Sutton United 0 Staines 1

Essentially, this game can be summed up in one word. Dull. More appropriately it can be encapsulated in a sentence. Staines scored in the first minute, there was a scuffle just before half time that resulted in red, the woodwork was struck and Sutton could perhaps have equalised. That’s yer lot.

Bye then. But, there’s something we meant to do a while ago and this affords us the perfect chance to do so. A Tale Of Two Uniteds by Jeff Perkins was handed to us in a brown paper bag (well, white plastic) by an undercover Sutton operative in exchange for good copy (not really, I still owe him a pint).

The book is a piece of history, your dad will remember it. It’s the story not only of the biggest game of Leeds United’s history against mighty Sutton in the 4th round of the FA Cup in 1970 but it is so, so much more. OK, like us, Jeff is quite probably not the most stylish or verbose writer you’ll ever read and, let’s face it, the story here is very niche. However, this is one of the most genuine books you’ll ever read. It is, on the whole a thoroughly engaging and heartfelt book. At times it dwells too much on minutae to be totally fluid but it is also a cracking document of not only a moment in time but the people involved in it.

The book, classically, sets the scene, leads up to the main event and introduces you to the characters through historical document and modern day interview. It uncovers the emotions experienced by the underdog protagonists and discovers what they went on to do afterwards. It draws you in to the world of the footballer, the non-league footballer and the fan.

Whether deliberately or by happenstance, what this book does beautifully is illustrate the VAST gulf between players of yore and today. It also hints at why these people played football for enjoyment, rather than pursuing fame or money. In short, it’s what non-league football was, and in some ways still is, about, in comparison to probably the best team in England at the time.

I was familiar with no more than a couple of the Sutton men, for they were men, involved but what came across was what you and I think when we play football. It’s fun, it’s a game.

As far we’re aware this book can only be obtained via the Sutton United website here – but, if anyone knows otherwise, please let us know.

A Tale Of Two Uniteds by Jeff Perkins £6.95

Fussball

We are all now polishing off our summer footballing aperitif, so it must be time for the starter course of the Extra Preliminary Round of the FA Cup. Woohoo. Back to our bread and butter of the real FA Cup, you’ll all be pleased to know, although we may yet have one last dip at a World Cup podcast.

The fixtures are out and the teams we followed last year all return to give it another shot. FA Vase holders and one of therealfacup favourites, Whitley Bay, kick off their tournament with a trip to West Yorkshire where they have distinct pyramid advantage over Liversedge. Their vanquished Norfolkian opponents at Wembley, Wroxham, face a tricky trip to Northamptonshire to meet Rothwell Corinthians.

A lot of the teams we saw at the back end of the season don’t join in for a wee while yet but there are few who have to kick off at the harsh start. Locally unpopular moneybags, Chertsey, will be tested by new Combined Counties peers Mole Valley SCR, about whom we know nothing. Yet. Valley boys Merthyr face a hefty schlep from South Wales down to Devon to face Willand Rovers and Sussex’s East Grinstead Town host a bunch of chaps called Holyport from the Hellenic League who are based in Maidenhead.

They of the pitch you can see from everywhere, Sevenoaks Town, travel round the M25 to visit Lingfield while Broxbourne make a similar trip round the northside of the orbital to pretty home counties stalwarts St Albans. Broxbourne’s nemesis in one of last season’s realfacup classic goal-fests, Enfield 1893, go west past the Ivinghoe Beacon to get to Tring.

It would be rude not to mention the place every team wants to get to at the end of all this, of course, and Wembley travel out to Essex to face the felllows from that most perennial start of bus-replacement services, Witham. Basildon beat Wembley last year and they head into London to face Essex Senior League champions Bethnal Green United. But we can’t really justify visiting any of these teams again so soon, can we?

So, where will we go first this year? Well, I (Damon) fancy a country-ish setting that isn’t a ludicrous distance from London but it remains to be seen whether Simon does and whether we do a vote like we have done in the past, we haven’t decided yet.

