Thanks to their relegation from the Blue Square Bet South, Lewes were thrown into the competition a round earlier this season, meaning that we would almost certainly get a new place to visit, and that is exactly what we got.  Drawn to play the winner of Cobham/Badshot Lea or Chertsey Town.  Now this to me is a great idea.  My interest in the Extra-Preliminary Round was focused on the Cobham v Badshot Lea tie, because one of them could be our destination.  Likewise in the Preliminary Round for the Badshot v Chertsey Town game, which got the better of a few members of the Lewes Lunatic Fringe who decided to do a bit of scouting as you can read about here.  Why not do all of the draw right up until the semi-finals in the same way?  What an incentive to know that if Cobham did overcome Badshot Lea, Chertsey Town and Lewes (and then for instance Bromley, Dartford, Darlington, Bury, Rochdale, Chelsea, Everton, QPR and Man City) they would be playing at Wembley. Incentive indeed.  But they didn’t, and they wont.

So here we were off to Chertsey, or Certesi as the Doomsday Book called it.  Sacked by the Danes in the 9th century for eating Marmite and drinking Red Bull (an in-joke there for us expats working in Copenhagen) it grew due to the opening of Thorpe Park in 1066 which was the first medieval theme park*. Just under 1,000 years later and it is the 2nd most visited theme park in the UK, with nearly 2million people a year paying for long queues, overpriced food and general disappointment – which when you write it like that should appeal to all Arsenal fans.

It is a shame that on this Saturday that just 1.5 miles down the road the “Magic of the FA Cup” was kicking into gear.  Thousands of lost souls will have passed so close to salvation, only to end up in an endless queue for 30 seconds of “excitement” on Stealth.  For less than the price of a burger at Wembley Stadium you could have gained entry into Alwyns Lane and experienced joy on the faces of the fans as Christian Nanetti danced his way around the home team’s defence. Well that was the theory anyway.

FA Cup day meant an early start for the Lewes Lunatic Fringe.  We didn’t want to miss any of the fun.  The special non league trousers© were getting their first airing of the season, rosettes had been pressed and rattles oiled.  Buckle up boys the real thrill ride was about to start and it was 90 minutes long.

Chertsey Town 4 Lewes 1 – Alwyns Lane – Saturday 17th September 2011

Chertsey Town 4 Lewes 1 – Alwyn Lane – Saturday 17th September 2011
I don’t want to talk about it, ok?  Even now, four hours after the final whistle I still get angry just thinking about it.  How could they fail so miserably?  After all, Non League football is all about the chips and Chertsey Town let us all down with none on offer.  Oh, the football.  Right.  Well there was certainly goals, dubious refereeing decisions, thunder, lightning which was lyrically very very frightening.

Often you get two goals in a game that are almost identical, but in this game we had four goals that seemed like action replays of each other.  Set piece into the penalty area and a decent header into the net.  All good stuff apart from three of them happened to be from Chertsey as they powered to what eventually was an easy win for the team from the Evostik South Central Division One Southern League, or something.  Their cause was helped by a number of factors.

Firstly the rain.  This wasn’t just a “slight shower” that the good looking women on Sky told me personally this morning – “You will experience a few light showers this afternoon” she said, and I couldn’t not believe her when she gave me a cheeky wink too.  This was possible game abandonment rain.  Of course at 0-0 nobody wanted to see that, but after Phil Page had scored his second to put the home side 2-1 up it would have been the best decision he made all afternoon.

Ah yes, the referee.  Or more so his two officials.  Absolutely clueless.  Idiot number one indicated that Lewis Hamilton should be red carded for a professional foul when the ball was running towards the touchline and he was in front of the forward, and then idiot two gave a goal when Bennett’s cannonball of a shot hit the bar, post and line.  Quite how he saw this when he was five yards away from being level to see, and the speed of the ball made it impossible to see.

Stats never lie and in this instance Chertsey’s eight shots on target to Lewes’s one gives you an idea that this was as one sided as the result suggests. We left with our tails hanging between our legs and sought solace in the George Inn.  When you are down it is not handy to walk into the most depressing pub in the world.  But that just summed up our day perfectly.  Hopefully, as Chesney Hawkes so famously said, this would be the “One and Only” time we would be coming down to Chertsey. Who wants to go to Wembley anyway.

*This fact cannot be verified, but a bloke in the pub told us and it is not on Wikipedia so it must be true.

 If you want the 12″ Extended Shep Pettibone Remix of Chesney 4 Lewes 1 then head over to Stuart’s site The Ball Is Round. All words and pictures by Stuart Fuller.

