The FA Cup? We are. Of course. Naturally. It’s what we do. The World Cup was draining, not physically because we couldn’t get a game for some reason, but alcoholically it took us to the precipice, dangled us over the edge by the ankles and told us to act our age not our IQ.

So, after a couple of weeks R&R taking in some relaxing worldwide heritage sites, WE ARE BACK!

The 2010-11 FA Cup is imminent and is one of the oldest institutions in world football, 139 years old this year, so it is. It always used to be the highlight, and culmination of, the footballing season. Like Liverpool’s Premier League title chances, the FA Cup has seen better days and its relevance is now questioned in an age where pan-European club competition is de rigeur and the seemingly irresistible ‘glamour’ of the Premier League is like a gaudy pied piper for impressionable chavs. Or zeitgeisty, for the middle class. But we still love it, the FA Cup that is, because clubs don’t need a vast fortune to participate in it, fans don’t need to break the bank to follow it and it is as much about punching above your weight for as long as possible as it is about actually winning the thing.

It’s a long, long journey from start to finish though and 700+ clubs will slog it out this year. Our winners from last year were Aylesbury, they started at the start, they got 6 rounds in and played 9 games before being knocked out in the 4th Qualifying round. We did ponder starting there this year but such was their success they’re not even in the very first round this time! They kick off with the next lot at Preliminary Round stage, so we must choose another.

After mild consideration, some head scratching, looking at photos, taking hints and throwing numbers into a hat, we came up with Arundel v Hailsham Town. We’ve never been to Arundel but are acutely aware it is best known in sporting circles for its picturesque cricket pitch and matches between the Duke of Norfolk’s XI and various invitational sides.

Football fan’s friend, Google Maps, seem to suggest the football pitch is of equal quaint appeal and most suitable for summer afternoons. Also, friends of therealfacup leapt to assure us that it was a ground worthy of visit. Stuart Fuller nodded in appreciation while Danny Last got all misty eyed recalling his finest goal scored on that very ground. How could we turn it down when it had been bigged up so lucidly?

Of course, these early games are not well attended, not by the standard football measurement of thousands anyway. But for us this is part of the appeal. To be reading this you are, presumably, a football fan? For most of the next 9 months you’re going to be cold, possibly wet, sitting next to someone you hate and, result dependent, possibly miserable. The FA Cup detour is almost ‘no-lose’. You get to watch a lot of footy when it’s warm and sunny not restricted by seating, you don’t really care who wins, you meet some hard working folk who live for their local clubs, you don’t have to pay much to get in and, on the whole, you get to watch an entertaining game not stifled by fear of defeat.

I say you don’t really care who wins but, although we here at therealfacup try to be impartial, quite frequently partiality goes out the window mid-game. That said, so far, neither of us have been to either Arundel or Hailsham so they are level pegging. Arundel sounds nice, with a quaint river, some nice villagey pubs and it’s relatively easy to get to from London. Hailsham sounds less aesthetically appealing but not a steaming hovel.

As far as I can ascertain neither team has any direct or indirect footballing link to anyone who we have previously encountered or liked/disliked in football. Both teams are in the Sussex County League Division 1 so, on the surface, this appears to be a routine league game. Arundel beat Hailsham thrice last term but not by much although, perhaps ominously, prior to last year’s blip of 12th Arundel finished in the top 3 in three consecutive seasons. Hailsham didn’t, so it looks like the hosts have the recent form edge.

Neither team has exactly caused the FA Cup’s loins to stir. The hosts manage the 2nd Qualifying Round on occasion while the visitors have managed one round further on a couple of occasions. Hailsham had a purple patch in the late 80s/early 90s when they got to the 3rd Qualifying Round in successive seasons and the 5th round of the Vase.

A final thought is that you shouldn’t leave this game early to catch the train. Hailsham have apparently come back from 4-0 down in the FA Cup and imploded from 3-1 up to lose to our old chums Dulwich Hamlet so it aint over ’til it’s over.

Saturday August 14th 3pm at Arundel FC We have been told it’s £5 but that is currently TBC.

And while we’re here, why not have a squint at Non League Day. Get involved and remember (or discover) what else is out there when your allegedly BIG team isn’t playing.