I quite like the idea of Dorking v Bracknell Town. Some nice boozers nearby and a little wine thing called Denbies for the ladies. Arundel FC assure us that their gaff is picturesque at this time of year, and it looks it, which is enticing. Our chums at The Ball Is Round appear to agree.

Closer to home, there’s Cockfosters v Hullbridge Sports. Leafy? Tick. On the tube? Tick. Lazy? Tick. No, it’s too close. Ditto Greenwich Borough, although they are playing Cartman and Kenny et al from South Park so the match report could be puntastic, much like Cockfosters in fact. Are the hosts firm favourites? Hard match? Limp performance … endless cliched and childish amusement. Sorry.

Hmmm … what to do. Maybe we should leave it until after the World Cup Final to decide. Or maybe y’all can suggest where me might alight? FACTS, people, give us reasons why we should go where!

Coaching in England has been taking a bit of a bashing over the last week or so.  Much has been made of Spain having 750 top notch (UEFA ‘A’ Grade) coaches while England can muster just 150.  If you drill down a bit, it gets worse.  It is claimed that there are 35,000 UEFA ‘B’ & Pro coaches in Germany, 24,000 in Spain and a whopping 2,800 in England!  When you consider the latter two countries populations are 45million and 51 million respectively, you can see Soho Square might have a problem.

The Times (thanks for stats Mr Dickinson, I would link to your piece but the Times won’t let me, even though I bought a copy of the paper) the other day published a similar article drawing comparisons with the emergence of a youthful and skilful German team and Gab Marcotti (today, see previous brackets) noted the visible, accessible and approachable big wigs from the German and Spanish FAs in contrast to the invisible Englanders.  The Germans have got it going on but may not yet achieve so I’m going for the Spanish angle, they are an already established national football power and their squad is perhaps closer in age group to England’s.

As I said above, the two nation’s populations are not too dissimilar, so who is employing these coaches? The answer in England appears to mostly be the big clubs, some Championship clubs, the FA and a handful of academies or private enterprises across the country.  In Spain there appears to be fully-fitted, shiny turbo diesel coaches as far as the eye can see, all the way from high schools through to the two superpowers of Spanish football.

Some of our Spanish readers will know more about this than I but it is fairly obvious that the spread of Spanish coaches is thicker and the vast number of qualified people surely allows them to identify earlier when a player has real potential.  Although fairly self evident, at every level from school, to youth to reserve to lower league and to the full first team of the best clubs in the country, there is someone qualified to identify, nurture and grow a player.  In England, those people are thinner on the ground so, it would be follow that many a good player slips through the net, stagnates or leaves football altogether.

To illustrate this fairly flimsy hypothesis there are some genuine facts, though.  Spain’s World Cup squad includes 20 players who come from all over Spain but came through the youth ranks (or joined before aged 17) of just 5 teams, Barca, Real, Sevilla, Valencia and Athletic Bilbao. Oor was it Madrid?  I forget now, quality research!  These players were, therefore, either identified for greatness between the ages of 10 and 14 or were caught by the time they were 17. Just 3 players came through from elsewhere and those teams are all top flight here-and-theres, Espanyol, Sociedad and Osasuna.

England, on the other hand, have just 15 from the academies of five clubs – West Ham, Forest, Liverpool, Spurs and Leeds. They are all fairly big names but, with the exception of Spurs, they are not exactly setting the world alight at present.  More strikingly though are some of the teams whose youth ranks some of the others players have come from – Watford, Luton, Brighton, Leicester, Norwich and Shrewsbury.  This sounds good and varied and is in part down to the FA guidelines on youth players and ‘local clubs’.

Is this rule any good? Well, it protects invests by local clubs and ensures it’s difficult for the big boys to snaffle up young talent.  In Spain however, if Barca come sniffing, you can legitimately up-sticks and head off.  For English youth in areas with so few class coaches, this might be a problem. Hence teams seek youth from the continent – a ewll documented topic others have broached better than I could. Maybe the English way lacks foresight?