To save you the bother of punching Badshot Lea FC into your search engine, the Surrey club groundshare with Godalming Football Club which they’ve been doing for two seasons having previously had the same arrangement with Farnborough. To get to Goldalming’s Wey Court ground, you have to alight at Farncombe. Confused? You will be. Shall we move on…

The “home” club had been kicking their heels around the Hellenic League for much of their 107 year existence until a tidy little agreement with the leagues saw them swap places with Reading Town and rise to the dizzying heights of the Combined Counties League Premier Division. For their part, Chertsey Town of the – deep breath – Southern League Division One Central, are currently the most fun-packed team on this fair isle. Why pay £40.80p to go to Thorpe Park when, for a fraction of the cost, just around the corner at Alwyns Lane you’re pretty much guaranteed goals, goals, goals…..29 (twenty nine) of the beauties in their last four matches. Wowzers.

As per usual, Team EFW arrived in town in good time to hail the pre-match ale. Cynical Dave, Big Deaks and I dragged our one and half inch Cuban heels over to the Leathern Bottle pub, next door to the stadium, where we were met by Twitter legend Jamie Cutteridge who, pleasingly, was also rocking the old Cuban heel as well as sporting a freshly ironed Football Ramble T-shirt. You won’t find us chaps wearing those new fangled elasticated bottomed trousers. What on earth is going on there? Take a look at yourselves, kids.

The food menu in the pub had been priced up as per 1986, so we filled our boots and helped ourselves to TEA, Hogs Back Brewery Traditional English Ale TEA. As the ale sailed freely down the hatch, we giggled at the fact Badshot Lea FC ranks third on the list of Badshot Lea entries in Google; taking a bronze behind a van hire company (silver) and the garden centre (gold). It was also suggested that Chertsey sounds like it should really be a suburb of Liverpool. Say it out loud in your best Scouse accent. Exactly.

Fan through any Non-League guide and I’m pretty positive you’ll find the phrase “good little set up” inked in next to Godalming Football Club. Man alive, they even sell pasta (pasta) in their fairly spacious clubhouse. Said clubhouse is also decked out in footy pennants, which will always receive a large tick in my book. The club are after £40,000 in ground development funds. They need more covered seating to meet league requirements should they make it to the Ryman Premier League. They’ve raised £2677.97p thus far so, feeling a bit merry generous, we chipped in a few quid.

As the two teams emerged we afforded ourselves a huge cheer – the biggest of the day. Magnificently, the players had entered the field from either side of the main stand. Split. Tunnels. I know we are, at times, accused of being easily pleased – but really, what’s not to like about a bit duel tunnelage? Those involved then gathered themselves on the touchline and marched to the playing field as one. I’m not sure how long that took to plan but it looked tremendous. Marvellous scenes and all that.

Badshot Lea punched above their weight for much of the game but, ultimately, they struggled to contain easily the two best players on the pitch in Navy blue tops; Oliver Burgess and the – already prolific this season – Danny Bennett.

We’d taken up a position in between both dug outs. For comedy value alone, it’s often the best place to stand during a Non-League match. “Make the run, if it doesn’t come to you, so what, don’t do a standing jump,” came the orders from the bench. “Shoot, fucking shoot, will somebody please fucking shoot,” barked Chertsey gaffer Spencer Day. Hmmm….Spencer Day. He looked the part in a very dashing suit, and seemed vaguely familiar, but the name didn’t ring a bell. So we looked him up on t’internet. Of course, that’s him: the artist formerly known as Spencer Trethewy – the chap who, over twenty years ago mind, was for a brief period the most infamous man in football having stood accused of bringing Aldershot Town to their knees. Didn’t he appear on the Terry Wogan show as well? He did. We all blew out our cheeks.

After quite a bit of faffing, and not too much penetration, the match sprung into life in the 68th minute when a totally innocuous off-the-ball incident involving both teams centre backs was deemed sufficient enough for Ben Wright, the match referee, to send the pair of them off. Cue a verbal volley of abuse from a bumper Non-League Day crowd and players alike. “You’ve ruined the game, ref,” said the players. “Any pasta left in the clubhouse? That really hit the spot,” shouted the hungrier elements of those gathered on the terraces.

In truth, the game opened up after that. Darren Blake spooned a shot wide for Bagshot Lea when he really should, and could, have done better after being sent clean through on goal. He and The Baggies were left to rue that miss as minutes later, Oliver Burgess produced that bit of magic which – dare I say – was worthy of winning any cup tie; a swashbucking run weaving in and out of the home defence, and a shot and the end of it, drilled low into the right hand corner of the net. 0-1.

Back in the clubhouse afterwards I conducted an exclusive in-depth interview with Spencer Day regarding the obvious talking point of the match, the double sending off. “I didn’t see it, mate,”. And with that he said his goodbyes, wished us all well, and sped off in a fancy Range Rover. Broom.

