Until a fortnight ago, Dulwich had scored in every one of their home league games this season.

Until Saturday, Dulwich had not been beaten at home in the league.

In an effort to increase the quality of the photographs available on this website and to try and avoid too many entries on Crap Photos of Non-League, my other half bought me a better camera for Christmas. In all the years of doing this blog, I’m yet to get a passable photo of a goal actually happening so my hopes were high as I trundled along to Champion Hill to see them take on fellow high-fliers Bognor in a top-of-the-table Super Saturday clash earlier this month. The game finished 0-0.

It was the first time Dulwich had played out a 0-0 draw at home for around 3 years so you’ll forgive me for feeling at least a little responsible.

I’m not a man of superstition though (I am) so there’s no way they’d fail to score two games in a row, especially when faced with mid-table mediocrity in the form of Godalming Town.

2.45pm. That was the time at which I left my house to get to the game. I love non league football.

Initial signs were good – Dulwich were playing their usual brand of free-flowing, passing football and chances were coming at nice, neat, regular intervals. New camera at the ready, it was surely only a matter of time? The Godalming goalkeeper had other ideas though. None shall pass.

At half time, I devoured Bovril. I love Bovril. I also moved to the other end of the ground and decided to take up a position in the stands for a bit of elevation on the shot of the eventual goal for the home side. Dulwich had other ideas.

Midway through the second half, Godalming broke away and scored. I missed it. I was at the other end.

Dulwich had no other ideas. They’d tried everything. Oh, there was huffing. There was even a bit of puffing. But houses were not in the mood for being blown down. And they lost. 0-1.

It can’t be me, can it? It can’t be.

I’ll be back.

Just ask Bognor.

2 points clear at the top and preparing for Ryman Premier League status going into the last game of the season, they contrived to draw 1-1 away at Chatham Town, allowing the Met Police to steal (ahem) the only automatic promotion spot by a single goal on goal difference. Three days later, the West Sussex side were unceremoniously dumped out of the play offs in the semi final by Dulwich Hamlet – a team that finished an incredible 31 points behind them.

But then again, just ask Dulwich.

When we visited Champion Hill back in early April, the motivation was a chance to enjoy some football in the sun rather than an opportunity to view prospective promotion candidates. They were sitting mid table as usual, apparently too far from the play-off spots to care about a 2-1 home reverse against Worthing. But a spectacular collapse by those above, a few wins on the trot and a neat 2-0 away victory at Walton & Hersham on the last day enabled Hamlet to light up (bear with me, the puns may well remain at this tortured level for some time) their fans’ season and earned them a spot in the play-offs. The aforementioned victory over those with the crushed spirits on the South coast offered a one-off chance for promotion which could never have seemed possible a few weeks ago.

We do try to maintain some level of journalistic even-handedness at the games we attend. But the Hamlet are our local side and for once, I think we can be forgiven for siding with those in pink and blue.

There are those (us included, at times) who think that the play-offs are not a fair way to decide who is promoted after a season of effort but few can deny the regularity with which they provide genuine drama and excitement for both the die-hard fans and the neutral alike. Today was to be no exception.

A visit to what was billed as “the best pub in Leatherhead” left me wondering what the alternatives were like after my “Spicy Nachos” turned out to be Doritos laced with gallons of tomato ketchup but this was soon forgotten as we approached the Tanner’s Fetcham Grove stadium to be greeted with something which warmed our hearts after some paltry attendances earlier in the season. A QUEUE!

The sun was out, Leatherhead hadn’t graced the division above for 28 years and the fans were actually having to queue up to gain access to the ground. Joyous.

Fetcham was a new ground for us and it fits the bill – decent bar, nice setting, some proper stands and an excellent raised grass bank around two sides of the pitch from which to view the entertainment. And entertainment really was the correct word.

The home side looked far better than the Hamlet early on but it was the visitors that took the lead after 20 minutes through Gary Drewett. They doubled their lead a minute before half time as we made our way round the pitch in the direction of the bar – Vernon Francis hitting a shot on the turn and celebrating in fine style in front of us.

Dulwich’s confidence was growing but they were pegged back just before the break by a superb Greg Andrews shot from the edge of the box. 2-1 to the Hamlet at half time and this was developing into a very decent game.

Despite the scoreline, Lev Red (as the home fans seemed to think they were called) were certainly giving Dulwich some problems and it was somewhat of a surprise when the two goal advantage was restored by Drewett early in the 2nd half. As the game wore on, it was Dulwich that looked more likely to score and the away fans were beginning to celebrate. How had they managed to even be here in the first place? It was truly staggering and led me to curse them using the Power Of Twitter.

At 16:40, I wrote

I think dulwich are actually gonna do this. amazing.

A few minutes later, Lev Red were level. I blame myself. Actually, that’s not quite true – my friends blamed me. Which was nice.

A lengthy stoppage or two earlier in the game had meant that there were to be 9 minutes of injury time. Kev Terry put one in with 7 minutes to go and, as the game dragged on into the night (it seemed) he bagged another to even things up.

By 5 o’clock, people were beginning to wonder what was going on. “Has the ref just gone straight on into extra time?” was one confused utterance from one of the Dulwich supporters behind me in the Bernard Edward Stand. Eventually, the man in black did bring an end to things and we were to be treated to another half an hour. A few minutes before, Dulwich must have been wondering how they would fare in the division above. Now they were heading for extra time with their heads hanging and the home crowd more excited and vocal than ever.

There was to be no fairytale comeback. We’ve all seen these type of situations before. Terry completed his hat trick in the first half and, despite some frantic goalmouth action in the last minutes, the Tanners won 4-3 and next season will play in the Ryman Premier for the first time since 1983.

At the final whistle, fans streamed onto the pitch in celebration. Even the man on crutches managed to scramble over the wall to join in with the players.