The next piece of ‘evidence’ is, on the surface, a bit odd.  And I might be facetious now too.  Compared to Spain, about double the number of current England players were spotted early had played for their country at U16 level.  That surprised me, although on the face it it would imply that the England hierarchy got the wrong players, or have subsequently ruined them or had them ruined by others.  There are an almost equally high number of players in the England squad who had represented their country at U18 and, although the fact that very few did so at U17 might seem slightly strange; England’s U17 team has rarely been taken seriously.

The above is not very revealing except perhaps the final bit.  This is especially the case when you note that the U19 and U20 sides are also very infrequently fielding teams.  Now, here we might have something.  If you look at the Spain squad all of them have played for a year group on or before U21 and the vast majority of them have got a number of caps at most, and some cases all, levels from U15 to U21.  England’s squad have a lot of U16 caps, a fair few U18 caps and a good number have played for the U21s, there is almost nothing for U15, U17, U19 or U20.

This phenomenon means that, in their developmental years, English players often are bunched together more frequently with players outside their age/development/size bracket, both at international level and, subsequently, at club level.  This can mean they are either thrust higher too soon or held back too long.  And this treatment of players in wider age groups makes it easier to see why the old English phenomenon of the bigger lad progressing at the expense of the talented lad might actually be happening.  This is not ubiquitous, of course, but just more prevalent in England, so we have a few good players but not a squad crammed full of them.

But why are there not a great deal of U17, U19 and U20 teams?  Why are academies often structured to span two years in one age group?  Indeed, why have Mansfield just shut their whole academy?  [It’s a good job Nottingham is fairly nearby or the kids of Mansfield might have literally no access to good coaches.] Do we not enough money for coaches? There’s plenty of money to throw at the national stadium and manager.

The by-product of the national regime neglecting some age-range teams is that club teams have a similar regime.  The Spanish approach sees players, on the whole – but certainly not exclusively – have a more gradual physical and football development against and with players of their age, on a year-by-year basis.

What does all  that above mean?  In Spain you can look at it two ways.  Firstly and simplistically the big five, or more pertinently big two, Spanish sides have the benefit of no restrictions on movements of the talent available.  For sure.  Secondly, the amount of qualified coaches in Spain means there’s a country-wide network that ensures talent can be identified and nurtured up a pyramid with the national team at the top and the big two as the second level, with everyone else in between.  In truth, it’s probably a bit of both but the number of Spaniards in the aforementioned five club (four of whom are arguably Spain’s ‘Big 4’) sides is considerably higher than the number of Englishman in the top five English club sides

So, were the English national teams cut because there weren’t enough coaches or was there simply not enough money to run these teams?  Or did a dictat from on high say these teams were not necessary?  Anecdotal evidence suggests the UEFA B courses (or higher) are widely available in England, there are people who are qualified to do the jobs but the jobs are not necessarily there or are insufficiently well paid to take.  I am aware of a number of instances of English coaches gaining the UEFA B licence, not being able to get a job and emigrating to either the US or Australia where such bits of paper are deemed important and the prospective coach is offered a salary more in keeping with the work put in. Oddly, this talent drain was evident in the 1920s and 30s, as Jonathan Wilson so brilliant documents in ‘Inverting The Pyramid’.

You only have to look on unofficial club forums, sports management blogs or just comments at games to know that one reason for the dearth of jobs, once qualified, is that the ex-pro is favoured very much over a better score on a piece of paper.  There are people out there with UEFA B licences or higher with either no jobs to go for, or such poorly paid ones that it is not worthwhile to either carry on in England or carry on in football?