That was our Non-League Day. A hugely enjoyable experience despite it not being the most pulsating of actual matches. The icing on the cake would of course have been a dog with a football scarf around its neck running across the pitch with a string of sausages. Fingers crossed this will occur in the next round of the cup when Chertsey Town entertain community club, Lewes FC, see you there? Woof.

——–

Huge thanks to Danny Last. Again, as if you didn’t already know, Danny’s European Football Weekends website can be found at this place on the interweb.

Craven Cottage – Fulham v Swindon – FA Cup

While Simon was away gadding about the nether regions of the world, Damon continued to keep it real by … errrr … starting the year at a Premier League Ground! Tsk! We usually want the underdog to win but, having no real connection to Swindon, this time we had half an eye on the underdog getting their noses rubbed in it. Swindon surprised us with some good footy and we changed our minds. Nice branded plastic pints in an SS style at the Cottage!

Alwyns Lane – Chertsey v Whitley Bay – FA Vase

Back to reality and a ball gets blasted in to Tree Z. Our first proper foray into the FA Vase. Moneybags Chertsey couldn’t stretch to a special get-a-ball-out-of-a-tree-stick so someone resorted to using a thingamyjig. The natives sang songs about the north being a strange place, which upset Whitley Bay native Adele’s first non-league experience. It was tiresome after the first twenty minutes.

?????? – Ryman League

Great PA Systems of our time – a realfacup badge to anyone who can name the ground we visited on this derby day in February? And if you can name the PA then do get in touch! It was a sunny/rainy/windy/warm/cold day in winter/spring/summer. I fell over in the club bar and tipped beverage all over the shop. Missed the start of the second half, not for the last time this year. No link this time, you’ll have to find it for yourself! Mind you, we went to the reverse fixture on New Year’s Day, like just now.

Wembley – Cardiff v Blackpool – Championship Play Off Final

A sea of orange as we watched a bigger-than-usual underdog steamroller their way in to the Premier League. We played this one in classic realfacup style by joining the Tangerines for a few pre-match liveners in the sun. Cracking game topped off by the unforgettable sight of 30,000 baffled fans struggled to come to terms with what had just happened and what the win meant. Top class day out. We didn’t bother with a report for some reason but previewed here and also see the Mysterious Tangerine’s Postcard From The Premier League

Mill Road – Arundel v Hailsham – FA Cup

Sussex lino legend and Father Jack lookalike, Paul John, gets much love from therealfacup and local footy clubs. On another cool but sunny but wet but warm and wasp-riddled day, non-league tactics were ramped up a notch with the deployment of a libero. Worked a treat as well as Arundel marched through. Lots of wasps.

Gander Green Lane – Sutton v Staines – Pre-Season Friendly

Match sponsor? Boys footy bible for posters, Match Magazine! St Johns ambulance, thrilled with Sutton v Staines. Is it just us or does one of them look like Matt Lucas?

Cobham – The Running Mare – Pre-FA Cup

Ahh, the glory of metaphor. The rainbow signifies the proverbial pot of gold, of course. But what lies at the end of this rainbow? Why, it’s Chelsea’s Cobham training ground, of course. Perfect and poetic. Our destination? Just yards away at Mole Valley’s rudimentary but homely ground. Two worlds collide.

King George’s Field – Corinthian-Casuals v Lingfield – FA Cup

Non League in a nut shell at Corinthian-Casuals. One man? Check. His dog? Check. Any paying customers? Errr … just about. As well as four realfacupsters there were 56 others. How on earth do Corinthian Casuals survive?

Champion Hill – Dulwich Hamlet v Tonbridge – FA Cup.

The Wall lured Damon in at this game but it was a nervy affair for the Hamley faithful. Youth teamers tried to get in the photo. Beer by the touchline? I’ll have a cheeky pint please. Not the best afternoon for Dulwich.

The Bank Pub – Sutton

Ray Stubbs talks to inanimate objects. The FA Cup ponders a while. Errr, I don’t know where this is going. The Actual FA Cup meets therealfacup.

Hayes Lane – Cray Wanderers v South Park – FA Cup

therealfacup gets the death stare from the Cray Wanderers bench.Eek! We were a little perturbed. But we’re still here and there was only a small fence separating us from certain death. And it were on’t telly!

Imperial Fields – Tooting & Mitcham v Staines – FA Cup

It’s not a great time to be a Tooting fan but … this chap takes isolation to new levels. Did he smell? Santa chilling out? Nice rolly up troozaz. Smashing.