OK folks, this season’s Real FA Cup is officially over. Curtains. The last non-league side is out … and few genuinely small clubs remain, in fact only Notts County really, if they still exist when you read this. We’ll keep an eye on the rest of the tournoi, and might even comment, but that is essentially it for us for this season so it’s time to find out who this year’s winners are and celebrate the season that was.

Winning is most definitely relative in our world, of course, but who are this year’s FA Cup winners? Well, we are, AHHHHH, as you good, good people have ‘hit’ us nearly 18,000 times since August! 400 of you even follow our additional ramblings on Twitter. And 1200 of you took the time to vote in our polls over the course of the season (yes, we’re surprised at that amount too), although in this round of voting most of you appear to have been Wealdstone or Ilkeston fans. Ah well, such is the problem with online Polls.

We wish we had some rosettes, a stage and a guest speaker for this bit. If we did, our rosettes would be blue, our stage would be at salubrious music venue the Borderline and our guest speaker would be Dartford’s Camp Café Host (see Darts/Clarets match report) LINK HERE

Best Player: This was a fairly well populated category, a number of players have caught our wandering and fickle eye. Sanchez Ming of Dulwich Hamlet was our MoM against Sevenoaks, although clearly not his manager’s as he only made the bench for the replay. Marcel Jones of Enfield 1894 impressed us against Broxbourne with his dancing feet. Jack King of Farnborough, Ryan Ashe of Wealdstone and Danny Forrest of Crawley all impressed with, respectively, their style, passing and energy. Actually, all of them could also get the nod for their shooting and reading of the game. Sam Duncum of Ilkeston deserves more than a mention for scaring the bejaysus out of Cambridge defenders, even when his team were second best for large chunks of the game.

For us, however, Danny Kedwell of AFC Wimbledon probably put in the best all round shift that we saw during the Cup run, rarely does one man’s performance and effort epitomise a team’s but his did. However, Danny only came third in the online poll while the winner garnered 52% of the vote to second place Sam Duncum’s 39%. The winner scored two cracking goals against then League 2 high flyers Rotherham and we’re overjoyed to announce that Wealdstone playmaker and all round good guy, Ryan Ashe, is the 2010 Real FA Cup Player Of The Season!

Best Game: This wouldn’t have been easy for us to choose because we saw quite a few good games, to be fair. Enfield and Broxbourne gave us some great passing that belied their status in the pyramid. Ashford Town (Middx) and Hendon served up a corking finale and penalty shoot out. Farnborough and Hastings was a great summery day out and quite a battle. Dartford and Chelmsford was a funny, drunken day out but with the added bonus of a cracking game, loads of goals and a ridiculous missed sitter. The aforementioned Danny Kedwell served up a treat at Kingsmeadow where Crawley should have been 2 goals to the good but then got humped by ten man AFC in the second half.

But the award goes to the team who managed to mobilise the most fans to vote, again, we said cynically but with tongue in cheek. It was a very decent game, it had a good atmosphere, it had as many fans as you are likely to see down the Vale, it had some cracking goals, a cameraman perched on the roof and a sublime chip from Real FA Cup interviewee and Player Of The Season, Ryan Ashe. What more could you want? A cupset would have been nice but let’s not be picky. 2010 Real FA Cup Game Of The Season is Wealdstone 2 Rotherham 3.

A few more esoteric awards before we go on. Best Ice Cream goes to Farnborough, so big we took a photo of it and it’s become our most linked-to photo via Google!?!? Best Miss goes to Rob Edmans of Chelmsford City, so bad we devoted a whole article to it. Best Burger was at Wembley FC, so cheap we thought it was wrong – and it was served by the oldest couple we’ve ever seen working a football tea bar. Fair play to you folks. Weirdest question goes to the hooded chav in Dartford who asked us if we were actors. Oddly, one of us is.

Best Ground: We have loved Dulwich Hamlet’s main stand and massive bar for a couple of years now, we enjoyed the ambience and tradition of Hampton & Richmond Borough’s quaint and homely patchwork stands (not to mention its local boozers) and we were intrigued by the big ideas of Farnborough’s electronic scoreboard and massive new stand. We were also baffled by Sevenoaks’ strange see through fence and overlooking hill that rendered paying entry almost pointless for anyone wanting to watch the game. We did pay, though. We foolishly left in an ‘other’ option on this vote and feared an influx of Wealdstone fans might swing this one too but, no, only the enthusiastic Ilkestonites chose to big up their New Manor Ground. But it wasn’t enough.