To me, it looks like either the football clubs are going about things all wrong or the FA’s distribution of funding is insufficient/awry – and Wembley looks increasingly the folly it was destined to be.  Or maybe the Premier League clubs are favouring jobs for the boys over good qualifications and are simply not employing enough qualified coaches.  Even if all the elite coaches in England were in the Premier League, that’s only on average 7 per club.  Each club presumably having 30+ pros and 15-20 players at various ‘youth’ levels.  That’s still not too many coaches to go round and they obviously aren’t all employed in the Premier League.

So, the FA haven’t got enough money then.  Why not?  Well, the aforementioned stadium and series of national team managers doesn’t help. Also, their ‘A’ list product was stolen from them by a select band of clubs who wanted more of the pot to themselves.  Funding for the national teams and national game was immediately slashed for the profit of the few, whose profits went through the roof courtesy of the Murdoch dollar.  ‘Oh not again’, I hear you say, ‘he’s going to bang on about Sky!’. OK, I won’t, but it isn’t as if it’s not blatantly factual.

It is easy to blame the FA because they are having their power and finances eroded by the Premier League, they shoot themselves in the foot regularly, the Premier League blames them for everything and the tabloid media lap it all up creating the image of an incompetent behemoth boys club.  This may not be entirely untrue but it is also unfair on the vast majority of people who have the FA as their overarching employer and who strive with scant funding or reward.

FA revenues are of course now solely gained from lower tier football they cannot afford to run properly and a national team that is suffering because the rich clubs are not pumping enough, either financially or ethically, back in to the football economy in order to replenish their product with new players to keep it going.  The Premier League are, arguably, a pawn in this too because the players have so much power, perhaps courtesy of J.M.Bosman.  So, in short, the England team is suffering because of the players within it, the clubs for whom they play, the banner under which the learned their trade, the people who broadcast their games and the people who watch them. Yes. You. And me.

England, as a national team, is therefore pretty much fucked unless the whole country takes a very good look at themselves and shapes the fuck up. I have my mirror and have removed my finger from my arse. Where do you want me, Mr Capello?

This week, Damon, Bruno, Taylor and Cockles are joined by mate and Kiwi fella Jeff ‘Jiff’ Rodway. [raw feed link here]

This week’s episode features a round up of the games that had been played at the time, instant reaction to France, South Africa.  See if we called Germany and Ghana correctly and how we think the Kiwis will get on today. The regular well of amusement that is ’Call My Fact’ runs a little dry but there is still room for The Bard, Ilunga Mwepu, Alf Di Stefano, Mark Knofler, Mark Bresciano and some coach theft.  The Grand Feature of Underdog, will obviously Feature The New Zealand lions who held Italy last week. Media Watch features Chris Waddle but is very brief.  No word from Nick in South Africa just yet but we’ll be hearing from him in the next episode.

We again try, and partly fail, to not talk too much about England and predict the qualifiers – of which we definately got Germany right. Wow! Insight.

Thanks for listenng/reading.

Nick’s blog last Seat On The Plane
Cockle’s blog Half Time Whistle

Well, it would seem this tournament has seen a bit of a shift in attitude towards the players and it will continue to do so while they continue to stumble.

Broadsheet, if not quite tabloid, opinion appears to be moving towards vilifying the ring leaders in this pathetic England team.  The general consensus being, ‘oh stop making excuses and grow a pair, you overpaid sensitive nancy boys’.  For too long now these pampered half-people have been blaming others or searching hard for excuses with which to pass off their failure and in doing this seem to forget that the fans expeect glorious failure but would rather avoid weak-willed, submission, lack of application and competence.  The players milk goodwill, act with wilful self interest and, astonishingly, also with excessive arrogance and delusion.

‘Clear the air talks’?  You’re presumably having a laugh?  The only air that really needs clearing is the hot stuff that emanates, permanently, from every robotic member of this bloated, media trained whiny squad.  There is something to be said for ensuring all England players are ‘in a good moment’, as Fabio might say, but there is a line where good preparation becomes pandering to their every whim.  This pandering is what they get day in / day out at club level and that clearly turns affable young men into monstrous sulking ogres with a whole bag of frozen Iceland chips on their shoulders.  It is never their fault, at club level it is always the ref, the opposition, bad luck, the fans getting on their backs etc etc.