Margate – Margate v Kingstonian – FA Cup

Sunny Margate in September. This Kingstonian sub is messing with the head of a subbed team mate. Flick that window shut. Wait for it to be opened again. Flick window shut. Giggle.

Kingsmeadow – Kingstonian v Margate – FA Cup Replay

Oh my!  Tubby keeper + Burger hut can only mean one thing. Unkind photo composition. Margate’s nearly-hero Jamie Turner needs a thought cloud round that. Jamie had a blinder. He took some good-natured stick off the K’s fans then couldn’t quite keep out the required number of penalties. Although his team mates could have helped by actually scoring some.

Church Road – Hayes & Yeading v Wycombe – FA Cup

The thin lime green lime, I mean line. Hayes & Yeading get a crowd for the first time this season. Wycombe Wanderers turn up mob handed and old bill shows force.

Earlsmead – Harrow Boro v Chesterfield – FA Cup

Television glamour comes to therealfacup. Red-ish carpet! Actually a plastic mat. Ken Charlery deserved better. We deserved access to the VIP lounge, as did our cohorts for the day from twofootedtackle and lastseatontheplane. Tish.

Kingfield Stadium – Woking v Brighton – FA Cup Replay

Ahhh, now there are memories. Flares on the pitch. Lighting up the foggy evening sky. Woking v Brighton. And little Mo Taricco gets his first run out in some years. And sets up a goal. And got sent off. Thoroughly entertaining fayre.

Woking 2 Brighton 2 AET – Brighton win on pens.

Gander Green Lane – Sutton v Wealdstone – Ryman League

Ever wanted to see a Mascot in the crowd? Here’s Jenny The Giraffe at Sutton v Wealdstone. Oh – and we missed another goal!

See more of therealfacup’s pictures on our Facebook Page and our Picasa Page.

So it was with a tinge of soggy dejection that we left work early on Friday evening to see our first FA Cup game of the season just as the heavens opened and the rain began to fall at the end of a miserable, grey day.

Mole Valley SCR were forced to leave their home in Fetcham last year and are currently sharing with Cobham FC whose ground – the marvellously named ‘Leg O Mutton Field’ – is barely 2 miles from Chelsea’s £20m state-of-the-art training complex across town but the rich and famous superstars who can often be seen flinging their 4x4s around the quiet country lanes in this particular part of suburbia were conspicuous by their absence as we supped a pint in The Running Mare on the way to the, errr, ‘field’. Maybe Abramovich’s overpaid ‘slaves’ were too busy collecting the gold that they’d discovered at the end of the rainbow that seemed to have one end firmly planted in John Terry’s back garden as we left the pub?

The majority of the crowd emerged from the understocked bar just before kick off to be faced with a downpour more commonly seen in the later rounds of the competition, in January or February than mid August and, with the seats which were under cover already full to bursting, we headed towards the shelter of some trees behind the MV goal for the bulk of the first half. But not before The Real FA Cup’s first touch of the season, your reporter scurrying between increasingly lake-like puddles to fetch the ball from behind the stand.

This was to be Mole Valley’s first foray into the old competition and hopes were high after two 4-1 victories in early skirmishes in the Combined Counties League. Chertsey Town, however, had had some thumping early results of their own and were not about to let MVSCR have their day in the pouring, miserable rain as they controlled most of the play in the early stages, Dean Papali missing their best chance early on when his downward header bounced into the ground and over the bar.

After 17 minutes, Dan Martin brought Papali down on the edge of the area and Tom O’Regan stepped up to put the visitors 1-0 up from the spot. Martin was harshly sent off for the offence, the referee having seemingly listened carefully to the advice given to him by the Chertsey fans behind the goal that ‘he was the last man’ and ‘simply had to go’. Sadly for the newcomers, the decision ruined any chance they had of debut success and when their defence was caught short at the back just before the half-time whistle (just as we were similarly compromised after our earlier visit to the local hostelry!) the outlook was looking increasingly bleak as the man in charge once again pointed to the spot. O’Regan was the victim this time and, once again, made no mistake as he picked himself up out of the mud and put his side 2-0 up at the break.

The rain had finally abated by half time but sustenance was badly needed so a return to the bar was required, a 10 minute queue wait culminating in being informed by the surly chefs that it would be “a while” before our burgers would be ready. The pair of George Foreman grills and the Morphy Richards deep fat fryer were doing overtime and neither the technology nor the staff, it would appear, could cope with the early season appetite for their greasy deliciousness.

So it was then that we returned to the second half action hungry, awaiting the delivery of our gourmet dinner.

The second half began in much the same vain as the first, but without the precipitation, and Chertsey increased their lead to 3 just before the hour when Papali’s shot deflected off substitute Liam Holden and looped over the Mole Valley keeper’s head and into the net behind him. Soon after, Papali scored his 2nd and Chertsey’s 4th after a great touch by his fellow striker which teed him up to rifle the ball home and seal the away side’s progress into the next round.