Manager Gavin Rose looked almost tearful as he made his way to the Dulwich fans for a group hug and the players were crestfallen.

They’d very nearly pulled off the impossible.

Leatherhead had only finished a mere 23 points ahead of them and Dulwich were probably the better side for much of the game. They were leading 3-1 with 8 minutes to go. But, even as a fan of the Hamlet, you have to say that justice was done.

Just.

Play Off Semi Final.

We need to extend therealfacup gene pool a little, there is a certain circularity about recent games that needs to be addressed. Had we been to Summers Lane before? Yup. Had we seen Wingate & Finchley play in the last few weeks? Affirmitive. Well, next season we seek out new grounds, for now we head to N***h London.

Last time we did see W&F they were shutting their gate in the face of our adopted Dulwich Hamlet in the Championship Manager Cup final. Today, probably a bigger game, they fought for the right to play in another game to see if they could win that one and get promoted to a higher league. Akk, it’s play-off season!

It’s already been quite a year for W&F. As well as the Championship Manager Cup, they have a London Senior Cup final in the pending file for next Tuesday and they came a creditable 3rd in Ryman League Division 1 North. They’ve received plaudits for their ground. It’s well kept, the vaguely art-deco stand is a joy, although oddly removed from the pitch for a non-league ground  thanks to it adjoining the rugby club stand next door. The other covered stands are solid and tidy and all of this overlooks a playing surface in very decent nick for the time of the season.

In truth this was a fall-back game, we were intending to head south to Bognor to watch the aforementioned Hamlet in the Southern version of the right to be in a final to get to the promised land of Carshalton Athletic and the Hope public house. While we were sporadically (actually quite regularly) distracted with Tweets of Hamlet mightily upsetting the odds, this game was not only a goal fest but also introduced us to the wonderful world of the Harlow Ultras. What a fine bunch of chaps.

Ultras – ‘a type of sports fan known for their fanatical support and elaborate displays’, tick. ‘… the use of flares’, … errrr … kind of. ‘…displaying of banners at football stadiums’, tick. “… predominantly European followers of football teams”, well, Harlow is definitely in bloody Europe isn’t it, so, tick! But, more than anything, as Pilz & Wolki-Schumacher said in their study of ‘new developments in supporters behaviour’, “What all … ultras seem to have in common is simply their desire to support their club or team while enjoying the experience”, HUGE TICK for Harlow.

Having changed ownership, chairmanship, managership and playership more times than Portsmouth in the last 3 years or so, the Harlow chaps could be forgiven for being a sombre lot, especially as they finished bottom of the league last year. Intrinsically linked with Harlow’s mega employer, Pitney Bowes, the club are now sponsored by the mailing giant who live at the back of, and give the name to, one end of their ground. In fact, the Pitney Bowes name even appears in a Harlow terrace song, which must make them unique among football club sponsors.

It’s amazing what a few good months and a tidy brand of football can do for a club. As soon as the whistler whistled, the small pocket of 50 or so fans with a big red flag tied to the fence started singing. And singing. Their boys started the brightest too and with just five on the clock, ‘Gate’s keeper Bobby Smith was out smartly to parry a shot from a brilliant through–ball, brilliantly block the rebound and then foil an attempted chip. Great triple save. That was it for goal action for the half until a horrendous foul up between the liability that was Leo Roget and the keeper presented Leon Smith with a clear ooportunity. He broke clear of the shambles before effectively passing back to the keeper he’d just accidentally beaten a second beforehand.

Despite the lack of goal action, the game was engaging, with Wingate happy to play on the break like they did in the first half against Dulwich in last month’s league cup final. At times they had to soak up some pressure, most of it applied by Harlow’s impressive Getro Kilapi, who was Makelele-ing his way through an impressive first half, and the snappy box-to-box-er Leon Lalite. At other times Wingate’s breaks produced short but regular spells of pressure. Leon Smith was giving Leo Roget a fearful talking to every time he got the ball – although the mini-mohawked striker certainly had his shoot-wildly-and-fail-to-pass boots on in the first half. Half time, 0-0.

Throughout most of the game we stayed in the end stand while home and way fans swapped ends with their teams. One thing we noticed in the first half was the ‘policing’ of fans. Having heard the odd borderline moment on our last visit to Summers Lane, it was good to see the senior stewards and officials keeping an eye on the hot-headed youngsters. They got given a good bit of rope but whenever anyone appeared to have had too much tartrazine, a wise old head gently leant over and had a quiet word to make sure they didn’t do or say anything stupid. Top marks to W&F for this, it definitely helped to give the game an almost entirely joyful and banterful game.

A meeting with Yasser and a pint of ale later we headed back to the same end to sample the Harlow experience. The second half appeared to be a more lively affair, although I couldn’t tell whether that was because of the relentless bouncing and singing we were in the midst of, or whether the game had genuinely speeded up and was more stretched and open.

They had a great song about centre back Laurie Stewart, something about how the fans were jealous of his prowess, feared that their wives and girlfriends all wanted to sleep with him and how they were jealous of his beautiful ginger hair. Then Wingate went and scored. Leon had put his shooting boots on at half time and they slipped the ball under the keeper into the corner of the net. The Wingate youth team players/stewards standing in front of the Harlow fans went bonkers, with some justification but their momentum took them a little further than they thought. A senior steward came over and sent them to the stands out of harms way. Highly amusing interlude. 1-0 Wingate.

Wingate then seemed to sit back and a defensive cock up allowed the brilliant Kilapi to acrobatically level from inside the box. The goal led to some significant spells of Hawks pressure, buoyed by the relentless noise made by the very few, but Wingate continued to look very dangerous on the break. Roget had improved on his first half show but Smith was a handful.