The Premiership player is not programmed to accept responsbility, there are almost no consequences to even the worst actions. These delicate little flowers (delicate when it suits them, that is) want to talk and have their point heard, which is fine but the talk is cheap, it is rarely backed with action. And the talk of the England squad member is the most bargain bucket of any footballer at the bst of times.   As Rooney, seemingly now the second or third most deluded of these pound shop moaners, showed how completely out of touch he now is by complainaing of boos after the Algeria game.  Is it impossible for such cosseted individuals to accept or understand the reasons why they are booed?  As has been pointed out by many better commentators than I, they were booed because a lot of people had spent a lot of money and taken a lot of holiday to watch these players have a decent tournament, in line with expectation.  They don’t expect this bunch of players to win the World Cup but they do at least hope highly paid and trained professionals, who perform brilliantly for club, can manage the simple tasks like effort and competence.  The vast majority of England’s team have, seemimgly, been unable to.

But yet, we know, of course, that none of this failure is the footballer’s fault, we don’t understand. Outwardly they talk the talk but it’s what they have been told to say. The extra stuff that leaks out gives them away.  Excuses excuses, always the same.  First it was the altitude, then it was the ball, then it was press intrusion, now it’s when the team is picked and how it’s picked and how they train – allegedly.  Sorry chaps, it may well, minutely, be some of those things but it can’t be the manager’s methods.  After all, throughout qualifying, when you were winning, you loved them, he was a breath of fresh air, you loved the discipline of knowing who was boss.  Remember? He is doing very little different now.

I am uncertain how any of these factors can explain how Rooney goes from being a player with the best touch in England to a player unable to control the simplest of passes. I do know that the carping is endemic and must stop in order for anything t improve. Part of me hopes that England get knocked out on Wednesday, celebrating the success of this bunch of ingrates would require serious compromise.  At least if they get knocked out Fabio will resign and then unleash almighty vengeance by exposing the ludicrous demands, expectations and fragile egos of this hapless bunch of cuntbeaks.

Will it change anything? I suspect not but it might lead to more of a tabloid swing towards blame of players, rather than the likely Bolognese Head that will appear when we lose.  Fabio, like many of his immediate predecessorsget somne flack for the eneormous pile of cash they get to manage an international team. They clearly have to, it’s danger money in order to soften the blow of having to with these egomaniancs.

Like Fabio’s, the management style of the last three or four England managers has come under the spotlight after perceived player criticism.  Given the vast majority of those managers had a decent record one can only assume some other force is at play, maybe the players are not as good as they think they are or the FA is constantly employing the wrong men.  The latter is feasible but both Sven and Fabio were internationally renowned.  The former, however, is quite clearly a trend.  It’s funny that the same core of twats keeps having issues with managers’ style but yet only when they aren’t winning.

As is becoming the pattern, the players are now taking stick for being useless and they’ve clearly decided to castrate themsleves with the reason that it is because Fabio picks his team too late.   Much is made of the courage of the English footballer but it’s rarely in evidence in psychological terms in an England camp.  Long gone are the days when Psycho or Butcher (or even beckham!) will step up and take the lead by example.  This courage may sometimes manifest itself physically but where are the genuine guts, where are the massive cojones, where is the self respect, where is the pride?  There was very little of it on show in the last week.

Do we really want England to win the World Cup?  Can we really celebrate this bunch?  All will be forgotten of course, in that event, but the core of this team can easily be perceived as rotten.  John Terry, Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard,  Ashley Cole and Wayne Rooney keep having the same old problems, it is becoming increasingly clear the people with the problem are the players and not the manager, or the ball, or the altitude … It is not even necessarily because they aren’t good enough, which they might not be, it’s simply because they are maladjusted young men who have been almost dehumansied by their clubs, the big clubs.  They are insufficiently balanced human beings and cannot cope with this scenario.