As a model of how to go about building a new non-league ground, it is our opinion that you cannot get much better than a ground that provides basic shelter for proles and toffs alike, has an iconic piece of artwork, a quote from Big Ron, a decent bar and a good view. The ground might have been built with a bit of money but the club and architects did not just go for size, they also made sure it packed in some enviro cred and some decent aesthetics for the whole crowd. The winner, of course, is the much vaunted Princes Park, home of Dartford FC. This would have been our choice too so congrats.

That’s three quarters of the Polls catered for, only one left. But there are a few other mentions we think are deserved. These are not necessarily teams who we’ve seen but teams who have been talking points in the wider football community over the course of the early FA Cup rounds. Firstly, we have to mention Paulton Rovers. They got a fair way in glorious fashion before serving themselves up as fodder for the Canary revival. Staines deserve a mention for running Millwall close and Northwich similarly for slaying Charlton. Both these teams provided some mid season cheer for fans and pundits alike. A final thought for Ashford Town of Middlesex who not only suffered the agony of FA Cup penalty defeat to Hendon but also suffering another shoot out defeat only a week later, grim!

There were also quite a few teams who went a long way, in relative terms. A few managed to play in 4 or 5 rounds of the FA Cup and, although there are a few teams who could better that in the continuing FA Cup, the odds on Leeds or Southampton getting to the semi finals are, we would have thought, fairly slim. The eventual winner of the FA Cup will have played in 6 rounds and it is well worthwhile putting the 6 round achievement in context. Two teams have already done that so, in all ways but lifting the actual cup or beating the best teams in the country, heh, two teams have already ‘won’ the Cup. Lowestoft Town started in the Preliminary Round and got to the 1^st Round proper for the first time in 32 years, where they only just lost to Wrexham. Belying the notion that the Cup is dead, Lowestoft’s attendances outmuscled their league attendances in every round except the Preliminary Round, a stage they’ve passed in 6 of the last 7 seasons so maybe the fans are getting a bit laissez faire about it. In the 3rd qualifying round they tripled their average attendance and it was around double for most of the run!

Actually, Lowestoft share this magnificent honour with another team who played in 6 rounds but this team played in more games and also have the distinction of being the last team to get knocked out who started right from the very start in the Extra Preliminary Round. This team didn’t really endear themselves to us early on – and indeed us to them. Firstly, we got them confused with the Mighty Ducks, our honest, careless, preview mistake. SORRY. Then we laughed at their central defender who had a hilariously bandaged head before the game had even started. During the game they were dogged but unconvincing and got out of jail with a barely deserved late equaliser. We then bottled traversing the Chilterns and the Aylesbury Vale to get to the replay, which we still regret.

Aylesbury started the FA Cup at the same time we did, at the very start, and got to the heady heights of the 4^th Qualifying round, so we now have a soft spot for them. They got further than any other team except Lowestoft and played 9 (Nine) games, which is unlikely to be beaten in this year’s Cup. As much as any team in this tournament will win the cup, Aylesbury can perhaps quantitatively say, they have already.

Most Helpful Club: This is perhaps a wishy washy award but also a qualitative counterpoint to the quantitative win of Aylesbury. Our winners here are a very lowly side but, before we get to them, a special mention must go to Howard Krais and Wealdstone, Andy Walker and Wembley and AFC Wimbledon. But, for amusingly pandering to our burgeoning ego by describing us as ‘media partners’, and for being encouraging, helpful and generous, this accolade goes specifically to Martyn Guest. and Richard Mann but more generally to BASILDON UNITED!