The light was now very dim and I turned round to comment to Yasser and The Mysterious Tangerine (we still await part 3 of his opus) about the Harlow fans lifting the team only to see a small bright fire behind, then another, then another, then another … MY GOD, FLARES! At a Ryman League game! On closer inspection through the smoke I realised they were just many coloured sparklers. Genius. I was taken, perhaps with inappropriate irony, back to Berlin’s Olympiastadion in February, albeit on a significantly smaller scale. This was joyous.

A ball boy mix up resulted in two balls on the pitch. One Harlow wag started up a brief “Two balls, no ‘skins” song which, aside from being incredibly quick off the mark, was probably just about the right side of acceptable, although somewhere shy of passing the Jim ‘Nick Nick’ Davidson 1970s material test.

The final ten minutes or so was relentless Harlow pressure. A series of corners brought the best out of Bobby Smith and his defence, with balls claimed under the bar, tipped over them or deflected round the posts. Wingate held on and extra time was due. Yasser started to worry he would never get home. The Wingate stewards ushered each set of fans down opposite sides of the ground to change ends.

Extra time continued in much the same vein of Harlow attack but a breakaway five minutes in effectively ended the game. The pacy Smith broke clear, was met on the edge of the area by the ballad-slow Roget, flicked the ball up over him, repeated the trick when the defender was mid turn, did it again to put him on his arse and then slotted the ball past the keeper. Roget’s night had reached its nadir. 2-1 to Wingate.

We knew Wingate could defend and break, this appeared to be the end of the game. Just two minutes later, it was, when laird cleverly lobbed the keeper with not much room to aim for. 3-1 Wingate. The fans traipsed to the other end again and we spent the last five minutes with the now happy and boisterous young Wingate fraternity who sang “we’ve got our stand back” with an air of quiet respect for their rowdy opponents. We also reserve the song of the night for Wingate’s MILF effort to tea-lady Julia, who absolutely loved it.

Harlow got picked off again before getting a consolation and the final 4-2 scoreline was harsh on them because they had played the better and prettier football for the purist but, it has to be said, W&F are a tidy defensive unit with a good keeper, disciplined and speedy in attack (not necessarily long ball) and are going to be a very difficult proposition for Brentwood in the final at The Harry Abrahams Stadium on Saturday.

The final word needs to go to both clubs.  Both sets of fans, although mostly Harlow’s, deserve nod for creating an atmosphere unusual in a crowd of 350, and making us forget at least slightly that we were missing one of the most surprising results in Dulwich Hamlet’s recent history. Both clubs deserve credit for the conduct of their players and Wingate & Finchley deserve a back-slap for the kind of personal policing not possible at much larger grounds.

Final Score: Wingate & Finchley 4 – 2 Harlow Town (aet)

Ryman League Division 1 North Play Off Final – Wingate & Finchley v Brentwood Town
Ryman League Division 1 South Play Off Final – Leatherhead v Dulwich Hamlet

Both games Saturday 7th May @3pm. Probably a tenner, although given Wingate’s usual price is £8 and they hoofed it up to £10 for the semi, maybe it’ll go up another 25% and be £12.50? Who knows?

*Cheers to The Mysterious Tangerine for additional photos.

I’ve supported Ipswich Town all my life and, bar one remarkable day at the turn of the millenium, it has been nothing but play off defeat, after defeat, after defeat…

Ipswich 1 Charlton 2
Ipswich 3 Sheffield United 3 (Sheff U win on away goals)
Ipswich 0 Charlton 2
Ipswich 1 West Ham 2
West Ham 4 Ipswich 2

Not as bad as Preston, mind, but still a woeful effort.

In selecting my ‘new team’, Dulwich Hamlet, play off trauma potential was not something I really bore in mind, they fitted the bill simply by being the closest to where I now live. But, helpfully, in the three years I’ve been going to see them, they have steadfastly refused to break away from mid table and in to the danger of the play off zone, which has been a boon.

However, this season, having been as good as their mid-table word for the vast majority, through the ineptitude of others they found themselves stumbling into the final play off place on the penultimate day of the season. Given my previous experience of such things, WHY ON EARTH did I find myself traipsing across London to watch them try and finish the job on the final day??!! STEP AWAY FROM THE MISERY, STEP AWAY!

As if the potential for disappointment wasn’t bad enough, today’s hosts to Dulwich were the other side benefiting from the utter collapse of Burgess Hill Town in recent weeks. If Dulwich lost, Walton & Hersham would be the team rubbing their/our noses in it at the final whistle. What on earth was I letting myself in for?

As it happened, The Swans were toothless, never looked like scoring, always looked second best and, ultimately, lost 2-0 to an accomplished if unspectacular Dulwich side. It was actually relatively nerveless, with goals 5 minutes either side of half time Dulwich eased towards a clash with 2nd placed Metropolitan Police … Oh but wait a minute, what’s that … Oh me oh my, Bognor Regis Town only drew at 2nd bottom Chatham? Way to blow it, guys!

So, Met Police Bognor Regis will now be visited, on Tuesday night, by Dulwich. Now, here’s an age-old debate. Are the play offs fair?  In 2005 Ipswich finished 12 points ahead of West Ham, got dumped out of the play offs by them and then watched helplessly as a team who finished 14 points off automatic promotion went up ahead of them. That is nothing, Dulwich finished 31 (THIRTY ONE) points shy of 2nd placed Bognor Regis. Ouch.

The play offs were brought in to extend the worth of the season by creating fewer dead games at the end of the season. It also dangles a carrot of mediocrity for those muddling along in mid table. Finish strongly and you could sneak into the lottery. This is all well and good but when the gap between 2nd and 5th is a whopping 31 points, is it really very fair? Dulwich, in 5th, were even 23 points behind 4th placed Leatherhead. Arguably, Leatherhead have justified their place in the play offs, they were only 8 points off top.