In my eyes, the only way to  change this is for Premier League managers to stop pandering to these millionaires, stop making excuses for them, stop protecting them in the face of the obvious error. Well, given that the manager is always the one who get’s the owner’s blame for failure, i can’t see why the player would take any notice o fthe manager so it has to come down to the owner. Except he’s not English, has lot sof money invested and wants blood, he doesn’t give a shite.

——————–

In a short postscript I would just like to bash my usual target.  You’ll notice that it’s not just Terry and England in this tournament.  Deco’s had a pop at Key Hair Osh.  Anelka has clashed with Domenech … OK, Domenech is bonkers and Blanc was perhaps foollishly named his successor before this tournament began but he is still the manager and, whether you like him or not, presumably you have some professional pride and actually want to win the World Cup?  Or maybe not. My point being that these players all play for the same club team. And, talking of Terry, is this man the most deluded of all?.  Stripped of the England captaincy for nailing the mother of team mate’s child, he think he’s the obvious choice of leader to lay down a challenge to the England manager. He’s the manager John, do as you’re told and get on with it or go home.

Anti-Modern-Football.

Ballon D’Air

Seriously, why has this World Cup failed to ignite. We’ve had a few half decent games but, on the whole, and particularly at altitude, there have been passes going astray, control has been lacking, keepers have been fumbling and row Z has been employed so many times I’m wondering if the players are being paid to shoot so the second tier sponsors get more of a look in.

The teams to impress, relatively speaking, thus far have been Germany, Chile, South Korea, Mexico and Argentina. But why so few? Well, New Scientist ‘boffins’ reckon that above 300m the available oxygen reduces incrementally and over 500m it starts to become noticeable. The body needs oxygen to function and getting less of it means it don’t work so well.

Once you pass an elevation of 1000m a 14% performance drop can be expected and six of the venues are above this elevation, with most being considerably higher. Another stadium is at 700m and only three are at sea level so, in a high percentage of games, altitude will have a negative effect on physical and motor performance and it will reduce brain function, which can affect reaction times. The final point being relevant because, with reaction times reduced, the air pressure and density actually increase the speed of the ball and affect its flight so it moves quicker and at a different angle.

One of the key comments from the New Scientist is about the pace of the ball. Their calculations suggest that when struck from the edge of the area, as a player would normally strike it, the ball would reach the goalkeeper two ball widths sooner than they are used to. It’s not just keepers though, the strikers or long ball teams will have to hit the ball with less force for it to go the same distance and at the same angle of elevation, or perhaps even in a different arc. So long passes and shooting will have to be tempered and adjusted accordingly, which will take time.

This could be a recipe for some calamitous moments and we have already seen some keepers fumble, shots not dipping as soon as the striker would like and the regular sight of forlorn forwards pulling up short, knowing they won’t reach that long ball over the top of the defence. We have also seen some poor control of medium range passes, presumably because the ball has reached players sooner than they would normally expect.

The final point the eggheads make is not the altitude per se but the change in altitude. Players bodies will not be helped by moving from higher to lower altitude repeatedly, which is going to happen to every team at this tournament. So, while problematic this altitude issue is perhaps not unfair because eit will affect everyone.

 Players from countries with grounds at altitude should come to terms with these factors more easily than others and teams that pass short and in a measured way will also benefit. Earlier I noted a few teams who, by common consensus, have turned in decent performances to date and, of those, Chile, Mexico and South Korea have a number of players who have played at altitude at least a little bit in recent times. Importantly, they are perhaps at least used to the transition between high and low altitudes over a period of time.

