham v Staines – FA Cup

It’s not a great time to be a Tooting fan but … this chap takes isolation to new levels. Did he smell? Santa chilling out? Nice rolly up troozaz. Smashing.

Margate – Margate v Kingstonian – FA Cup

Sunny Margate in September. This Kingstonian sub is messing with the head of a subbed team mate. Flick that window shut. Wait for it to be opened again. Flick window shut. Giggle.

Kingsmeadow – Kingstonian v Margate – FA Cup Replay

Oh my!  Tubby keeper + Burger hut can only mean one thing. Unkind photo composition. Margate’s nearly-hero Jamie Turner needs a thought cloud round that. Jamie had a blinder. He took some good-natured stick off the K’s fans then couldn’t quite keep out the required number of penalties. Although his team mates could have helped by actually scoring some.

Church Road – Hayes & Yeading v Wycombe – FA Cup

The thin lime green lime, I mean line. Hayes & Yeading get a crowd for the first time this season. Wycombe Wanderers turn up mob handed and old bill shows force.

Earlsmead – Harrow Boro v Chesterfield – FA Cup

Television glamour comes to therealfacup. Red-ish carpet! Actually a plastic mat. Ken Charlery deserved better. We deserved access to the VIP lounge, as did our cohorts for the day from twofootedtackle and lastseatontheplane. Tish.

Kingfield Stadium – Woking v Brighton – FA Cup Replay

Ahhh, now there are memories. Flares on the pitch. Lighting up the foggy evening sky. Woking v Brighton. And little Mo Taricco gets his first run out in some years. And sets up a goal. And got sent off. Thoroughly entertaining fayre.

Woking 2 Brighton 2 AET – Brighton win on pens.

Gander Green Lane – Sutton v Wealdstone – Ryman League

Ever wanted to see a Mascot in the crowd? Here’s Jenny The Giraffe at Sutton v Wealdstone. Oh – and we missed another goal!

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