Some people argue that if the team is so much better they should be able to dispatch the upstarts. True, particularly if it’s over two legs. Ah. Ryman play offs aren’t two-legged. Dulwich are just 90 fortuitous minutes from knocking out a team who, lest we forget, lost just four games all season, a quarter of the number lost by Dulwich.

Here is where I think things need evening out.  At the start of the season the play off position should be as it is now, the four places behind the last automatic promotion spot have a bunfight.  However, 2nd place should hold the aces. In the past folk have suggested 3rd and 4th should play off for the right to meet 2nd. Fair point but it still doesn’t necessarily rid the league of the possibility that a team could finish miles behind the team who just missed out on promotion and yet go up ahead of them.

To cater for this, 2nd place should be the benchmark. If the three teams below them do not make it within 10% of their points total, they cannot enter the play offs. There are then four simple scenarios. If there are three further teams that qualify, the play offs continue as they do now. If there are just two, they play off for the right to face 2nd in the final. If just one team makes it then it’s a straight final and, if there are no other teams within 10%, 2nd place goes up automatically – no play offs.

In this scenario Dulwich would not be in the play offs and Leatherhead and Whitehawk would play off for the right to meet Bognor. As it stands, Bognor are on a hiding to nothing. Over the course of the season they were 1 goal off being Champions of the league, as it happens they now face 90 minutes of tension against a team with nothing to lose who won a stonking 10 fewer games.

The added bonus of this new play off regime is that I now wouldn’t find myself getting sucked into a play off scenario running the risk of ultimate disappointment. Again. Yet AGAIN! It has to be said that neither of my cohorts at the game on Saturday were entirely convinced.

Bognor Regis Town .v. Dulwich Hamlet – Tuesday 3rd May 2011 at 7:45pm.

*Should be noted that play offs in the Ryman League are drawn from 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th places!

If you’re a regular to this site you’ll know the Hamlet are our local side and we’ve written much about them, so this is pretty much the last you’ll hear of them in this piece.  Walton & Hersham on the other hand are unusual in that they are complete unknowns to us. Given our Ryman addiction in the last two years they are one of the few sides who have never turned our heads. So, we did some reading, and, of course, based it round our joy, the Old Jug, the FA Cup.

At step 4 in the football pyramid a lot of clubs have ‘their’ story of FA Cup greatness, their cup final, their defining moment.  The Swans of Walton & Hersham are no different. In fact, in the early 1970s they had more than their fair share of joy in the old jug and were rightly feared. They were a team that all 3^rd and 4^th tier clubs would gladly avoid.

Before that period of success, W&H got their first taste of the propers when they progressed through seven 1957 FA Cup games against the likes of fellow Ryman side Hastings, future winners Wimbledon and fellow giant killers Sutton United.  The 1^st Round brought Division 3 South side Southampton to Stompond but there was to be no shock yet, they lost 6-1 but had made their first mark.

It took a while for them to notch their second effort, mind, 12 years in fact.  The 1st Round saw them eventually lose to a high-flying but not yet fully-fledged football league club in Barnet. It was close though, they only lost 1-0 to that year’s FA Trophy finalists.  The following year, 1970 they dumped out Sutton United again, this time to book their place in the 1^st round. It was an inauspicious exit for Sutton who only eight months previously had been hosting eventual Cup winners ‘Don Revie’s Leeds’ at gander Green Lane in a 4^th round tie.  The draw was unkind, W&H failed to net a league side and ran into renowned FA Cup giant killers Telford.  They lost 5-2.

The following year they fell at the final qualifying hurdle but 1972 was the zenith – and they got their first league scalp.  Only a Division 4 side at the time Exeter City were nevertheless a good one, despite going through a period of struggling to get past non-league sides in the FA Cup. The Grecians crept past Crawley after a replay a year earlier and got knocked out by Alvechurch the year after the Swans beat them. But beat them they did, 2-1, and the Surrey side went on to lift the FA Amateur Cup with Dave ‘Harry’ Bassett in their ranks.

The ‘reward’ for their first proper giant killing was a shocker. Instead of getting the bounty of another, bigger league side, the Swans drew fellow giant killers Margate. Margate were probably equally as miffed at the time, they’d just knocked out the Welsh Swans, at that time in Division 3, and were certainly hoping to avoid the tricky prospect of the English variant. That season, though, was Margate’s, they beat W&H 1-0 and earned a plum 3^rd Round tie against Spurs, which of course they lost 6-0.

Before the lean times of the 80s and 90s set in, Walton & Hersham had one last tilt and this was, with hindsight, probably the most odd and remarkable.  In 1973, their fourth foray into Round 1 in five years, they were drawn against Brighton & Hove Albion.  Having held the Division 3 side at home it was feared that was probably going to be it for the Swans.  Brighton had a new manager who the season before was facing down Juventus in the European Cup, a certain Brian Clough. Clive Foskett scored a hatrick at the old Goldstone Ground but he wasn’t playing for Brighton, he was playing for Walton and they whacked Cloughie’s Seagulls 4-0.

In the next round W&H got another bum draw.  They were drawn to face brand new football league side Hereford United who were smack bang in the middle of their four year rise from Southern League to Division 2!  The Bulls ran out comfortable 3-0 winners and consigned Walton & Hersham to the doldrums for another 20 years.  So, from hammering a club managed by a League Champion, future European Cup winner and self confessed legend, W&H had just lost to a team who only a few months earlier were in reality just one tier above them in the football league pyramid. Funny old game, Saint.

The club regrouped in the mid-2000s with long serving player and current Kingstonian manager Alan Dowson at the helm before getting relegated again in 2007.