It’s always depressing to hear the captain of any side urging his players on to “keep their heads up” because “we know we’re beaten” with almost half an hour on the clock but it was fair comment. O’Regan wrapped things up with a 5th late on, but it could have been more.

By the time the final whistle had been blown, Mole Valley could have counted their goalscoring opportunities on the fingers of one finger and, in truth, deserved nothing from the game. Chertsey always had them where they wanted them and the sending off increased the size of the home side’s task to the realms of the impossible.

The impossible was, however, achieved by the Cobham catering staff, delivering us a burger only 15 minutes into the 2nd half and some (admittedly very nice, freshly cooked) chips with 10 minutes left on the clock.

Chertsey will go on to play Chatham in two weeks time and the question on everyone’s lips on that day, as with every other FA Cup tie this season, will be whether anyone can stop Spurs from winning the trophy which they famously win every time the year ends in ’1′.

We shall see.

Simon

Last season we used the conduit of YOU to decide which games to go to but this season we’re starting off selfish style and we had two themes to follow. The first was ‘debutant team’ and the second was picturesque ground to  take advantage of the mid summer sun.

Imagine our frustration, then, that tonight’s game in quaintest Surrey will be bathed not in twilight sunshine but grey drizzle. And that equals shit photos.  Oh – and debutant!  Ground-sharing Mole Valley SCR have had to switch their first ever FA cup game, against fellow Combined Counties Premier side Chertsey, to a Friday evening so it will be one of the first games in this year’s tourny.

There’s a buzz about the Cobham-based south London nomads at the moment. Two 4-1 lashings dished out to unknowing CC stalwarts has made the league sit up and take notice.  Bananaskin.  As well-funded regular powerhouses in this league, Chertski should probably take MVSCR as seriously as they did Whitely Bay in the Vase QFs last time we visited them.

We knew nothing about Mole Valley SCR so we gave them a buzz.  Former goalkeeping coach and current press officer Gary Brigden told us the start to the season had exceeded all their expectations, so much so they already have more points from two games than they realistically thought they’d get from 4 or 5.  The raw figures suggest that Taylor Mollatt (assists) and ‘Nemo’ Adams (goals) are the ones to watch but Gary pointed out Matt Kilton (holding) and Jay Holden (scoring) are also two on whom to keep your mince pies on Friday night.

Founded in 1978 by current Chairman Alan Salmon and managed by his son Darren, this is a genuine family club, not one of the cliched family clubs so –called because they don’t have much of a firm, have padded seats and a nice match day crèche.  And deep breath now … born in Carshalton as the scary sounding INRAD they soon moved to Sutton and became Centre 21 FC.

Then they upped sticks to Sutton to become (S)utton (C)ommon (R)oad United and then it was pub-related sponsor frenzy!  In relatively quick succession they were SCR Plough, SCR Grapes and SCR Litten Tree, ‘SCR Kingfisher, Ewell’ and Sutton Common Rovers … until 2 years ago when they moved in with Cobham FC and changed the name again to reflect the new area in which they played.  There is a rather romantic rural sound to Mole Valley SCR and it leapt off the page as we glanced through the fixtures.  Phew … all that in the time it took Bobby Zamora to get into the England squad.

A Sunday League side just 7 years ago, Gary said most of the lads won’t have played in front of many more than 100  fans before and they were hoping for 200 tonight.  The weather might affect that but, if you’re in two minds, the 2x 4-1s do suggest some truth in Gary’s assertion that “they play good attacking football so fans will have an enjoyable time watching”.  We believe it’s £6 to get in here and the kick off is 7:45, we’ll see you in the bar – and there’s a cracking boozer half way along the not inconsiderable walk between the station and the ground.

Saturday is when most of the schnizz happens and we’ll be heading for Arundel, picturesque, tick, so put on your smoking jacket, get out your slippers, stuff your pipe and kick back with the hoi polloi. Arundel v Hailsham Town promises much in the way of culture, fine wines, the smack of leather on willow, ancient castles and landed gentry, yah. We’ve already bigged up this game here .

A game on which we’re hoping to get a match report from one of our chums (no names, no pack drill, no repercussions)  is Runcorn Linnets v Maine Road.  It wasn’t a game that immediately sprang to mind but when aforementioned chap gave us a bit of recent history and said he was going, our ears sprang up. ‘No one likes to see that’ is the common, feeble and misleading statement when faced with 4 sendings off … come on, you all love it!  Having now read some reports about it, it sounds like a niggly game but one that the ref turned into a farce.  Sounds great!  More!