This experience is less the case with Argentina and Germany but they, on the whole, played with a range of short passing. Argentina though did have moments against Nigeria where they were not in control so it could well be that the technical gifts of their players are simply greater. Chile played well at altitude and, although they were the better side, the Hondurans coped quite well too, as they should do with a number of their players being used to altitude as well.

The opening game was a decent one and was played 1700m up at Soccer City in Johannesburg by the Mexicans and the home team. Both should be comfortable or used to playing at altiitude. South Korea played well at sea level, as did Germany. Both Chile and Honduras made a very decent fist of their game at 700m in Nelspruit, with the former perhaps coping better but mainly because they are a better side. Both teams do have players with altitude experience.

Argentina, though, also performed well, despite being 1.7km up in the clouds. This is slightly odd because their team included a lot of European based players who would not necessarily be used to playing at altitude, although a lot of them would have some experience due to the South American qualifying group having a lot of high national stadiums.

There is however, another factor and that is the new Jabulani ball. The ball is said to have a significantly reduced amount of drag due, Adidas claim, to being more perfectly spherical than any other ball in history. They claim it’s flight is truer, it’s weight is less and it will, therefore, travel further in less time – so with greater speed. Altitude, air pressure and density will accentuate the properties of this new ball. And, being a new ball, the vast majority of teams are not used to it.

The ball factor is maybe notable because, despite playing at sea level, the Bundesliga players in the German team, of which there are many, have been using this ball for a season. In this context, the short passing of the German’s game would appear appropriate and the power Lukas Podolski got behind the ball while still keeping it low all indicates they have become accustomed to it.

 Similarly, while we noted that many of Argentina’s players were not necessarily used to playing at altitude, they have also had regular use of the Jabulani ball. It has to be said that while Mexico and Argentina had the better of their games, their opponents were not completely out of it and it is wort noting that both South Africa and Nigeria had experience of the Jabulani at the African Cup of Nations in January.

Another anomaly is that, despite conceding and failing to score, Spain actually played quite well against Switzerland without either scoring, winning or playing at altitude. However, it is notable that they controlled the game against much weaker opposition anyway by use of short passing. However, when it came to the final, longer ball or shot, they were as woeful as everyone else. Given the game was not played at altitude one must pose the question whether the ball was an issue?

While Germany managed the ball well, not at altitude, Australia were not used to the ball and were gulity of much longer, failed passing and shots they struggled to keep in the ground. Thanks to experience of the ball, Podolski’s goal in that game, therefore, seems less of an anomolay unless you look at the way it went in. It absolutely flew in, as if it were at altitude but Lukas new to keep the angle lower than everyone else. Also, Schwarzer appeared to react as he normally would yet the ball still arrived at him several ball diameters sooner than he was able to react to and flew off his hand and in.

So, the upshot is, playing at altitude affects physical and mental performance a little, the ball moves quicker in normal conditions, some games at altitude will accentuate that further and the constant change in altitude will affect players ability. In conclusion, it is to be expected that there will be more mistakes than usual, more shots not hitting the target, more goals borne out of mistakes and an overall package of poorer games that we will call a World Cup. We could say well done FIFA here, sarcastically, but we won’t, we’ll toddle off to Oddschecker, look at the upset bets and try to win some money.

New Scientist Article Here

This week, Damon, Bruno, Taylor and Cockles are joined by Veld-bound Nick. [raw feed link here]

As well as the regular amusement of Call My Fact and the bile filled hole that is Media Watch, we ramble on about SWEAT, Peter Drury, Scotland, Ryman Smeltz, the People’s Johnson, April 25th, reportage from 50s America, Weiss, Dunga Style, Corden and the games so far.

We try, and partly fail, to not talk too much about England and predict no riot for Brazil as we feature The Democratic People’s Republic intriguing samba clash. No animals were hurt, we love Gabbies Logan and Clarke and Taylor gets VUVU’d for more contentious comments.

One thing we DON’T mention is ITV HD, we wanted to but it’s passed now, let it lie, it’s already been said.