Back to the matter in hand, form is dicey among all three of the play off challengers.  Walton & Hersham have won just once in their last five but have drawn a few and have been muddling along. Burgess Hill Town have lost four of their last five and, a point against Dulwich aside, they have been woeful.  Hamlet have, frankly, come from a position that looked beyond them when they lost 2-1 at home to Worthing a few weeks ago and again when they could only draw with Burgess Hill Town last week. So, thanks to a few wins, in truth, Hamlet are in the best form of the three but aren’t exactly firing on all clinders, they have simply profited from the failure of others.

If we were betting men, we’d probably suggest that the game will be a draw and BHT will fail to beat a decent Ramsgate side who are just two points behind them but who mathematically can’t quite reach the play offs themselves. But, hey, this is effectively a cup final so anything can happen.

Ryman Division 1 South
Walton & Hersham .v. Dulwich Hamlet
Saturday 30^th April, 3pm, £8
Walton-on-Thames is the closest rail station, 25-34 mins from Waterloo depending which train you get.  We’ve been recommended the Ashley Park pub near the station and reckon we should be there by about midday, though there does appear to be several decent boozers nearer the town centre and towards the river.

In true Great British fashion, we gleefully took advantage of the early Spring sunshine and surged to the Vale in Dulwich just as soon as we rose from our beds on Saturday. Admittedly, that wasn’t quite as early a start time for a drinking session as it might sound but there was time for at least one of us to be forced to move to a more secluded part of the pub garden due to sunstroke as well as a few pints of the distinctly off-tasting Powder Monkey before we headed across the road.

It’s amazing the difference a bit of sun makes to British people and so it was that our contingent numbered an incredible 4 (four) with one more to come as we sauntered into the Hamlet bar only to be greeted with the news that the Pride, the Adnams and the Amstel were all off – every man and his alcoholic dog wants a pint on a day like this and they’d clearly got there before us.

Pints of various untried (and frankly, unwanted) beverages safely decanted into hooligan-proof plastics, we wandered around the pitch, pausing only to sample the phenomenon that was the glowing heat emanating from The Wall behind the goal before we took up our positions on the halfway line opposite the main stand – the key factor in this decision being the lack of sun due to the roof on that side which would prevent the more follically-challenged members of the group from suffering further.

No sooner had we balanced our beers on the railings and availed ourselves of some lino porn and Dulwich had scored. Skipper Francis Duku – back in the side after being left on the bench whilst his team mates weakly donated the Championship Manager Cup to Wingate & Finchley last week – popped up to head in a cross and give the home side a deserved lead.

Worthing equalised 10 minutes before the break and their small band of followers found the heady combination of sun and goal too much for them and promptly removed their shirts to reveal some less than athletic torsos, the sight of which, when combined with an amusing “bouncy, bouncy” song was not my favourite vision of the day.

Feeling brave and possibly a touch inebriated, we decided to brave the full South London sun for the second half and joined the Dulwich faithful behind the goal at the Wall end.

Dulwich are our local side – indeed, this website was born in the main stand at Champion Hill in 2008. Inevitably, we’ve been to watch them play more often than any other non-league side and as any fan who regularly watches the same team will know, football can be very predictable sometimes. In the 3 years we’ve been going down there, Dulwich have played their football to a theme – the general pattern is to play nice, neat football with some excellent passing and moving but fail to have the cutting edge up front to kill sides off and end up being punished and wondering what happened. For an Arsenal fan such as myself, watching Dulwich could well be described as a busman’s holiday.

And so it was that the team in blue and pink contrived to lose the match 2-1 – the winner scored midway through the 2nd half by Terry Dodd. From my slightly hazy memory, Dulwich failed to create a single chance worthy of the name during the second period.

Once again the home fans were left wondering what could have been and we were left to return to the Vale for yet more tangy ale and to gradually realise that it really was far too early in the year to be wearing T-shirts and shorts.

After the Wingate goal the Dulwich team went quite literally to shite, while their fans upped their game. In fact, the louder the Hamlet fans got, the worse their team became. Even when they did get near the box they contrived to shoot at each other, miss kicks, lose headers and generally FAIL. I was annoyed, we’re not fans of Wingate & Finchley,  tsk.

So, I shall now be most childish and call it a day, Wingate deserved their win eventually but there were bigger things afoot here. I GOT CHARGED £4 FOR A FUCKING PANINI THE SIZE OF TWO FINGERS. Even that’s churlish, the two beers on were good and only £2.70. Still, despite putting on a good final with some nicely trimmed privet, I leave the ground embittered and very much burgled by the Met on the panini front.

That will teach me not to have pie/burger/pasty/chips. Ideas above my station innit. Well, it was a final, I thought it would be a treat.

Wingate & Finchley 2 Dulwich Hamlet 0

Top notch nostalgia line up though.

Dulwich Hamlet lost, nothing else matters.

While everyone and all of their dogs were watching the dying embers of The Real FA Cup, we were in Sutton getting back to Ryman business.

Over the last few years we’ve become a bit partial to Ryman action, most of the teams are enjoyable to watch and there are usually enough fans to generate a bit of atmosphere. 570 today! And you rarely pay more than a tenner. The Premier Ryman is often as good a footballing VFM as you’ll get in England but the modernists and football elitists want to drive a stake between this level and the European Money Leagues.

We’ve mentioned elsewhere how goal line technology is unnecessary. This is not necessarily because of any misty-eyed longing to keep the game as it is but, simply, because so few game-changing decisions warrant this draconian technology. There are only a handful of games per season where this tech would lead to a fairer result – and fewer where it would affect the outcome of a tournament. In the grand scheme of things, bad offside decisions, dodgy penalties and sendings off change games unfairly more frequently but yet no one seems to want to sort them out with video technology.

However, any new form of technology is only ever going to be applied to the games that have TV cameras present and, even then, there would need to be an extra two at least. But there is already a technology gap between the leagues at top and further down and that doesn’t need widening because it could easily create two tiers of football, rather than a pyramidal system.