One of the several early adopters of trust ownership, the Linnets have been fan run since 2006. They also have decent pedigree in the Old Jug, beating Aldershot in the 1938/39 cup before losing 4-2 to Division 1 Preston in the 3^rd round.  Founded by a group of Manchester City fans, Maine Road are not in Maine Road, in fact they are closer to Old Trafford but they remain staunchly Citeh, if only in sprit and not in funding.

We have some extra stuff about Leeds Carnegie, Billingham Synthonia, Brian Clough, Greenwich Borough v South Park, Glossop North End’s pies and Saffron Walden Town  on our little ITV preview

The full fixtures are …

Photos Courtesy Gary Brigden at Mole Valley SCR

As I Tweeted after the game, this game annoyed me. Immensely. For several reasons. I wrote my original match report on the Sunday and it was, essentially, a hatchet job on the Chertsey fans. I thought better of publishing the match report and thought I’d give it a few days before having another go in a more balanced frame of mind. So I did a write up of only game action but that was pretty dull. Finally, I tried to do a mixture of the two and it was a furious ramble about the state of the modern game, which was a bit out of place and OTT. Also, in the mean time I read several reports of the game and all of them seemed slightly at odds with my impressions of it. According to both teams’ websites this was an exciting game so why was my impression so different?

It has to be said, it felt odd going to a game with my other half for the first time. This wasn’t one of the things that annoyed me but it definitely coloured my experience. Gone were the football comments, the game talk, I couldn’t quite ascertain how many of the situational and cultural reference points were or would be wasted. So I didn’t bother. This game was unlikely to hit the heights and the chances of it doing so were undermined with the other half’s Facebook update just before kick off that questioned why she was here at all. It was a joke but also a fair point, although also quite obvious as she is from Whitley Bay.

Secondly, the game really WAS pretty dire and this was the main problem. Neutrality at big, tight and tense games means that you don’t have the emotion and adrenal that both sets of fans do. Chertsey had the shoulder-chip inducing lack of history in the Vase to make this their ‘Cup Final’, as the bunting and balloons would hint. Whitley fans had the emotion of being cup holders to keep them goin. We had nothing. This neutrality often makes you view the game with cold eyes and a critical insight that means your view of the game is entirely different to the ‘fans’.

There was also the added problem of having no reference point to the previous week/month/season’s performances of either side. Was this better or worse fayre than usual? At a guess, it looked like Chertsey were playing at about par and Whitley had a little more. That might be unfair but the respective write ups do hint at that.

Though the general quality on show here was poorer than recent games we’d seen, the players undoubtedly weren’t helped by the undulating and sticky pitch. Control was often heavy, passes inaccurate and shooting wayward, particularly the latter by the home side.

The first half was only notable for the early goals and my noting that Whitley’s no.4, Hodgson, looked like he would get sent off at some point. My theory was fairly flimsy but he had managed a few minor yet cynical fouls that he’d followed up with a cheeky smirk or wink at the linesman, as if playing some odd game of cat and mouse with authority. I am pretty sure the lino clocked this and I do wonder if he mentioned it to the ref at half time? What followed might suggest he did.

The Whitley fans were amusing, they indulged in some soft-southerner baiting, bigged themselves up like any good fans should and sung of nights out, ladies parts etc etc. In short, they were nice and balanced, as you’d hope, and their banter was on the humourous side.

Chertsey on the other hand ploughed a defensive, insecure and aggressive furrow all the way through. They had a ‘no one likes us’ song like Millwall, although why anyone isn’t supposed to like them wasn’t apparent until after they’d been singing about this and flat caps for 20 minutes. They came out with so many northern (and some not even remotely northern, or accurate) stereotypes we lost count – flat cap, ‘we pay your benefits’, ‘dirty northern bastards’, something about the council not knowing they were down here or something … and many, many more, repeatedly. Banter is all part of football and the blowing of trumpets in the Whitley keeper’s ear when he was taking goal kicks was highly amusing. But, after 20 minutes or so of the same crass, inaccurate and tedious stereotypes being trotted out, it was not banter, it was constant and aggressive badgering.

The lack of warming ale might have been a factor and my decision to drive, thinking it would be both quicker and a nice drive in our now repaired English sports car, was just folly. I was wrong on all points. The beer, the fayre, the temperature, the lack of football’s cognescenti, they all accentuated the fan-watching aspect of the afternoon.

Could someone please tell me why Chertsey fans have such a chip on their shoulder? Do they have a beef with Whitley that wasn’t obvious? Was it just that due to a Sunday game, Chelsea Village were missing their idiots?