I am, myself, going to vomit as I tell you that all these teams, fans and players are WINNERS of this year’s real FA Cup. [wipes bile from lips] It’s true though, all of these things mean the Cup is great. They involve, largely, experiences we could not have had at Premier or Championship games, nor, most likely, at League 1, 2 or Blue Square Premier games. However, objectively, we have noted, you have voted and, overall, your team of the tournament winners are:

1. Wealdstone 53%
2. Aylesbury 27%
3. Lowestoft Town 7%
4. Forest Green Rovers 4%

That is more or less it from us on the FA Cup for this season, the ingrates of the top two tiers can have their version of the Cup, the one they think is devalued, the one they have devalued, yet the one they think they own. We say ‘they’ but it is also ‘their’ fans and the hacks who do it down. It’s also us and other fans. We all seem to moan about viewing unglamorous ties, yet fans don’t turn up when Premier Lge plays Premier Lge. Even when there is an upset these days (Reading over Liverpool, Leeds over Man Utd), the media emphasis is always on the failings of the higher team, it is very rare that the achievement of the underdog is celebrated. It MUST be the failure of the ‘better’ team.

As self-righteous and pompous as that most obviously is, without the teams from the top two tiers the Cup would arguably be nothing. They are the teams that the non-league teams strive to face. However, what THEY constantly forget is that without the little teams the FA Cup is just the Carling Cup – and THEY wouldn’t want that now, would THEY? Without the big boys the FA Cup is just the FA Trophy or FA Vase and the little guys wouldn’t want that, would they?

The Real FA Cup Awards 2010.

The Nominations Are: Click Link For All Polls

Best Player:
Sanchez Ming – Dulwich Hamlet
Marcel Jones – Enfield 1893
Ryan Ashe – Wealdstone
Jack King – Farnborough
Danny Forrest – Crawley
Danny Kedwell – AFC Wimbledon
Sam Duncum – Ilkeston

Best Game:
Broxbourne Borough V&E 1 Enfield 1893 4
Ashford Town (Mx) 2 Hendon 2 (9-8 on pens)
Farnborough 2 Hastings 1
Dartford 1 Chelmsford City 4
AFC Wimbledon 2 Crawley Town 1
Wealdstone 2 Rotherham 3

Best Ground: This one is not easy either.
Champion Hill – Dulwich Hamlet
Princes Park – Dartford
Beveree Stadium – Hampton & Richmond Borough

Most Helpful Club:
Wembley
Basildon United
Wealdstone
AFC Wimbledon
Sevenoaks

Team Of The Tournament:
Lowestoft Town
AFC Wimbledon
Tooting & Mitcham United
Aylesbury
Wealdstone
Enfield 1893
Forest Green

We’ve got our own ideas who should win but we want your suggestions too, we’ve been to lots of games but they are only a tiny fraction of games played.  So, leave comments here, email us at the address on the home page or Tweet us your opinion, we’ve already had a couple of suggestions …

Everton: Tweeter grandoldteam argued that the Toffees should win it “Because of our run last season (Liverpool, Villa, Man Utd en route…) only to fall at the last hurdle.” While we all would have fancied that being the actual result, it is still last season. Sorry, no.

Stoke City: Ilkeston Town fan @ilson_fan reasoned that the winners should be “Stoke. They beat York who beat Cambridge who beat the mighty Ilkeston so they must be REALLY good!”  That is compelling but we can’t have a Premier Lge team winning The Real FA Cup.

So what do we want you to bear in mind, who has been the nicest, most helpful club, who’s had the best team, scored the best goals, embodied the FA Cup spirit, had the best sense of humour, perhaps it was where you simply had the best day out, maybe it’s the team who has played the most games or got the furthest from where they started, or perhaps you think your local team should win?  Whichever of these is your reason, let us know and we’ll consider it.

Yes, we know that Forest Green are still in the Cup, we know there are some League 1 sides still in but they are going to have to go some to have the impact that some already have and, frankly, the mainstream coverage of the tournament is getting quite depressing. The Real has gone, hyperreal has arrived.  Obviously, we’re looking to our non-league followers to step up to the plate here but our short list is:

AFC Wimbledon | Aylesbury | Basildon Utd |Chelmsford City | Dartford | Lowestoft Town | Sutton Utd | Tooting & Mitcham | Wealdstone |

Who else should be on it – and why?

“What a f*****g spastic!” was a particularly inglorious shout from the frustrated touchline as W&F desperately searched for a deserved late winner. Not sure the vocal fan will be heading to Aylesbury for the replay on Tuesday, although to be fair I’m not sure the 8 (EIGHT!) therealfacupsters will be heading there either. A sunny Saturday of drinking in North London is a lot different to a cold autumnal Tuesday trip to Aylesbury for the replay.