The technology gap we’re talking about refers to electronic scoreboards. Huh? How is that a problem, I hear you cry? Well, this is why …

Despite the three goals, the first half of this game was engaging without being particularly entertaining. Sutton had the vast majority of possession but didn’t create much, which was partly down to the paucity of final ball but mostly down to some staunch defending.

Arsene Wenger would have accused Wealdstone of playing anti-football and, while on one level it is an annoying way to set about a game of football, you can’t really criticise a mid-table team at least starting out in this manner when away at the league leaders. It doesn’t provide much entertainment though.

Fair play, the game plan worked perfectly because Wealdstone troubled Scriven in the Sutton goal on just two occasions and scored both times, after which the game started to open up a bit. The Stones grew in confidence while Sutton’s desperation to get more men forward was leaving gaps that went unpunished thanks to a few unnecessary offsides. This new Stones adventure, ironically, led to the game saving goal at the other end that meant the second half would be more of a game. A looping header from Forbes on 44 minutes pleasingly slipped in off the underside of the bar.

HT – Sutton United 1 Wealdstone 2

Having already crammed in two pre-journey pints and one pre-match pint, we decided to cram in one half time pint. We did so unsuccessfully and missed the first few minutes of the second half. And here is where it all went horribly and amusingly wrong and amateurish thanks to the lack of technology. We could pretend this didn’t happen but why the hell should we? We aren’t the BBC.

The second half continued in the same vein and with an hour gone James Hammond diverted a harmless cross back towards his own goal to where he must have thought his keeper was. He wasn’t and the ball trundled into the corner. 2-2 and Wealdstone were now in a spot of bother.

Wealdstone were now defending for their lives trying to hold on to the point but were keeping Sutton’s waves at bay. Sutton’s forays were getting closer and closer as they committed more players and they almost paid when, over-committed, gave the ball to Spendlove who broke clear, drew the keeper and opted for the chip that appeared to be goal-bound before it just bounced past the post. That would have been game over.

Sutton’s now hopeful punts and long shots were going out for goal kicks but as injury time neared their accuracy increased and they were rewarded with a corner. It looked like Stones would hold out, they were defending well and were getting the luck. The corner was cleared and the second cross was headed on to the post by Dundas but when it looked like they’d escaped again Downer turned in the rebound to send the Sutton fans mad.

With that we started heading towards the bar and just as we got to the tunnel we witnessed Sutton sealing the deal. The players seemed to go unusually bonkers for what was a sealer rather than a winner but we left them to it and went to get to the front of the beer queue.

Having sat around chatting and watching Jeff for 10 minutes we overheard someone referring to the fantastic 4-3 win. We frowned a little and assumed he was referring to some other game somewhere. It turns out he wasn’t. With the slight delay in getting back out we’d missed the goal of the game, a 47th minute rasper from Spendlove after cutting in from the left.

So, the game was actually 4-3, not 4-2 and all of a sudden things started to make sense. The ten minutes we spent talking to a less than enthusiastic Sutton fan could be explained by the fact that it wasn’t a tense 1-2 but a rather less hopeful 1-3. The celebration being greater for the last minute last goal than for the penultimate goal was explained by the fact that it was not the 4-2 sealer but the 4-3 winner!

Incidentally, we also missed the shenanigans at the celebration of that goal. Apparently, the Sutton players went mad and allegedly goaded the Stones fans.

However, had Sutton had access to some modern technology in the form of an electronic scoreboard, these misunderstandings would never have happened. Before FIFA start pfaffing around with goal line technology, or even offside/sending off/penalty technology, they need to spend some of the GAZILLIONS of $$$$$ they made from the World Cup in supplying all league affiliated clubs with an electronic scoreboard so that the lazy amateurs like us don’t get stuff wrong. Thankfully, the brilliant visionary that is Sepp Blatter is railing against this technology that will create a further divide between the haves and heave nots.

<sarcasm:off>

There may be a story to be had on the amount of added time the ref stuck on in order for the final goal to be scored. Maybe he added 3 extra minutes because we missed 3? [smile]  Some comments were made on Twitter by a few Stones players but they were deleted before we saw and we only heard stuff second or third hand at the end of the game. So don’t ask us to expand on it because we don’t know – and we’re not just fence sitting. It is fair to say Sutton players were ‘chuffed’ at the end but they perhaps deserved their final two goals as little as the Stones deserved their first two. Both situations were football muggings.

Aside from that, Wealdstone’s gaffer being accidentally pole-axed by a sliding tackle and Jenny The Giraffe getting busy with some fans were highlights of a decent enough game but one that didn’t quite take off as much as the scoreline would suggest. Although given we missed the good bits, maybe others thought it did!

At the end of the game we Tweeted “We thought it was 4-2, apparently we missed a goal, 4-3 to Sutton.”  We got some stick for amateurism and here are a selection of the printable responses our error generated:

@therealfacup you guys!

Top notch as ever RT @therealfacup: We thought it was 4-2, apparently we missed a goal, 4-3 to Sutton.

@therealfacup gotta love football without electronic scoreboards.

@therealfacup Ouch, the scoreline made the game what it was! Which goal did you miss? There were 2 at around 20-30 mins then 1 in 2nd half.

@therealfacup How the heck did that happen? Doh!

Massive thanks as ever to Gerard at Sutton, helpful chappy.

“Support your local team!”, they said.

One of my local teams is Tooting & Mitcham United. Sadly, they were playing away at Canvey Island. So I cycled there.

It’s a fairly long way from Brixton to Canvey Island; forty-one miles, to be precise. But I have barely had a chance to do any cycling this summer so, after managing to limit wine consumption to a single bottle with my steak on Friday night, I set off at 10am with enthusiasm aplenty in the direction of Essex.