The second half of the game itself was equally as close as the first, in general. Early on came the decisive moment. Hodgson, got entangled and arms flailed. He found himself having his name taken. He didn’t appear to have done anything but, possibly thanks to his previous, he was deemed the guilty party. This may or may not have been the case but a few minutes later his little first-half smiles and winks seemed to come back to haunt him again when, after apparently being bundled over for a clear penalty, the ref told him to get up, reached for his pocket, booked him again and told him to leave the field. Harsh

I hate to say I told you so but I told you so. It was distinctly unfair on Whitley but if you dance with the devil etc etc. For the remainder of the half it was still pretty even but honours should go to Whitley for managing about a half hour with a disadvantage and not really being troubled.

There were a few good saves by both keepers in the dying embers of normal time and again towards the death of extra time but for large periods of the first half of extra time Whitley were the better side. For the neutral, however, there were large chunks of this game where nothing happened.

So, what’s the conclusion then? I reckon I just saw the wrong game at the wrong time with the wrong accomplice. Not enough footy chat, not enough entertainment, slightly tedious crowd and the game affected by a poor reffing decision. And maybe all of this just made me a bit unreasonable and abit tetchy.

Full Time: Chertsey Town 1 Whitley Bay 1 TheRealFACupVase 0

Off to QPR v Ipswich tonight to either achieve the partisan feeling so lacking on Saturday or to try to be as objective again and see how rubbish the fayre actually is when watching my own team. Either way, sorry to Chertsey, although I suspect their brag of having super loyal fans will be sorely tested at Hillheads on Saturday for the replay. Attendance here: 617.

With the Real FA Cup now OVER, we must keep ourselves occupied with money, sorry, football. Fraudian slip there. But not in the last sentence. The Real FA Vase is born! Yay for the Real FA Vase! For this week, anyway.

So, where are we going and why. Chertsey and because they’re playing last year’s winners, Whitley Bay, who we missed seeing over Christmas thanks to the rubbish lack of heat and presence of hard floors.

OK, there’s a leap from Ipswich Town, the aforementioned money throwers, to Whitley Bay but there is tenuous relevance why I mentioned them at the head of this piece. Personally, the other half is from Whitley, hence the Christmas visit, and, secondly, Whitley’s finest recent FA Cup moment was a victory over Preston North End in the 3rd round in 1990. This weekend, Preston beat the aforementioned big spenders, Ipswich Town, of whom I have the misfortune to consider myself a ‘fan’. The circle of life is complete. More pertinently, that infernal bunch of overpaid, undertalented blue wearing annoyances are the main reason this website exists. Gah.

The truth is, the last time we went to Chertsey, the game was gash, they were gash and they lost to the rozzers and Simon entertained with some pig punnery. I say ‘we’ but ‘I’ missed that game so ‘I’ int bin. Innit. Chertsey of the Combined Counties have managed the QFs of the Vase twice.

Being the Southerner, I guess I should root for Chertsey but, hey, give me the choice and I’ll be like an England captain in a sweet shop. Whitley are at the same level of the pyramid but two time winners and current holders of the Vase. Quick question but why isn’t the trophy for the FA Vase, a vase?

So, this is going to be novel. Off out on the lash to a game of footy with the lady! First time ever! First time in the 11 years I’ve known her. It’s not that she doesn’t like footy, she does, I think. Although she is offended by the rewards thicko players get in relation to the ‘arts’ and is not a big fan of elements of some club’s support, she did once have a Reading season ticket, of all things. I am half expecting her to bottle it though. *waves* [she won't read this anyway]

Whitley are stumbling after the Christmas whiteout, the previous round being their only win in four games since the freeze. Chertsey on the other hand have only played 2 games in 6 weeks and they won both of them. John Pomroy has 7 goals in the Vase but will he add to them this weekend? Glancing out the window, this week seems to be getting frosty again so we’ll have to keep an eye out for cancellations.

Both of these teams are in the odd position of having good seasons, in the top 3 of their league but miles behind the leaders. Any interesting gossip on either team, Tweet us, add comments below or email us! Cheers.

Damon.

*I no longer despair, this turns out to be only rumour. Thank god. I’m not changing it though, unless some other teams spends a desperate amount of money …

Despite Chertsey’s good run and the fact we’re feeling dead Christmassy now, part two of our half term report continues with shuddering recollections of the stultifying tedium of the first ever Friday night game at Alwyns Lane. Sampled by just one regular realfacupster, Chertsey .v. The Rozzers of the Met bore all the hallmarks of classic lower league fayre. The game time changed, not on police advice but with police acceptance.  You couldn’t go much further up the pyramid and still find a game moved because one of the players was getting married on the Saturday, that stuff waits until the end of the season.  The game was, however, dire.