Notable things about this day: Sulzeer. Is he? Cliches. 100mph. World of Kosher. Cabbies, grrrr. Subliminal clocks. Palm Trees (above). Tracksuit manager or suited manager? Very old man. Pointy foam hands. Cheeky ref.

Cunningly, W&F’s main stand appears to be part of the same building as the next door Rugby club’s main stand, they look like they were a built together as a job lot. As a result, the stand is oddly distant from the pitch and the club roll a cage out to create a tunnel across the tarmac and into the playing area. It’s a few years since I’ve smeared myself in Deep Heat but the memories of yesteryear focused as the players trooped down the ‘tunnel’ and on to the pitch. The smell was deafening. We’d barely finished our pre-match wonderment at what joys the advertised Kosher World had in store when Wingate & Finchley scored and then equally quickly conceded. 1-1 after 3 minutes. Aylesbury’s goal was a scrappy affair, bundled in, W&F’s was a pinpoint cross and header by no8.

After the early thrills the game settled down. W&F were easy on the eye while the Swans of Aylesbury were more ugly duckling, a bit more rural. When a centre half starts a game with a bandaged head, you get the impression he’ll not shirk. He didn’t, neither did Aylesbury, but they were largely second best in almost all departments except endeavour and goals.

I clumsily dropped my notebook and programme over the railings and on to the touchline. I was about to jump over and retrieve them but suddenly had the ludicrous image of being barred from football grounds for invading the playing area. A kindly sub saved me from a ten stretch in the big house and the unnerving possibility of having to remember things about a game in the middle of a drink fuelled birthday weekend.

Wingate’s centre back weaved Leboeuf-esque through the entire Aylesbury team before finally being tackled as he was about to breach his opposite number’s back line.

The Aylesbury gaffer was not impressed with his midfield and told them so. This gaffer was of the modern breed, sharpish suit, polished shoes, crisp and freshly laundered shirt. What sort of gaffer would you be? A frankly startling number of people believed the tracksuit manager was the way forward. What? Who wants to be Neil Warnock?! Ludicrous thought. The next thought was better. With all the gesticulating managers do, one of our number suggested they should have big pointy foam hands to help them get their point across.

After a timely challenge by a defender, a distant voice in the crowd shouts “We love you Neil”. This is followed by a Sid James cackle that reappears at various points throughout the game. But who is Neil? There’s no Neil mentioned for either team in the programme. I’ve just checked the respective websites and, aside from the fact that Aylesbury appear to have only 7 registered players, there is no one called Neil. Did I imagine this? I’m now questioning my sanity.

Half Time Wingate & Finchley 1 Aylesbury FC 1

A very engaging game, W&F should be in front but Aylesbury defended well and looked relatively dangerous on the break. From the club badge to the kosher ads, the star of david on the clock, the name of the stadium there are reminders of where Wingate came from. It is almost certainly the only football club named in honour of an eccentric Zionist who allegedly favoured tying a raw onion around his neck, upon which to snack when the mood took. What he would have thought about this posthumous honour one can only guess.

We moved round to the Harvey Ackerman Stand (right). The second half was a bit more even and W&F looked as though they might rue the missed chances as Aylesbury went close. That is, however, until a composed piece of play from no8 that saw him into the box, stop his run and place a shot across the keeper that went in off the far post (below, left). 20 minutes later W&F shot themselves in the foot again, although to be fair Aylesbury had improved and had several chances to equalise before the no3 did.

Sid James was at it in the main stand again as long balls went in to both boxes and he was joined by several of the home team’s supporters when an Aylesbury defender clearly stamped on a W&F forward. The ref got both barrels for his failure to deal with it and took the odd decision to vocally respond to some touchline grief. Is he supposed to do that?

In the last minute Wingate’s no10 wriggled into the box and looked set to seal the win until the keeper saved, the rebound fell to the no7 who really should have scored but put it too close the defenders who had tracked back and blocked it on the line.

Full Time Wingate & Finchley 2 Aylesbury FC 2.

Post match Simon popped in to the Boardroom to request some teamsheets but befriended the W&F chairman and had some biscuits. The vast majority of therealfacupsters then adjourned to watch Roy Keane applying for his P45 while Ipswich named their North Stand after his far more successful predecessor. Arsenal pulling out a very un-Arsenal performance. A very hot day.