Surprisingly, despite my lack of exercise lately, I quite enjoyed the journey – the highlights being the Woolwich ferry (which I love) and standing in a field watching someone standing atop the wings of a biplane whilst it flew around the Essex countryside. One would hope that the person in question had agreed to the trip or his frantic waves as he swooped and dived over my head would have taken on an altogether more worrying air.

The lowlights were always going to include the portion of the journey which required me to mingle with two lanes of speeding traffic on the A13 but I was more surprised how low I felt as I cycled onto the Island of Canvey itself at the end of the trip.

After my 40 mile ride, all I wanted in the world was some food and a pint. I found a pub near to the ground and, noting the sign which pointed to the “Dining Area”, asked whether they served food. The man behind the bar stopped short of actually laughing at my suggestion but his reaction was, nevertheless, filled with amusement and disdain. I counted 5 Indian takeaways, 4 Chinese takeaways and 2 pubs in the town centre. All 9 takeaways were closed and the other pub only served food during the week so I had to accept an all day breakfast in a friendly cafe on the High Street, topped up with two chocolate muffins from the local bakery.

One of the things that attracted me to go to Canvey Island today was that I fancied a trip to the seaside – and boy is their ground near the sea! It would take one hell of punt to hit the ball far enough to reach the water but it’s not far. When I arrived, I left my bike locked to a lamppost and wandered the hundred yards or so to the sea wall behind the far goal to sit and watch tankers slowly make their way in and out of the Thames Estuary. It really is that close.

The ground itself is, like most of the island, below sea level and must be subject to some testing swirling winds in the winter. Today was always threatening to be a nice, sunny day but it never quite fulfilled it’s potential. There is a superb terrace behind one of the goals which creates a fantastic place from which to view the football. Erected (according to one of the stewards) around 8 years ago and paid for by former player and owner Jeff King when the team were in the conference, it really is something for the club to be proud of. The only complaint from the locals was that they thought the club should have made it half the width and put the other half behind the opposite end.

Former benefactor King was in attendance at the game and it was plain to see that him, and the impressive terrace behind the goal served to remind the locals of their heady days in the Conference a few years ago before he left to take over at Chelmsford , forcing Canvey to drop several divisions when the money ran out.

A swift look at the form book for this Ryman Premier fixture suggested that it would be a very even game. A single point separated them in the middle of the table and it seemed that maybe Tooting’s poor defensive record would prove their downfall if Canvey could create a few chances. The reality was very different.

Canvey started extremely brightly and created chance after chance early on, finding space down both channels to cross the ball and causing mayhem in the Tooting penalty area. Barring a shot from distance which was saved by Gulls’ keeper Russell, Canvey made all the running but, crucially, failed to find the net due to some poor finishing and some excellent defensive efforts from the away side. I simply lost count of the number of chances the home side had to open the scoring in the first quarter of the match. But, as football fans, we’ve seen it all before and inevitably, Canvey’s failure to finish would come back to haunt them.

Midway through the first half, Tooting striker Barry Stevens was carried off injured by a combination of their physio and their captain, Rob Howarth – to be replaced by Phil Williams. The resulting free kick was to provide Williams’ first touch as he headed the ball goalwards, only to see Russell palm the ball away. However, Williams’ second touch was altogether more rewarding as he tapped the rebound into the empty net and put Tooting into the lead.

The home fans were, understandably, disappointed. They’d controlled much of the game so far and created countless chances but the ball had only crossed the line once and it wasn’t at the right end, as far as they were concerned. Their disappointment would only grow as the half wore on as Tooting took heart from their surprise lead and looked much the better side leading up to half time. Tooting’s midfield were doing a much better job of covering the runs made by the Canvey full backs and stopping the constant crosses, thereby cutting off the supply for the Canvey forwards. In the latter stages of the half, Jamie Butler in the Tooting goal had precious little to occupy himself, save for tipping over a late effort just before half time.

During half time the stewards were wistfully recalling the day in December 2001 when Ray Stubbs and the BBC’s Match Of The Day team were on the island to witness the Gulls’ giant-killing act of knocking out Northampton in the 3rd Round. The scaffolding they used for their cameras still remains and tales of Stubbs and Lawro sharing a pint with the locals in the Corner Flag Bar were exchanged.

The second half saw Canvey demoralise their fans further by creating more chances but still failing to find the net and then conceding once more. Once again it was Phil Williams who was the provider after a mazy run but this time he couldn’t finish off his own handiwork and, once the keeper had reached out and finger-tipped the ball away from William’s boot, it fell to Howarth to slam the ball into the opposite corner and put Tooting two up.

The goal was followed by a flurry of Canvey corners which caused absolute chaos in the Tooting penalty area but the Tooting net was never really under threat and Tooting cantered to victory in the end, Canvey’s substitutes failing to make any impact as the game drifted to a close. As one of the home fans pointed out when King was replaced by Isa with 25 minutes to go “I think the interest level has just dropped”. It was a poor joke but it was the best of a bad bunch and it really did sum up the feeling around the ground as some fed up fans slouched off to get home early.

As the players left the pitch once the referee had put everyone out of their misery, there was only one man in a Tooting shirt who wasn’t smiling from ear to ear and whooping as he entered the dressing room and that was Barry Stevens, who left the field on crutches and may be out for some time. However, Williams looks to be an able deputy, despite the fact that he could have scored one or two more.

Speaking of injuries, by the time I managed to cycle home from Fenchurch Street my legs felt like I had actually played in the game myself!

I think I shall stay closer to home for the next Non League Day.

Should Mike Alpha play for England? Why has Henry Winter’s brain melted? Matty Lawrence has signed for the Gills. All topics pondered by us and halftimewhistle in the Vale pub in Dulwich. It’s had some swirly wallpaper added to the existing room of sofas to give it a rather more upmarket feel than the illicit-football-feed-den we knew last season.