Chertsey though are full of Christmas cheer too now. Into the 4th round of the FA Vase, 3rd in the Combined Counties Premier League where the Curfews have lost just once at home and are on a run of 8 wins in 11. The Met, meanwhile, find themselves a bit more cheerless. They usually find themselves at the higher end of mid table in Ryman 1 South but this season they find themselves in the lower half having won just 2 of their last 10 games. One of their main problems of late has been scoring.  The talismanic Frankie Sawyer is still top scorer having rattled in 5 league goals from just 7 starts and 3 late surges from the bench during the early season.  However, Frankie left the club some months ago and they’ve struggled to score since.

The Met’s loss has been Dulwich Hamlet’s gain, although in terms of goals only very recently.  Sawyer left the Met to head up Champion Hill, where he has taken time to settle but has now got his first goals. Like the fuzz, Hamlet have a tendency to be at the business end of Ryman 1 South’s mid-table-ness but find themselves a little off the pace after an up and down first half to the season.

A few points above the Met, Gavin Rose’s new young team had a run of five successive draws in October that showed they were becoming difficult to beat but their 3 wins and 3 defeats since then suggest they haven’t quite got the hang of both preventing goals and scoring themselves in the same game. However, the high point so far is that two of those three wins have been in the last two weeks and Sawyer has started scoring.

The low point came in early November in the London Senior Cup when, at home to South Kilburn of the Hellenic League some 4 levels lower down the pyramid, Hamlet contrived to lose 2-1 in a game some at the club were calling their worst result ever.   Since though they have now finally won at home, which they hadn’t yet done this season and Rose is now talking of a promotion push. It’s a long shot because they are probably going to have to win 18 of their remaining 22 games to stand a chance.

Finally, we visited Sevenoaks’ quirky ground on the first chilly night of the year. We say chilly but the kind of chilly that requires a hoody, not the kind of chilly that currently grips the nation in it’s icy fist.  Sevenoaks lie 3^rd in the Bulmers Cider Kent League Premier Division but way off runaway leaders Faversham.  With the league position and Billy Shinners rattling in the goals at a heavy rate, it’s surprising that a town the size of Sevenoaks is attracting an average of just 64 paying fans per league game. That’s probably about a third of Hamlet’s who have far more competition for fans’ hard earned.

If you’re a fan of any of these teams and we’ve missed some notable yarns from the seasons, stick them in the commenst below or mail us. Next time, the first qualifying round.

According to one of the Police supporters, one of the Chertsey players is tying the knot tomorrow and has invited most of the team to the wedding so the club requested that the game be rescheduled for the Friday night. Despite the fact that this might be seen as an advantage to the Police team (due to their expected involvement in the Notting Hill Carnival this weekend), one of their fans told me that he thought they’d “been stitched up” in a situation reminiscent of a scene from The Bill.

Remarkably, the cost of a South West Trains ticket from Vauxhall to Chertsey was almost twice as much as I was charged to get in to the ground to see the game! I arrived in Chertsey with just enough time to avail myself of a fish and chip supper from the local chippie. The fish was outstanding but the chips left a lot to be desired. The ground, buried slightly out of the town centre of a very quiet Surrey town looks old, much of it in a poor state of repair. However, the bar was nice, despite the lack of an inside toilet! They also have a very passable main stand, from which I watched the first half.

A very turgid 45 minutes passed with little incident of note bar a yellow card for a lunging challenge on a Curfew player early on and some tedious midfield scrapping until the half was lit up by a superb run and shot from Andy Crossley in the Chertsey midfield. Collecting the ball just inside the Met’s half, he cut inside and dribbled the ball past 2 Policemen (probably) before shooting from the edge of the area and was extremely unlucky to see his shot rebound off the base of the keeper’s left post.

The 2nd half was little different from the first – precious few opportunities came the way of either team, despite some early sustained possession for Chertsey against their rivals from the division above. Just when they seemed to be building up some pressure on the Met defence though, the Police managed to create their first meaningful chance of the game. The ball came in from the right hand side and, after a goalmouth scramble, striker Frankie Sawyer lashed the ball into the net from 6 yards to the delight of the sparse collection of coppers and ex-coppers (I assume – surely no-one supports the Police except other Police?!) around me, one of which it turned out, was his Dad (Superintendant Sawyer maybe?). Later on, another of the Police fans told Sawyers’ father that it was “a great finish” which was over-egging the pudding somewhat, I felt.

The game meandered to a close in the end with Chertsey creating barely any chances to force a replay and the Police ran out 1-0 winners and will travel to Tonbridge to play the Angels in the next round. I’m sure there’s yet another Police joke in there about Angels but its late and I can’t, for the life of me, think of what it could be.

Simon