Next week we’re focusing on the Kiwis, with a bit of luck they’ll still have an outside chance of progression. If there’s anything you Kiwis want discussing, just drop us a line here, on the Twitter feed or at TheRealFACup Facebook page.

Apologies for the burst of excitement at about 40 minutes, we advise you turn the volume down until we can resolve the issues.

Thanks for listenng/reading.

Nick’s blog last Seat On The Plane
Cockle’s blog Half Time Whistle

TOMMY.

And NEW ZEALAND. And here’s to hoping that Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen will have their sarcastic comments rammed forcibly where it’s cloudy. Although why hansen feels so able to comment given his team aren’t there, we don;t know. Unless, of course, he is now a nationalised Englishman?

And North Korea, although they stand next to no chance, presumably.

Image courtesy of TWTD

Well, maybe, but it was an amusing night so where to start … ? After four games of relative calm, a bit of banging on by Beglin and some old fashioned stereotyping from Mick ‘naive defending’ McCarthy, we get ITV HD ground zero.

But, before that, let’s go straight to Corden. I like Gav&Stace but I’m not a fan of the big lad when he’s on panel shows but, to be fair, neither he nor Simon Cowell were the problem with this show. Katy Perry, eh, whose bright idea was that? And Abby Clancy? What the fuck? What sort of insulting cult sticks Gordon Banks and Adam Johnson with these vapid tit-sticks? Though I did like that bloke out of Hollyoaks staring with hollow, dead eyes at the back of Banks’ head whenever he said anything. Weird.

Cowell is big enough and showbiz enough to deal with it, which he did admirably, and even came out of it with some cache. But the first 10 minute of that show will live long in my memory as the most buttock clenching TV since that one time I watched Jeremy Kyle.

I hope Banks and Johnson have sacked their agents.

Now, ITV. In our preview we sarcastically referred back to the Everton debacle, the one where they went to an ad break and missed the goal and the only bit of entertainment of note in a fairly dour game. Well, we joked that we hoped that wouldn’t happen again but, 4 minutes into the very first England game, ITV HD viewers were treated to the sponsor’s [I'm not naming them] shit and then a blank screen. The blank screen was, presumably, where someone was frantically trying to retrieve the situation and then realised England had scored so went all Robert Green, pressed ‘CUT’ and prepared themselves for a lynching.

Adrian Chiles to his immense discredit mumbled a quarter apology about viewing problems. I wonder if the directors told him the full nightmare scenario? Given most pubs would have been viewing in HD I am guessing a lot of people missed the goal. It was funny when it came back and it took a few seconds for someone to realise it had become 1-0.

There was an oddly muted cheer before half a dozen blokes started to spew forth the bile in the general direction of Adam Crozier and then descend in to fits of laughter. And don’t even get me started on Tyldesley, he must have been watching a different game for about the first hour so erratic where his utterings.

Then we noticed Henry Winter’s tweet: “In with #England coach Capello…not showing much awareness of enormity of result…”. Enormity? What enormity? Earlier, Henry said “Heskey helped make Gerrard’s goal but little else.” What game had this man been watching? Have you been on the sauce, Henry? A new low for the once great man.

What a classy way to end the day. All afternoon we’d been treated to some great shots of Maradona, finger pointy goal celeb, shouty shrugs at officials and rotund pleasure at full time. And all in glorious beardocolour.

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Addendum.
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I forgot about the eyebrows. Man, the eyebrows. During the BBC highlights package the MOTD team seemed to be controlled by experienced puppeteers. Eyebrows up, eyebrows down, someone with skill needs to edit it together to the Can Can.

Lee Dixon had had his shaved off, Hansen had gone for the kind of Hitler Moustache halfbrow shave and Big Al and Smooth Gal just upped and downed like a dog’s back leg. Most odd. And Becks with his Roger Moore eyebrow-up look topped it off. Top notch facial wizardry gets the Beeb crew the Weekend Pundit Gold Star.