“No, he’s Spanish”, “yes, he’s more English than Owen Hargreaves”, “no, and why are international managers allowed to be foreign” were all answers to the first question, “no idea” to the second question, “HURRAH” on the Matty Lawrence issue.

After sitting in the sunshine/howling gale putting the footballing world to rights we ambled over to Sainsburys, I mean Champion Hill, to catch our first Ryman game of the season.

I am a schizophrenic football fan, sometimes I love watching the intricacies of the game, other times I really couldn’t care less and just feel the need to see new places and have some beers with mates. Tonight I was in need of medication as I couldn’t decide which ‘me’ took precedence here.

A man in full Blackpool kit ran past … I thought they were at Franchise tonight? We were just in time to witness my second minute’s silence at Hamlet. Long-serving fan, groundsman, vice-chairman, treasurer and assistant secretary Bill Andrews died over the summer and this was why the players were stood in a line in the middle of the pitch. Fortunately, this minute, unlike our last one, was not punctuated by Fat Boy Slim booming out of the tannoy.

The age old question of ‘is a minute too long’ raised its head after about 50 seconds when one of the players concentration slipped and he tried to make one of his team mates giggle by pinching his arse. Ooh matron. He quickly checked himself though. We don’t know Bill personally but we hope he would have chuckled.

Having been to watch Hamlet on numerous occasions I selfishly and lazily opted for a decent photo vantage point in the stands. Mr Halftime (why am I calling him Mr Halftime, it is of course Cockles from the much famed RealWorldCup podcast!) hadn’t been before and was probably itching to join the Hamlet fans behind the goal or the three Whitstable fans (Andrew +flag, his son and possibly a mate) who had made the longish journey up to South London.

The game was a shambles for the first 30 minutes. Neither team had any shape, or as Cockles said, “either that or this is the most ingenious formation I have ever seen”. It wasn’t. At times the away side appeared to have six defenders and four attackers, with the midfield uncertain which bank to opt for. They certainly couldn’t decide between themselves exactly who was supposed to be defending and who was attacking. As a result, massive gaps.

In truth, despite the shambles, Whitstable passed the ball better and more crisply than Dulwich and a bit more discipline might have seen them make inroads. As it happens, whatever they threw at Hamlet was snuffed about by man mountain, captain and MoM Francis Duku. His death stares at his team mates were both instructive and terrifying in equal measure, presumably he left Kingstonian because he was scaring people.

Dulwich couldn’t really get going or exploit the space often left through the middle, bar a couple of nifty little through balls that the keeper dealt with well.

The rather dull half was, at least, punctuated by two moments of humour. Firstly, the tannoy announcer instructed several young lads to stop pestering a steward, a comic moment I wish had been captured on video. They looked round in the general direction of the main stand, stood with hands by sides like the naughty schoolboys they were.

After the ref blew up for an injury, he awarded Dulwich an uncontested drop ball a few yards in from the touchline and bench. The intent of both the ref and Dulwich right back, Blue Boots Jordan Wilson, was to return the ball to Whitstable. Rather than the traditional approach of taking a touch and hoofing the ball back to the keeper, Jordan took the unusual step of taking a touch and ‘controlling’ the ball immediately out of play, right in front of both giggling benches.

What Henry Winter would have made of that 45 minutes I don’t know, ‘Lawro’ may well have imploded, Hansen would have loved the defending and Shearer would have repeated whatever Gary said before making an aside to his cohorts to reinforce his fragile ego and make any sane man (or woman) wince. Lee Dixon would have noted how Duku had performed as well as he had against Sittingbourne last week, to which Lawro would have said “oh, Lee’s bin doin’ ‘ees bluddy reesurch again. It’s only the Ryman, I really can’t be bothered “.

The second half was much more engaging but, until Hamlet took the lead after about 75 minutes, it was very much the away side applying the pressure, retaining possession or passing well. Again the structure of both teams was a bit haphazard (or fluid?) but Duku marshalled everything well. I am no scout but he has the pace, tackling, positional awareness and leadership to play at a much higher level, which he has, obviously. It is ironic that in this Non-League Paper interview in 2007, he put Gavin Rose and Junior Kadi in his Best XI – Gavin is now his manager and Junior the assistant boss.

Cockles has already told the story of this half and seeing 25% of Kevin James’ career goals but I would like to add that he DID actually drink beer in sight of the ground and THREW things on the pitch. In fact he threw beer on the pitch!!! Scandalous. Well, actually it was the mighty wind that picked up his beer and hurled it in the general direction of the concreted area behind the ‘Car Wash’ end goal. Nevertheless, tsk.

A lightning break from the very decent Nyren Clunis had the Whitstable defence backing off and he matched his run with a superbly drilled finish (right) low to the keeper’s left. Once the Hamlet had netted it was more or less one way traffic and they went in search of and found a second. The chaps who run the Dulwich twitter feed claimed it was a dominant performance, which it was in the last 15 minutes, but that is somewhat ignoring the previous 75 minutes that (in our humble opinions) Whitstable shaded, hence Duku as our pick for man of the match. With the confidence of a goal, though, Hamlet looked a genuinely threatening side. This bodes well for the season ahead.

I wonder if any of the jingoistic Sun journalists trying to nail Fabio to a cross for not selecting unproven teenagers to play for England have lost touch with the reality of visiting such joyful places as Champion Hill on a sunny late summer evening? Judging by some of the hacks’ comments about having to visit poorly resourced lower league grounds in the Carling Cup over the last few nights, lost touch they have. Maybe they should be forced to go down the pyramid every few months for a refresher, to get even a loose grip back on the reality they now entirely fail to relay to their readers.

Good luck to Hamlet with their assault on Ryman League One, South. I got a bus home and was tucked up in front of Family Guy before I could say ‘DUKU, please don’t hurt me or my family”.

Dresden Hamlet